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Why Your Crush on My Husband Is Not Ok

Something happened a few weeks ago that I have debated back-and-forth about whether or not to share here on Honey & Pine. At first I thought it was a private matter, but the more heavily it has weighed on me the more I feel the need to share and explain my feelings on the matter. I needed to explain why a woman’s crush on my husband is not ok.

It all started one evening when my husband shared with me an e-mail he had received. A female friend had e-mailed him saying that a friend of hers had a crush on him. There was more to the message (harmless informative content that is entirely irrelevant to this post) but that is the part that stood out. My husband responded with a note that the crush is flattering but that he is happily married and deeply in love with his wife. The female friend said she understood and the conversation ended.

A friend reached out to my husband wanting to have an affair. I'm not ok with that. Here's why. Via Honey & Pine #marriage #relationships #marriageadvice

Within minutes the ‘friend’ with the crush e-mailed my husband apologizing and hoping the friendship could continue without being awkward.

We thought, “Oh, of course the friendship can continue without being awkward. Everything is ok. It was just a harmless message.” It would have and should have been ok, but it wasn’t because it just didn’t stop.

Within days of her “apology” she began sending my husband new messages seeking out new reasons for needing him to see her. Her messages included:

  • Wanting him to meet her just to hang out 
  • Needing his support for her life hardships

but it was the final message, the one that contained the inappropriate dirty innuendos and asked him to meet her at a hotel while I was at the office during the day (my husband worked remote from home at the time) that made me finally lose it. Each time she contacted him to meet up, my husband told her no and warned her that it was inappropriate given the earlier confession of feelings. Each time she contacted him, he told me.

Yet, she continued to persist until finally the friendship ended. Cut off. Completely. Goodbye.

When my husband first told me about the initial e-mail, I had smiled thinking it was cute someone had a crush on him and I dismissed it. It didn’t taken long though before I started wondering, “Why did she tell him? What was the goal here? What was she trying to accomplish?”

Now, there are those who will respond with, “But she didn’t tell him!  Her friend did!” but I don’t believe, not for a single moment, that this woman was not fully aware that my husband was being informed of her crush on him. I believe that she knew her friend was telling my husband, and when he rejected her crush, immediately jumped online to e-mail him an apology. Not to mention there were all of the follow-ups…

I have a problem with it. It’s not ok and here’s why:

What is the Goal?

Why would she tell a married man that she has a crush on him? What’s the goal? What is she hoping to accomplish? If she wants a relationship with him, she has to realize that means he would have to leave his wife for her, right? She would be destroying a family.

A friend reached out to my husband wanting to have an affair. I'm not ok with that. Here's why. Via Honey & Pine #marriage #relationships #marriageadvice

If she is seeking an affair, she would be ok with the lies and the deceit that accompany that decision?  

Why Tempt His Faith?

I include this because I know, due to the friendship, that she does indeed claim to be a woman of faith and she is well aware that both my husband and I are devoted to our faith. It upsets me that she would have such little regard for our faith and place my husband in a situation where he may be tempted to break both the 10th and the 7th commandments. He is strong in his faith, and never considered adultery, but I resent her trying to place temptation in his path.

More Love:   5 Habits That Could Ruin Your Marriage

10th – “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife (or husband as in my case), nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.”

7th – “You shall not commit adultery.”

Why would she try to willingly and knowingly lead a husband away from both his wife and his God? Her lust for another woman’s husband has the potential to ruin his marriage, damage both his and his wife’s hearts and lives, and lead his soul astray.

It’s Disrespectful

Expressing her crush on my husband is disrespectful, not only to me but to the sanctity of our marriage.

I could let it go if she didn’t know he was married but she did. She was ‘friends’ with us both! How classless and immoral to not only express those inappropriate feelings for a man with a wife, but to also display no respect for his wife or his marriage? Was she thinking he would keep it from me? Did she hope that they would continue a secret friendship or that she would somehow become closer or more important to my husband than I am?

Of course I understand how a woman could have feelings for my husband. He’s amazing – kind, considerate, romantic, compassionate, encouraging, intelligent, humorous, etc. He’s wonderful and I know I’m lucky to have him. But, he’s married which gives you no right to actively pursue him. 

So, do I have a problem with her and her crush? Yes, I absolutely do. It doesn’t matter now if her feelings change, if she moves on to someone else, if she says she’s no longer interested because her morals have already been shown to be questionable and she cannot be trusted. Despite how much I trust my husband, I cannot trust someone who actively attempts to breakdown our marriage.

*Update* – When I first wrote this post I wrote it as a way of expressing my feelings on a message my husband had received.  I had no idea that it would generate so much attention or that I would receive so many e-mails from women who have been in a similar situation or who lost their husbands to another woman.  I would just like to say to everyone – THANK YOU – for visiting, sharing my story, commenting, for e-mailing me and/or for subscribing. Please, come over and connect with me on Facebook or Twitter.  I love to interact with everyone and I’d really love if you stayed around.  

*Update 2* – While the friendship can never be restored there is peace and forgiveness on the part of all parties involved.

Ladies, how would you react if someone had a crush on your husband?  Would you be ok with it? How would you have responded if you were in my situation?

Check out one of my favorite marriage resources – The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by John Gottman Ph.D.

Comments

  1. Honestly, I have no idea how I would react but I would definitely consider the same types of questions you asked above and I can relate to how you are feeling (in high school, something similar happened)…I’d like to say I would just ignore it but I know my personality and how I let things get to me so I’d probably be pretty upset, too. Good thing you have that husband of yours! 🙂

    • Yes, he’s pretty amazing! I’ve brought it up more than a few times in my insecure and jealous moments. Each time he’s been kind, loving, and understanding of my feelings and continually reassured me. I’ve very lucky.

    • I enjoyed reading this article and most admire your husband.
      I’m having a little bit of a different situation. My husband seems to pursue our 21 yr old neighbor woman. He’s known her since she was 8 yrs old. But he shows up on her doorstep to ask her to do things with him. Occasionally it’s alone time and other times it’s with her brother and father.
      My biggest issue is he is not forthcoming about it. He will sometimes tell me after the “date”. Or when he tells me he’s going fishing he’ll name a person that is going to be there but not name her.
      He’s telling me that I’m out of my mind and I’m just being jealous. Anyone see a problem or am I just put of my mind?

  2. Wow! I am sorta flabbergasted. I could see myself having the same initial reaction that you did, brushing it off as no big deal. But I 100% agree with your conclusions: it IS a big deal! It’s one thing to have those feelings, it is another thing entirely to make them known- I agree, the crusher absolutely knew what her friend was doing. The whole thing is not ok- it makes me question the woman who told your husband as well, what was her motive? Shouldn’t she have told her friend “you know, he is happily married and this crush will never go anywhere, so it’s in your best interests to forget about it”??

