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Hello Fall – A Heart Check, Letting Go, and Moving Forward

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Happy Fall! Today is the official first day of Fall and Brandon and I did our best to embrace it. I wore a fun sweater (even though it was 70-degrees outside) and we attended a fall festival in downtown St. Louis. We walked around the city, soaking in the city vibes, and letting ourselves transition into the beginnings of autumn. I’ve mentioned it on my social media channels a little bit but I’ve struggled with the changing seasons this year. I haven’t felt quite ready to let go of summer.

I feel very connected to the mood of each season and fall is always about letting go. The weather is cooling down as the warm sunshine drifts away; the leaves fall from the trees and pile around the ground; animals are preparing for their hibernation; everything feels like it’s slowly disappearing. It’s not meant to be depressing, but it is what it is. I love the cooler temperatures and the gorgeous fall colors but I also feel God pulling on my heart asking me what I need to let go of in this season of life. Being honest, it’s something I’ve been trying to hide away from for the last month or two.

In so many ways, moving to the Midwest has been really great for my heart and soul. I feel secure in my job and my life. I feel safe and deeper in love with my life. I also feel more connected to God than ever before which is very important to me and something I felt myself struggling with while we lived in West Virginia. I’m also feeling a deep need to do a Heart Check and refocus my priorities and my values.

A Heart Check is something I started doing with my Horacio Printing planner last year. It makes you sit, stop, and evaluate where your heart is, what you need to let go of, who you need to forgive, and where you need to focus in order to move forward and grow as a person. I have a lot of negativity holding me back right now and I know that this season, this Fall, is the season I need to confront it and learn how to let go of the things holding me down. 

As good as this move to St. Louis has been (and it has been good!) it’s just one more major change I don’t feel like I needed during this stage in my life. Lately, it feels like my heart and soul have been sick. I haven’t been eating right, sleeping well, or feeling very much like myself. I’ve gained 30+ pounds and behaved in ways that are very much unlike myself. It feels like the Devil found a way inside of me and I can’t seem to get him out. 

So, over these next 3 months of fall, I’m devoting myself to pursuing God and chasing His healing for my heart and soul. I feel like I’ve lost control of who I am and the goals I have for my life, my marriage, and this little blog of mine. 

I also feel like God is directing me to open up, to talk more about my struggle with self-loathing and more about building a relationship with God despite a sick heart and soul. I’m trying to pray about it and sort out what that would look like. I’ve been impulsive in the past and I’m trying to be more deliberate about my actions and words. 

Do I start a podcast? Do I write a book? I’m not sure but I know there is a ministry here somewhere and it’s not going to reveal itself until I do a deep heart check, say some painful goodbyes, and learn to let go of the toxic things and people that have been holding me back. 

I’m not completely sure what’s going on but I feel things shifting, big time. Brandon feels it too. We sat down the other night, with me in tears, and shared our hearts while snuggled under blankets on the sofa. We spoke about the heartache of our infertility struggle, the hurt of feeling so lonely, and the dreams we have unintentionally let slide. 

We’ve discussed wanting to do better about documenting our lives and taking more photos together and traveling more with our dogs. We’re hoping to plan a couple road trips with the boys and see more of the midwest and west coast since we’re out this way now. We have friends in Colorado and California we’d love to visit and there are landmarks we’d like to see. Before we add anything else to our lives though we both have to learn to let go.

Learning to let go is hard but it’s time and it’s never been more clear to me than today, right now, as I type this out. My heart is sick and in order to heal I have to be a little less afraid and a lot more open to saying goodbye to the things that simply aren’t lifting me up anymore.


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