Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you had everything you wanted and suddenly realized you don’t want it at all? That’s the pity party theme I’ve been throwing around over here lately because guys…I’m pretty dang miserable. I hate to admit it but it’s true. When we moved to St. Louis I was over-joyed! Even though I’d never been here for some reason I’ve always felt pulled toward this city. Even as a kid there was something about St. Louis that attracted me. It was the gateway to the west and was so deeply rooted in history that I knew I wanted to live here. I never thought I’d be so sad. I also never thought I’d actually live here.

I grew up in Florida and all of my family and friends were either in Florida or West Virginia. Even though, growing up, I didn’t want to live in either of those two states I figured I would because it’s what I knew. Then, I grew up and life happened. Suddenly there was college, marriage, and careers so we moved around quite a bit. When we moved to Atlanta I was living on Cloud 9! I loved being in the city. My friends told me I seemed the happiest they’d ever seen me. Brandon told me I was “thriving” in the city and that life felt really good. Unfortunately, I ended up working for an abusive VP at a terrible company that spiraled me into the deepest depression I’ve ever known.

I lost my self-confidence and felt like a shell of myself. I was scared to go to work, nervous about being screamed at, and became so timid and worried that I lost any ambition or feeling of self-worth. I wasn’t suicidal but I was deep in self-loathing and struggling with any feelings of personal value. After multiple co-workers started working from home full-time I asked my boss if I could do the same and when she agreed we moved to West Virginia.

We did it to try to save my sanity and restore my personality and vibrancy. We thought that maybe being somewhere familiar and safe would help me heal but it didn’t. I was still with the same company and working for the same monster; working from home made it worse. I was even more on edge than ever and fearful every day. There were multiple days on end when I wouldn’t shower and I almost never left the house. I gained a lot of weight from comfort food and was more isolated than ever. We talked about trips we never took and I set goals I never accomplished. I was depressed and lonely and miserable but couldn’t seem to find my way out of it. In the end, I did lose my job and my new career opportunity was in a suburb of St. Louis, the city I’d dreamed of since I was a little kid. It felt too good to be true.

Since we weren’t familiar with the area, we decided to lease a home in the suburbs near where I’d be working. The house we found is an adorable 3-bedroom 2-story townhouse with a full basement in a beautiful neighborhood. It’s only about 2 miles from my office and the area is really nice. In fact, it’s considered one of the most desirable suburbs in the area but guys, I hate it. I hate it so much!

It’s not my job because I love my job. I absolutely love my career, the company I work for, the manager I report to, and the validation I get from my work. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I truly love what I do every day.

My manager and VP are both very encouraging and professional. My co-workers are fabulous. My husband is loving and supportive. Honestly, it’s living the suburbs that’s absolutely draining me. I feel like living here I finally have everything I’ve ever wanted (except children, of course) but I’m more depressed than I was when we lived in Atlanta.

I’ve talked to friends, consulted a therapist, and realized how desperately I miss the city. I wish I could pack up everything about my life and move it right back into Midtown ATL. I miss having coffee shops, restaurants, bookstores, and parks within a few blocks. I miss city noises and, yes, the city smells. I miss exploring downtown districts and city neighborhoods on foot for hours at a time. Living here in St. Louis, we have the Mississippi and Missouri rivers, the Gateway Arch, and a lot of other city amenities and I feel like I’m missing out on everything.

Maybe I’m just suffering from a massive case of FOMO, I don’t know, but I know I don’t like living 45 minutes away from the city in a tiny suburb and feeling isolated. I want my city life back.

We’ve been making plans to go into the city every weekend once the temperatures are higher than 34-degrees so we can learn the neighborhoods and find a place we want to buy when our lease is up. More than ever I know that I’m just meant to live in the city. We’ve been looking at some of the historic neighborhoods throughout the St Louis area and there are a lot of great options. Some of the houses were built in the late 1800’s or early 1900’s and I keep telling Brandon buying one of those would be such a dream come true for me. I’d love to live in an old historic house with a small yard in a great walkable neighborhood full of coffee shops, bookstores, music shops, cafes, and museums again. I need options in my neighborhood and I feel so disconnected and lonely where I’m at right now.

I feel like it’s important to finally identify what’s been affecting me so negatively. It feels good to finally call it out and admit I’m not living a life that makes me happy. I know how this makes me sound. I know I’m probably coming across as ungrateful, selfish, and entitled but it’s also my truth at the moment. We don’t have children and likely never will so I feel like I need to take advantage of the opportunity I have to pursue a lifestyle I enjoy and that means living in the city and getting out of these suburbs that are sucking the soul right out of me. I seriously cannot wait for this lease to end so we can find a place that truly suits us again.