    • Yeah, I questioned her as well. I don’t understand women who would express such feelings and I really question their intentions. What’s the purpose? Nothing good can come of it so it’s best to simply keep those feelings to yourself. It really irritated me. I had to hold this post for a few weeks until I calmed down enough to be logical in my post rather than on an emotional jealous tirade.

      • That was a good idea, because you spoke extremely logically and presented the situation in a clear way, it’s great advice for anyone experiencing a similar situation!

        • Thank you for this! A very similar situation has happened with my husband and I am proud to say this is exactly how we have handled it. Unfortunately, the female in our situation keeps trying to reach out to him even though he and I (and her husband) are all aware and have asked her to stop. My husband has let me know every time she has tried to contact him and I love and respect the way he has handled the whole thing, but her pursuing is getting tiring and downright frustrating. We have all confronted her, but I do not
          Know what else to do.

          • Oh Katy, it really is a tough situation however there isn’t much you can do on your end other than block her contact info from trying to reach you (email / phone / social media /etc). If that’s not an option you could always look into harassment and a court order if you feel it has to come to that. Fortunately in our situation she stopped and it was not an ongoing issue. In your case it sounds like something hopefully her husband can handle. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation, I wish I could be of more help. 🙁

  3. wow… I agree with you all the way. I can’t imagine how well I would react to finding out some girl had a crush on my husband! What this reminded me of, though, is a friend of mine that whenever i find out they have talked online or texting, I get jealous. and i’m not the jealous type typically. For some reason, I don’t really feel like i can trust her with my husband? He always tells me what they talk about (typically she’s asking for financial or relationship advice) i don’t know how to describe it to myself, much less on here! But if anyone could offer advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

    • Hi Laura! Thanks for stopping by today. 🙂 I completely understand your feeling. We all have that person (or a few people) we don’t feel like we can trust around our spouses. I have had male friends my husband didn’t feel comfortable with and I stopped privately communicating with them. The same goes for him. In your situation I would be mostly concerned about why she is reaching out to your husband for relationships advice. The financial advice (does your husband work in finance?) could be understandable but relationship advice? For that she should see a counselor, therapist or consult another friend. I’d be upset by it.

  4. I LOVE this post!!! I think you are 100% correct with every single one of your points. For them to make you aware was dumb and frankly immature. I’m glad that you didn’t take this lightly and that you are willing to speak up!! As someone who has a passion for marriage, plans to be a marriage educator, and blogs about the subject every day, I applaud you!!!

    • Thank you Amberly! I’m glad to see that you agree with me and no, I didn’t take it lightly. My marriage is the single most important thing in my life and I do not appreciate anyone behaving in any way that could be perceived as a threat to my relationship. My husband made it clear he’s happily married and he shut it down immediately but it still bothered me that a woman could be so bold.

  5. I would seriously find this woman and sit down with her and have a very honest and open discussion. I would especially if it was someone that I knew personally. Nothing is sacred anymore and women these days have nothing to lose. Her act was very disrespectful. You personally deserve an apology. I am glad that your husband was honest enough to tell you.

    • My husband is amazing and his honesty/integrity was never (and is never) in question. I do not know this woman personally and since the situation first occurred weeks ago it is indeed resolved. As my husband said to me, she is likely to be struggling with things personally and is seeking someone to fill a void. While my husband is not the person to heal her we are praying for her.

  6. I absolutely would not be ok with it. I believe you when you say her friend knew. I am not a religious person but I still believe it’s downright shady and mean. I would not continue a friendship and I would confront her and tell her to disappear. I’m so sorry that happened to you.

    xoxo
    The Accidental Mama
    http://www.theaccidentalmama.com

    • Hi Laura! It’s ok that it happened b/c my husband is one of the most honest and open people I know. All passwords are open and neither of us have any secrets IRL or online so it was never anything shady on his part. This woman on the other hand is of questionable morality. As my husband said to me though, she deserves forgiveness and we must only pray that she finds a way to fill whatever void she is struggling with.

  7. Nope, nope nope, not even a little bit. I am not as forgiving as you – I would hunt down the little would-be homewrecker and beat her with a bag of oranges, but that’s just me….

    • Ha! Hilarious imagery there Rebecca! 🙂 While I fully understand the temptation to beat her with a bag of oranges you know full well (and I know you do my friend) that you shouldn’t. It’s easy to forgive her since my husband handled the situation so appropriately.

    • I would feel this exact same way. Since when has having a crush on someone been harmless? What do people mean by “harmless”. It’s not like tu can suddenly change your ways. When you have such a huge crush on anyone, you can’t decide to just suddenly get rid of feelings for someone. It could only be harmless, if the crush was guy and you were straight. Rejection doesn’t always go down that well. Do you know what it’s actually like, for the position your husbands in ? I’ve been on the receiving end, of the embarrassment of having to reject a man, because I didn’t want to sabotage, the already brilliant relationship I had with a different man. And I only felt put under pressure to pretend to have feelings for the man who wanted me. Why would I waste my time, flirting with someone else, and risk my love life? I guarantee this is how you’re husband is feeling. If you don’t want to believe me, that’s up to you, but there’s nothing worse, than someone trying to flirt with you, when you’re already in the perfect relationship. As the person having the crush on you, is putting pressure on you. Don’t worry about that, because if your husband didn’t seriously want you, he wouldn’t have stayed one. Look how far you’ve both come. Do you honestly think some crush has the potential to get in the way of an already well-formed bond?

  8. I would probably be okay with it because I’m not insecure with myself or our marriage. I know he loves me and our bond is worth more than anything else, even monogamy. That being said hey if she’s hot why not let them have fun?
    I’m secure enough and love myself enough to know that my value as a person is not limited to what I offer in bed or through forcing someone to stay with only me. I found our marriage was a happy and healthier place after I had this revelation.
    Just a thought.

    • I don’t think insecurity has anything to do with this. This is more to do with respect, boundaries, and morals. Just because you love yourself and are confident doesn’t mean your husband will never fall into temptation… My husband is completely devoted to me and one of the most trustworthy people I know. I have never once worried about him leaving me for another woman. That being said, it still pisses me off when another woman disrespects our marriage in any way, ESPECIALLY now that we have a son together. When some female disrespects our marriage she is not only disrespecting my husband and myself, she’s also disrespecting my child. Um, NOT HAPPENING. Nothing about that is okay. I am a confident woman, I have my handsome, adorable husband all to myself and I know it. But… “Ain’t nobody got time for a thirsty ho”

      • You made me laugh with your “ain’t nobody got time…” comment. I admit, despite knowing I shouldn’t have thought/felt that way the same thing did cross my mind when this first happened. Like you, I do not doubt my husband’s commitment to me and our marriage but it does anger me that someone would feel that it is acceptable to disrespect the covenant of our marriage.

    • Hi! Thanks so much for leaving your thoughts on the situation. 🙂 I’m glad that you have found a place of contentment in your relationships and have reached a happy and healthy place in your marriage. While I (obviously) do not share your sentiments the more important thing to me is that we each find a way to maintain the respect and dignity of our marriages. I do not feel comfortable sharing the intimacy of my relationship with my husband (both in and out of bed) with a 3rd party as I revel in our exclusive close bond. We each have different roads to achieving satisfaction in our relationships and I’m glad that you have also found yours. <3

  9. Love this! Wish this had been written a couple of years ago. I could have used it and forwarded it to my husbands crush! Jezebel was not the word I used to describe her though. Good for you for writing it. 🙂

    • Hi April! You didn’t mention how the situation ended but I hope it was resolved happily for you. I was trying to be kind with the Jezebel reference, when this first occurred I had far harsher things to say. I had to take a week or two and find forgiveness before I could write this post. I didn’t want it to be angry and vengeful. <3

  10. I have a similar situation. My husband left me 4 years ago for another woman after 19 years of marriage and 3 kids. He still, even though engaged to the “other” woman, flirts with me and tries to get me to send him inappropriate pictures. When this was first going on, in the beginning of the end, I asked this woman if she could help me to make him stop. It was turned around on me and they said I was trying to split THEM up, he and I were still married. I no longer say anything to anyone about it but don’t know how to make it stop either. I will forever love the father of my children but this does not mean our relationship could or would ever be again.

    • I do not understand men like that. I do not understand the lack of love, respect and commitment. I’m so sorry that you had to experience something that and even sorrier that it is still continuing. I wish I had words of wisdom to offer you or some way to help but I don’t know what to say/do. All I can offer is to keep you in my prayers and pray that you find resolution to your situation soon.

  11. I don’t care one bit. My husband is loyal to me, he’s not going to leave me for some other woman because she has a crush. Many women have admitted to me that they have a crush on my husband. It’s because he is kind, loving and always willing to lend a hand or an ear, whatever someone needs. He radiates this light that people are just attracted to. He is literally the dream guy so it is only natural that they are attracted to him. I feel very lucky that he picked me and only has eyes for me even 6 years later. But none have ever told my husband, either they have told me or made the mistake of having the wrong confident who ended up telling my husband, much to their mortification.

    But I am not religious so maybe that’s why I look at this differently.

    • Hi there! Something you mentioned sparked my attention and it’s when you said, “Many women have admitted to me…” and I can agree with that. I have had women tell me as well and that does not bother me nearly as much. My husband is also very kind and loving and many women are attracted to that sensitivity. I certainly trust my husband but I can’t help but question the motives behind someone expressing their feelings for a married man.

      I think we are very much on the same page as it’s not the attraction but the expression to him that I take exception to as a wife. <3

  12. Wow! That friend who thought it was a good idea to tell your husband is a bit cray-cray too. There is absolutely no reason to tell someone who is married that you or your friend have a crush on them. Like you said, nothing can come from it, so why even go there? This isn’t high school so people need to learn to keep their inappropriate thoughts to themselves!

    • Hi Julie! Yes, that friend was a bit out of line as well. Once again, I must question the intent. It’s a shame especially because the one with feelings toward my husband is quite young and there are many, many good single men out there for her. She’s a pretty woman and I do hope she finds someone to make her happy but that someone is not my husband.

  13. This happened in my marriage and broke it up. She was supposed to be a friend anda fellow christian. She chased my husband and told publicly it was okay to have an affair if they ended up together. Unfortunately my husband was weak and did not do the right thing. I ended up losing my pregnancy over all of it. Everything said in this blog was what I wished I could have said at the time.

    • Oh Kerri! I am so sorry that happened to you! That is awful and that you lost a friend, husband and child is so sad. My heart is breaking for you. I hope and pray that you find peace of spirit and new love. <3

  14. Bottom Line here: 1. Private matter between you and your husband. 2. Why does the “girl that is just a friend” or any girl for that matter email with your husband? 3. Why did your husband even respond? A few good boundaries for the future for your marriage would be 1. hubs doesn’t share his email with women. 2. if women get his email/cell#/facebook etc., he explains to them that he’s not interested in messaging/emailing/texting them thank you very much. 3. if it happens again, block the individuals involved. don’t even respond.

    • Hi there! Both my husband and I have friends who are of the opposite sex; they may be old classmates, friends from church, friends of family, former co-workers, current co-workers, etc and I do not have objections to friendships or messages. The concern here is not with my husband but rather with someone’s admission for romantic feelings which I feel my husband handled appropriately. I will keep your advice in mind however as it is certainly a valid way to protect a marriage.

  15. This is fascinating. I’ve only been married for a year and a half, so I’m a bit inexperienced. But my husband is a youth pastor and I suspect a few of the high school and college girls may harbor crushes. How does that relate?

    • Never allow for a situation to arise where your husband is alone with a girl or a group of girls from the youth group without you being present or another mature christian woman. I spent much of my youth visiting single women and men who needed outreach. My mother’s health was not great, so she could not go with him. Instead I went with him so that there could never be a question about his coming and goings.

      I guess we took a page out of Billy Graham’s playbook:

      “Concerned that scandal could ruin his reputation and dilute his message of salvation, Graham and his colleagues came up with the so-called “Modesto Manifesto,” an unwritten guide for maintaining integrity — financial and otherwise — in Graham’s ministry. Of the points they agreed on, the best known is Graham’s refusal from that point forward to travel, meet, or eat alone with any woman other than Ruth, to avoid even the appearance of sexual impropriety.

      “One of the guys that traveled with him would literally go into his hotel room, and my granddaddy would stay outside until this man had checked the room to make sure there was no one in there,” Will says. “He’d check under the beds and in the closets to make sure no one could surprise my granddaddy by having some girl run out naked or in skimpy clothes, and they’d take a quick picture and run out the door screaming, ‘Look who we found Billy Graham with!’ ”

      Today, the policy of not being seen alone with a member of the opposite sex — other than one’s spouse — applies to all employees of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. Some people may find such precautions prudish or extreme, but you can’t argue with the results.”

      I read this in Franklin Graham’s book, Rebel with a Cause and you can find it in this article as well. http://www.ourstate.com/billy-graham/

      I hope this helps put your mind at ease and gives you direction. God Bless you and your ministry as you give young people direction. I don’t know you but I will pray for you and your ministry.

    • Sorry about that. I guess I was thinking faster than my typing. Here is my corrected first paragraph:

      Never allow for a situation to arise where your husband is alone with a girl or a group of girls from the youth group without you being present or another mature christian woman there. I spent much of my youth visiting people with my Dad; many were single women and men who needed outreach. My mother’s health was not great, so she could not go with him. Instead I went with my Dad so that there could never be a question about his coming and goings. I guess … I think the rest of the post was correctly written!

    • Hi! I wish I knew what to say to you in response to your questions but I struggle to find the right thing to say. I do believe the advice given below by “IMC” is valid and something to consider. My issue in this situation was less with the crush itself and more with the admission of the crush and the implied expectation of returned feelings. There have been women before her who had feelings for my husband (as expressed to me or which were revealed later) and I understand that crushes develop. I simply expect that women be mature enough to handle their feelings and not cause them to lead others astray. I can only suggest that you try to maintain a very clear and very strong presence beside your husband so that these young girls know that the two of you are a strong committed couple.

      • Good Advice Ashley. When I got married my husband was a school teacher. I am not ashamed to tell you that my husband looks about 10 years younger than his actual age and was at times confused with students by some of the older teachers. No one ever approached him at school, but there were a few instances out in public where former female students came running up to him to let him know that they had graduated and were now, “not off limits”! The first time it happened I thought I was gonna pass out or punch the girl! But my husband gently took the girl’s arm of off him and very nicely introduced me as his wife and told her that her behavior was unacceptable. He also told her that any self-respecting woman would never go after a married man, no woman should ever want to become “the other woman.” As the years have passed, this does not happen as often, but it still makes my skin crawl to think that anyone would think this is okay. Now no matter where we are, he holds my hand. This gesture reassures me and makes it very clear that his is definitely NOT AVAILABLE and is very much OFF LIMITS!

  16. This makes me angry. I was thinking what if the friend who sent the e-mail was really talking about herself & just used “the friend” method to see if he would take the bait. Hmmm? I wouldn’t like my husband to be friends w/ this person either. This person doesn’t respect your marriage either. No thanks!

    • That crossed my mind at first as well but when the woman with the crush wrote him directly with an apology I dismissed that theory although it may still be true. It’s a frustrating feeling to know there are women out there with so little respect for someone’s marriage.

  17. I have been married a year today. My husband and I have had our ups and downs over the year. I asked him if he would ever cheat on me. His reply was ” if I find someone that I like/love more than I do you, I will let you know before I cheat.” That to me tells me he would have to talk to that female and get to know her on a very deep level to come to that conclusion in the first place. It frightens me to think he could leave if the situation occured. I will definitely keep this post in mind. Yes it would bother me if someone had a crush on my husband, but only if it were more harmful. Just to have someone crushing on you is one thing, acting on that, and in today’s society is very much the case, j would be devastated.

    • Oh! My apologies but I dislike his response as well. 🙁 I mean, I appreciate his openness and his honesty with you but it is so much more reassuring to hear something like, “Absolutely not. I’m committed to this marriage and if anything occurs that I feel like is leading me away from you we will talk about so we can fix our marriage.” Hopefully that is what he meant and he wouldn’t be open to communicating that deeply with other women.

      As you said, to have a crush is one thing but to express that crush is quite another. Your marriage is always worth fighting for, never be afraid to stand up for it and protect it!

  18. I’m not married myself, but I do know that this woman definitely wanted your husband to find out. Women don’t just tell other people about a crush they have on a married man unless they’re hoping, maybe subconsciously, but definitely hoping, that he will find out.

    Perhaps she has no intent to pursue this crush, but she still wanted him to find out, and that says a lot. It tells me that a tiny part of her was secretly thinking that maybe, just maybe, something could come of it. And when he responded politely but directly (which he handled exactly the way he should have) she quickly attempted to cover up her faux pas.

    I’m a senior in college, and I have definitely used the “let him find out ‘unintentionally’ that you have a crush” scheme to get a handsome single guy to notice that I’m eyeing him (young Christian guys can be so stinkin’ oblivious sometimes!) But again, I’m a twenty year old in COLLEGE. We do things like that. This is a grown woman and a married man – not nearly as acceptable or cute. Instead, this whole thing just feels very high school.

    It says a lot about the trust in your relationship that he felt confident in sharing this with you without fear of being blamed or accused of something, because he clearly knows that you trust him fully, and he trusts you to react reasonably. I encourage you to continue maintaining that trust, never allowing anyone else to interfere with it (unless, of course, that interference is Jesus). It is easy to let jealousy get the better of us, so just be assured that you married a good, Godly man and can rest easy in that knowledge.

    • Chelsea, this is such a beautifully written reply! Of course as a young woman in college you consider tactics such as having a friend “accidentally” let it slip that you have a crush. I did the same thing at your age, it helped keep me from having to be bold and face rejection. We all hate being rejected and embarrassed.

      My marriage is indeed very strong and my husband and I share a very deep trust in each other. It’s the foundation of any good marriage (remember that!) and he knows that I would not blame him for her actions. How could I hold him responsible for the words uttered by someone else? I can only hold him responsible for his own behavior, which was very appropriate.

      I do struggle with a jealous streak, I won’t deny it, but in cases such as this I feel it’s ok to acknowledge how I feel to and to express why I feel that way.

  19. I absolutely love this. I used to tell myself to just be flattered, that obviously someone sees in my husband what I’ve seen for years.. and that should be flattering. But it isn’t. Though understandable (because he is a dreamboat, really) it’s wrong. And what is the end game? To try and start something because my husband was kind with you or joked with you? It does make one wonder. And you’re right, maybe they aren’t Christian. But damage is no respecter of person, it just does, whether it’s a Christian who creates it or not. I also felt really ashamed to ever say anything, like I was being overly jealous or over protective. I’m really glad to read this. Great post.

    • Vicky, I completely understand! I felt the same way for a while. It’s easy to convince ourselves that we should be flattered, that it’s a compliment, that it’s cute. It feels like a validation that our husband’s are wonderful and attractive men and we can then view them as a source of pride. Initially I felt that way too but then it started to sink in and I had to start wondering what the motive behind the expression of feelings was and that is what led to this post. It offends me that she would even consider, for the slightest moment, that she could take my husband away from me.

      Please, do not ever feel ashamed of standing up for your marriage. Other than our relationship with God our relationship with our spouse is the strongest relationship that we have and it’s worth protecting. Hold it deep in your heart and guard it, it’s a precious thing.

    • LOL Neba. That was an early feeling as well and tempting due to my desire to protect my marriage but no, cutting her eyes out wouldn’t be an appropriate response although I admit I fully understand that desire!

  20. Standing up and saying to someone how their behavior makes you feel is totally ok and appropriate, even when what the sum of their behavior is some irresponsible, flighty, thoughtless or careless blurt like “Oh!, I have such the biggest crush on you / your husband / etc!”. Maybe there isn’t an endgame overall, maybe there isn’t some deeper motivation other than this graceless person just not getting checked on her gracelessness. Telling her that, big picture-wise, this is not appropriate commentary to make in married circles is 100% ok in my book. Maybe it’ll help her down the road, at least if not to examine the authenticity of her own feelings more, then at least to develop the wherewithal to keep some of her thoughts to herself.
    I would also say there’s a lot of suspicion and disapproval being sent straight at the crusher though, and not at the messenger. If I were the friend who had found out that someone was crushing on my friend’s husband (or wife) I’m pretty sure I would not bring it up to that husband / wife unless I had reason to think the crusher was going to try to intrude on their relationship. It wouldn’t be just a casual insertion into an email with a bunch of other stuff mixed in. Then, to the crusher I would most likely say (depending on how well I knew that person) something in the way of “he’s married, and really happy about it. Let that go.” I’d feel that’s my role as your friend.
    If you’re questioning motives or gracefulness, it’s my opinion that it’s not just the crusher that could use a little attention on this. The messenger could use some guidance on grace also – again, the fact that she was the one who shared the crush in the first place means she was the gate keeper to the big-box-o-questions that’s sitting on your chest for several weeks. It doesn’t look like the crusher is the only one disrespecting your marriage here, is my point – not only did the friend toss in this bit about the crush, but she clearly wanted a response from your husband to take back to this person – rather than checking the crusher herself. Why couldn’t she stand up for your husband and his marriage directly with this person and drive her to take responsibility for her crushing feelings on how she interacts with them?

    • You are absolutely correct! In the moment I was so consumed with my feelings toward the woman who I identified as the “crush-er” that I didn’t even consider the messenger. You are not the only one that has brought that same point to my attention and, in retrospect, she is just as guilty at disrespecting my marriage.

      Thank you for this point and I agree with you completely.

      • If the messenger was truly a friend to your husband, she wouldn’t have told him. She would have known he’s happily married and told the crusher-er to back off. I would consider evaluating that friendship and if it’s truly a good friendship to continue. I cut ties with a few friends that were guys because they didn’t respect my husband. Your husbands friends should respect you.

  21. I am not surprised, but it always amazes me, the depths a woman will go to destroy a relationship.
    Clearly that woman knew what her friend was doing, which is very junior high. The problem and big difference: junior high usually does not equal marriage, and everyone is trying to figure out their boundaries. As an adult, that is purely wrong.
    It not only means that woman is not to be trusted, because she lacks a moral compass, but her friend that enjoyed being the instigator-rather than being a friend and your husband’s and saying , “No!”. My husband and I have been married for 21 years and together 24 (this November). Marriages take work, and we learned long ago that we could not be friends with the opposite sex, unless we were all couple friends and I communicate with the women, and my husband with the men. As we have grown in our marriage, it has helped to hold what is dear to you close and only keep those in support of your relationship in that circle of friends.
    I am sure you were very happy and it showed the depths of your marriage, how your husband handled the situation and I am sure it brings you even closer to one another. But, it is just lack of respect for someone to put your husband in situation where he is put in a mortal and ethical situation, that he shouldn’t be in, period.
    I remember my SIL texted my husband one time to let him know some high school girl he went to school with had a crush on him. My husband told me, we laughed it off, but it truly bothered me. Not so much about the girl crushing on him, but the person who chose to be the messenger. That person is the one I hold most accountable, because at any given point, she could have said “No!”.
    Hugs to you and thanks for sharing something that sadly, many couples will face at one point or another. The best thing is to learn from it, use it to grow closer, and as a discussion tool to decide who deserves to be in your inner circle.
    xoxo,
    Lisa

    • Hi Lisa! This woman is indeed quite young and I was beginning to chalk this up to her immaturity but after reading so many other stories (in comments and via e-mail) I’m starting to, unfortunately, believe that there are simply women out there with either questionable morals or a lack of self-control. Above everything else though, and you touched on this, I wish that there was a higher level of respect for someone’s marriage because that alone should prevent this behavior.

      I’m glad that you and your husband have such a strong marriage and I hope that all is well with your SIL after her little disclosure. 😉

      • Don’t give her a pass because of her age. She crossed the line, and unfortunately, not all boundaries broken can easily be mended back together. Especially the instigator that at any time could have chosen to tell her friend no and not gone any further with it. As for my SIL, she has learned that we are committed to our family and that we don’t take affairs lightly. Most importantly, my husband and I have worked hard at communicating with each other. I hope through your sharing that you have been able to get some closure and decide how to handle the situation and what to do with the women involved. Great post!! xx

  22. I was the woman who lost her husband to another woman’s crush. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all her fault, he participated! However the deviatation to TWO families. She ended up back with her husband– but my 3 children lost their family. We have moved on 10 years later , but we were broken and things will NEVER be what they were meant to be.
    So to all women out there— please just think before you say something stupid or thoughtless. Don’t start something that would eventually hurt you, your family, him and his family. And never forget — “what makes you think if he/she will do it with you why wouldn’t he/she also do it to you?!”

    • I’m so sorry to read that, that must have been so hard for you and your family. My husband and I have a joke that “If the grass is looking greener somewhere else we’ll just water our lawn.” I’m glad that you have all moved on but I’m sure the hurt still lurks.

      As we’ve learned more we understand this woman is in quite a bad relationship herself and I’m sure she was turning to my husband for his sympathies and compassion. All he and I can do is remain strong together and pray for this young woman, hoping that God leads her to a place of healing and new love.

  23. Omg… This happens to me all the time! My hubby is a personal trainer which means that he is in constant contact with women. Even though I have come to terms with the fact that some of these lady’s will and do have crushes on my hubby I fail to understand why some feel the need to inform him of this crush. It’s so disrespectful not only to me and my hubby but to our marriage and his business. We have even had to “fire” clients for inappropriate behavior such as emails and text messages. Unfortunately some of these lady’s fail to see why their behavior had caused this but I just assume it’s just crappy morals.
    I am not an unreasonable person. I realize most of them are innocent and no big deal. I mean what women doesn’t want a hot trainer.
    My problem comes in when you feel the need to inform him or push the issue of your crush because really what’s the point. It’s not like you don’t know he is married. What are you hoping to gain? Attention, an affair or just hoping you were noticed? Either way it’s wrong. I once had a client post several photos of my husband that were taken during training sessions saying how she would like to “bone his brains out”. I mean really? How crude and disrespectful. My hubby is trying to run a business not a hook up service. I felt like I was over reacting and making a big deal of nothing but after reading this I am glad to know I am not the only person out there that attributes this kind of behavior to crappy morals.

  24. As much as I agree, I also disagree. Maybe the woman just wanted to get it off her chest, and the friend who told your husband is playing devils advocate. And there are different types of crushes like there are different types of love. This woman may have a crush because he’s so kind, funny, etc. It doesn’t mean she wants anything more than his friendship. I’ve had crushes on people for many different reasons. I love my husband because he’s all of those good things from all of those good guys rolled into one magnificent man.
    Also, if you’re so Christian, why did you automatically assume the worst? And also, stop it with the slut shaming. It’s disgusting.

    • Hi Kelsi! You’re right and it could have been possible that she just wanted to get it off her chest and her friend was playing devils advocate. That certainly happens. You are also completely correct that there are different types of crushes and some people want only friendships. I did note, however it’s possible that I wasn’t clear enough, that I did wait weeks before sharing this story. Far more occurred (regarding her behavior) than what I felt necessary to disclose and unfortunately she made her intentions quite clear.

      I did not automatically assume the worst and I apologize if that is the way this came across. I began to think the worst after she continued but I didn’t feel the need to share that excessive detail here. I thought the general point was enough. Although, I do admit, quite readily that I do struggle quite a bit with a quick temper but we all have our greatest sins. Imperfections are an unfortunate part of reality but mine do not make my faith any less real.

      As for slut-shaming, I didn’t feel that I was doing that either and I’ll again apologize for that perception. To clarify to myself I did up slut-shaming and I found a definition that said, “Slut-shaming, also known as slut-bashing, is the idea of shaming and/or attacking a woman or a girl for being sexual.” I was more upset with the pursuit of a married man than with her sexual behaviors. As I mentioned a moment ago we all struggle with our sins and I’ll again admit that I was sexually active pre-maritally. I won’t be critical of someone for that nor would I shame someone for having sex with a boyfriend or whomever they so choose. That’s not my place. My only intent was to protect my marriage and express my frustration over someone attempting to interfere with what I value so highly.

      Thank you for taking the time to leave your thoughts. I really do appreciate your perspective. <3

    • Ashley did not call this woman a slut, or any other name, BUT by accusing her of “slut-shaming,” you have called the other woman a slut.

      • Jessica, this made me laugh! You are correct, I never called her a slut and I would not do such a thing. I did call her a treacherous Jezebel, which in retrospect I regret, but otherwise no such names were uttered.

  25. I totally agree with you….why not just keep quite about it. A similar thing happened to me. My husband says he did not notice the crush. I don’t believe that for a second. She laughed so hard at every joke and would put her hand on his knee to laugh. I think Kelsi is wrong to think there are different kinds of crushes and being a Christian has nothing to do with it. Kelsi I hope your friends don’t have a crush on your husband because he is human and so are you. I do not believe we should ever have a crush on a married man or vice versa.

    • Hi Gloria! I guess that’s what bothered me the most, I don’t understand why it had to be expressed. I suppose I’m grateful to know rather than her flirt with intentions but still it would be preferable to respect a marriage and find another man to pursue.

    • Oh, and I also have a hard time believing the men don’t see the flirting but they can be kind of oblivious to clues. The obvious, “I have a crush on you.” Is much harder to ignore.

  26. I completely agree. If she knows he’s married, leave him the heck alone!!! A similar thing happened with me. A girl that my husband worked with started messaging him on FB. He says he didn’t notice, but she was seriously flirting with him!!!! And, as he says, “without realizing it”, he flirting back. He swears up and down nothing was going on between them and he was just being friendly and he thought she was just being friendly. We faught and faught almost to the point of divorce… I was devistated, heart broken. But I was more angry at “her” than anything thing, I wanted to kill her and/or ruin her life! We’re great now. He deleted his FB, quit his job and is really and truly trying hard to rebuild what was lost between us when it all happened.

    • Yes, FB played a role here as well. 🙁 As good as it is for keeping people in touch it can also be quite the disaster because it allows people to interact so quickly, easily and, if desired, deceitfully.

      I’m glad to read that he is trying hard to rebuild what was lost between the two of you. Hopefully you will be able to put your marriage back together and be stronger than ever. I’ll be praying for you!

  27. I agree!! I am LDS and marriage is the most sacred thing on earth. Why someone would go out of their way to tell a married man or woman they have a crush on them? It completely blows my mind. I think it’s harmless to think someone is attractive, there are no underlining feelings there. But to have feelings AND act upon them is unacceptable. That is off limits. She shouldn’t even have let feelings develop in the first place and telling him?! It doesn’t matter how he found out. That is just not something that you do. Ever

    • Agreed. It’s funny you mention the attractiveness thing because we had that discussion too. As you said, I don’t really have a problem with that because I feel it’s perfectly natural to admire beauty in the world wherever that may come from – people, places, etc. The problem comes in when there is either an expression of romantic feelings or behavior that attempts to pursue a physical relationship.

  28. When you try and play with a married man, you are potentially destroying an entire family. It happened to me. I don’t care what kind of crush you have or whether you believe he is “unhappy”. It happened to me and you were married too. My husband betrayed me with you. You both did it. Irreparably destroyed my trust for more than ten years. Took my three teenage boys through a divorce. No matter what he told you about my marriage, together you caused a lot of people pain.

    In December I marry someone very different from my ex-husband. He is trustworthy and demonstrated that by how he has lived his life for almost 60 years. I will have all three sons beside me, one of their wives, a girlfriend, and one beautiful granddaughter. You both caused myself and my family incredible pain, but in the end I hold my head high and have the love of my family and a new love in my life.

    • Oh, I’m so happy that you were able to find new love! That’s wonderful to read and December is coming up so soon. I’m sorry that you had to endure the heartache of watching your family be destroyed and the hurt that your 3 boys must have faced but I’m glad you are all able to move forward now.

  29. This is going on with me and my husband right now. I have told her to leave hom alone and that she is causing problems. It does not seem to matter to her. The worst part is that he seems to like the attention. We have had ups and downs like everyone but have always made it through. I just cant make him see how this is girls crush is more than what he may think it is.

    • She wants to cause problems. Problems are the first step to splitting up. I wish you the best of luck and I hope he quits acting like a 15 year old that is happey because someone of the opposite sex is paying attention to him.

    • One of the things that I said to my husband that really made him understand the severity with which I viewed the situation was, “Reverse the roles here. How would you feel if another man was speaking to me / treating me this way? Would you be ok with it?” When I made him really consider it from that point of view he started to understand. Perhaps try to have that conversation and see if it helps. I’m sorry, I wish I had more advice to give you on the situation. Above all else he should be respecting your feelings more than he values her attention.

  30. Different types of crushes?!? A crush is a crush. “Getting it off her chest” no, no. I don’t care how much you like a married man, keep it to yourself! Also I just love how any time a Christian says they are Christian, they are automatically too judge-e of people.

    Good words and nicely put. Anytime a woman goes to tell a married man she has a crush on him she is up to no good at all.

    • Hi Tina! I agree that any time a Christian says they are Christian we are automatically viewed as being too judge-y. It’s a shame that we are somehow viewed as being immune from feelings, hurt and anger. Above all else I value and protect my marriage and if that means I have to express frustration with a third party then that is what I will do. If God places conviction upon my heart for it then I will resolve the matter.

  31. Yes it’s a horrible thing for a woman to do…. but while reading this my thought was “what if God was testing his strengths? He certainly passed!”

  32. Thanks for sharing. I have had a similar experience only my husband was also being secretive. That is a painful experience and fortunately, I have known of women who were the homewreckers become the women who have had her homewrecked. Those women had to learn the hard way. What? They thought that if that man was willing enough to leave his wife for her, he wouldn’t do it for another woman?

    • I absolutely agree! If he would leave someone for you he is likely to leave you for someone else. I know that doesn’t always happen and sometimes people stay together but the odds are against you going into that relationship.

      I am so sorry that you had a similar experience and even more sorry that your husband was secretive about it. That’s the worst! Without full disclosure and open communication there is just too much possibility for something to go wrong. Secrets are never good. I hope that you have been able to move on from that pain and find joy and love again.

  33. People can’t help who they’re attracted to…but they CAN and SHOULD choose not to act on it. You can’t honestly say you’ve never crushed on someone’s husband, even if it was just a married celebrity. I’m 100% sure your husband has done the same. It’s human nature.

    If you’re worried about your husband cheating, take it up with him. He’s the one who made the commitment to you, not some random woman you’ve never met. Put the blame for infidelity firmly where it belongs: on the person who cheated. Or thought about cheating. Or whatever.

    Hold men accountable instead of blaming so-called “homewreckers” who have zero allegiance to you. It takes two to wreck a home. Seeing potential enemies in every woman who looks at your husband wrong will make for a long, paranoid life.

    • No, I don’t believe that people can help who they are attracted to. It’s biology and it’s totally normal. I don’t have any problem with someone being attracted to my husband. I don’t even have a problem with someone having a crush on my husband. What I have a problem with is someone expressing those feelings to my husband as though he would act on them. While the attraction and feelings may not be controllable the expression of those feelings absolutely is.

      I’m not worried about my husband cheating. I am not even worried about this other woman. Rather, I was frustrated by someone feeling it was ok to share feelings when it isn’t. I don’t see potential enemies in every woman but I do feel the need to let women know that expressing feelings toward my husband is not ok.

  34. I am totally with you on this whole subject… but please don’t say she is breaking God’s commandments, when one of his greatest lessons to us is to forgive. Do not be hypocritical.

    • Seems she has forgiven the woman but forgiving does not mean you have to still continue the friendship. There was a married woman who made a pass at my husband, and several others in our group of friends. We took ourselves out of the group and away from her. Less than a year later she was with a very good friend of mine’s husband. Destroyed absolutely destroyed a family and marriage 7 years and a relationship of almost 13 years. The separation was horrendous as well as the divorce mentally and emotional for my friend. But she’s in a great place now in her life raising her two children. The ones who have the problems? The cheating spouses.

      • That is a terrible story! It seems as though so many women pursue married men because they have shown qualities these women seek namely commitment. Unfortunately what they fail to realize is that if these men will break their commitment to their wife they will do the same to them (most of the time, I understand there are exceptions). I’m so glad that your friend was able to move on with her life and find a new joy. That’s good to hear although the pain must have been terrible for her. 🙁

    • You retard despite if she forgives or not the women plainly coveted her husband there for she broke a commandment there is nothing hypocritical about that.

      • Hi Todd! Thanks for stopping by, leaving your comments and for defending my words however there is no need to refer to Jane as a retard. While I respect differing opinions and enjoy readers interacting I would prefer that it remain polite. Thanks!

    • Hi Jane. She is indeed breaking the commandment of coveting and there was temptation of breaking the commandment of adultery. Why should I not mention that or be upset by it? I would be equally upset if someone committed robbery or murder (would you not?) and I would mention those as well. I have forgiven and we have all healed but that doesn’t mean that attention should not be paid to the potential problems of the situation.

      Also, I do not believe I have been hypocritical. I’ve never claimed that I am not a sinner nor have I claimed that I have not broken commandments myself. Rather this is about being upset that someone would attempt to deliberately lead my husband into breaking one that he would otherwise not break. Would you not be upset if someone attempted to coerce a family member into committing murder?

  35. There was only one intention of this email… to pursue a married man and make him choose weather cheat, or stay faithful to his wife. I think it is ridiculous for someone to pursue any married person, regardless if they are happily married or not!

  36. What Forbidden Fruit said PLUS..

    Humans are one of the few species that mate for life (or try to.) Couples fight that aspect of Mother Nature daily. We really aren’t wired for that internally. The only thing binding a marriage together is some legal paperwork and a personal commitment to another person. If that person doesn’t choose you in every aspect of their lives, there isn’t much you can do about that. You can’t control anyone and you can’t own anyone either even if you put a ring on it and sign stacks of papers. If they want something different in life, they will go for it. No, its not a good thing but it’s life nonetheless. Just be the best choice for them and they will choose you every time. Many people take other people for granted in small aspects which end up being the biggest reason for divorces and breakups. Don’t sell a person on a bill of goods and quit delivering at a later date. Be your best for someone and don’t worry about the rest. If it doesn’t work out, then you’ll find something else to invest your time/energy into. Nevertheless, be prepared to work for what you want because nothing in life is guaranteed.

    Lastly, if a person wants something in life, I personally encourage them to go for it. There are many couples that have great relationships because a great amount of effort was spent in making in happen for both people. This sometimes includes a breakup and getting with someone else. Having said that.. taking that long hard look in the mirror and knowing whether you are giving your best effort is a necessary evil. That way, if you are left alone by your significant other you will know it truly was their wishes and not anything you did. You would want your partner to give their all as well, correct?

    Marriage, love, friendships and all intimate relationships involve plenty of planning, thought and effort like a job. If you don’t show up to work or stay lazy a lot of the time, don’t be surprised if you get fired. Trying to maintain your own personal status quo doesn’t get you any raises either.

    • Chad, of everything you said I liked this line the best, “Just be the best choice for them and they will choose you every time.” My husband and I both put a lot of effort into our marriage. It is something we work at daily and pay very close attention to one another. We are very open in our communication regarding what makes us happy and what we love about each other but also when we feel that needs are not being met or if something is lacking. While the conversation can be uncomfortable at times it’s essential to being sure that we remain the best choice for each other. I would be devastated to lose my husband because I wasn’t providing something that he needed from me and I’m certain it applies for him as well. Nothing will ever be 100% perfect but just knowing that your partner is willing to make an effort to maintain a healthy relationship is a big deal.

  37. My husband and i have been married for two years, dated for five years first. We both had been married before, i was married 23 years he was married 27. So it was starting a new life and blending family but blending friends has been the difficult part. I find the women and couples he knew before me can be rather protective of him or possesive of him particularly one married woman. Whenever we see them i am reminded verbally how luckly i am to have him in my life, what an awesome catch he is , and i better realize how wonderful he is of course this is all while she hangs on him and forgets i am standing right there, he is clueless and i know doesnt even consider those comments but they hit me all wrong. I normally just return her comments with yes and he knows how lucky he is to have caught me too. I usually plant a big kiss on him at the same time marking my territory reminding her he is all mine. I am a rare treasure that was buried in a marriage of neglect and abuse. God rescued me and shined me up and did put me with tje kindest and most gentle person i have ever known. I pray for new friends in our new life together at this point.

    • Wow! That is SO bold and brazen of a woman to do to your husband. We have a hands-off policy to be sure that others aren’t inappropriately showing affection. While there are exceptions (life-long friends and occasional hugs) if someone were to hang all over my husband I would be likely to lift her hands right off of him. That’s just bold! Good for you for marking your territory and standing your ground. I also love you remind him that you are a catch too. I hate when women undervalue themselves.

  38. Yes, it is absolutely a problem – hers, not yours. You are absolutely right not being ok with it, but if you trust your husband, then that is it. Husbands aren’t “lost” to another woman – they aren’t a purse or a hoodie. They willingly engage and walk away from their families. Thank God you have an honest spouse that rejected it & told you about it.

    • Thank you Christy! I am very lucky to be with someone I can trust so completely. My husband’s kindness and compassion is quite a draw for women who are looking for someone sensitive as he is.

  39. My husband and I have struggled with this too. When we met online 12 years ago he was a east coaster and I was on the west coast. We found a love for each other without even realizing it, but we were both dealing with divorce and we both had a lot of growing up to do still. He got cleaned up by cutting his long hair off and shaving and putting meat on his bones. The first thing he did was send a picture to his ex-wife. Then he had his lady friends from back over there who would send him inappropriate texts and he and I fought a lot. Thankfully we both grew up and realized that even my anger and resentment towards him was a sin and he learned he was sinning by even thinking of another woman.

    • I love that the two of you didn’t allow distance to keep you apart! In this digital age distance is nothing and those who are meant to be together will find a way. My husband and I were online for a year (in different states) but we found a way as well. We’ve been married now for 4 years. <3

      I'm glad that you realized that you needed to let go of your anger and resentment. I've learned that too in recent weeks (especially in recent days) and I've had to really pray for the strength to forgive and let go. It's hard especially when your emotions are so heavily invested. Congrats to the two of you!

  40. You are correct. What she did is most definitely NOT ok. I am happy for you that you have a husband who is open, honest, and faithful to you, and who understands you when you tell him that her behavior is NOT ok. I had a husband who told me about his conversations with an old friend, only after they had been communicating for quite some time and those conversations turned sexual. He thought I would be ok with the conversations simply because he was “honest” and told me about them. Eventually, he decided that i should be more like her.

    • I’m curious as to what you mean that you “should be more like her.” Did he mean that he wanted you to create the sexual fantasies between the two of them? If so, I’d be quite furious! I’m not here to help create the fantasy that you’ve built with another woman. Oh, that ones really gets my blood boiling!

      I’m glad that ultimately he was able to be honest with you but I’m sorry that he didn’t do it sooner. Were you able to repair your marriage?

  41. I can tell you with absolute certainty my wife would see it that whoever had a crush on me was ‘run out of town’. I am perfectly happy with that. Any woman told me she had a crush on me, I would not trust anything she said thereafter. Would I be flattered? Certainly! But how could I trust someone who is willing to risk destroying another couples relationship. NO! On the other hand, my 1st wife cheated on me twice. The first time she came home pregnant with another man’s child, I waited 3 months for her to confess (Yes, I knew she was pregnant and the child wasn’t mine). I forgave her and we moved on…until it started happening again 5 years later. that was the end.

    • It is remarkable that you could forgive your ex-wife’s cheating especially when it resulted in a child. That is impressive and an amazing lesson in forgiveness. I’m truly sorry that she didn’t learn from her mistake and your forgiveness and chose to continue her behavior.

      I also understand the flattery of a crush! We all feel a certain feeling of flattery and improved ego when we learn that someone has a crush on us. That’s the danger of the temptation! It is normal to want more of that good feeling and that is why they are so hazardous to relationships and marriages.

  42. I was wondering if you were upset that your husband told her they could continue a friendship? I feel like that would bother me, did your husband go back and say that he could not have a friendship with someone who so obviously had no respect for his wife and marriage?

    • Hmm…that’s a good question! I was back and forth on it but I’ll explain why. There are a few things that I didn’t mention in the post because at the time I didn’t consider them that relevant and I absolutely didn’t expect this post to garner so much attention. For one, she currently doesn’t live in our immediate area and she is in a relationship with someone else. Both my husband and I initially dismissed her admission and moved on as though it was a minor thing and neither of us considered it necessary to end the friendship since she isn’t an immediate threat. As the days passed by I became more upset by it and ultimately those feelings ended with this post. As I became more upset the friendship did end between them. So, initially no but ultimately yes.

  43. I have had this happen. But a little differently. The woman came to me and said if he was not my husband but someone eles she would have sex with him. But because he was mine she did not want to upset . She then proceeded to ask my forgiveness. I all the wile was trying to keep myself from harming the woman.

    • Ohhh that’s just as bad! I had that happen when we lived in Florida! A friend of mine said that if he wasn’t mine or if he was single she’d have him in her bed in a second. She then followed that up by asking if we were swingers! O_o Yes, I was offended. Did you forgive her? I also hope that you were able to keep yourself from harming her (although I’m sure it was challenging). No need for assault charges.

  44. I too have had similar things happen, and i am currently going through a divorce , because of a woman like this and my husbands weakness. She knew we were married, she also knew i was sick and doing chemo, things were hard between us. That did not give her a right to pursue my husband though. I am with you that it is not OK to go for married men or women. That it is not OK to break up a family. I know now that temptation is real and it is out there. To have your husband or wife taken from you is devastating to say the least. I am so glad to hear that your husband loves and trust you enough to show you messages that he received that mine could not. Thank you for writing this and expressing what I could not.

    • Hello Jeni! I hate reading this and I pray that you are feeling better now. You said that she knew “i was sick” so I am going to pray that your illness is behind you and you are looking forward now to a new life.

      I am lucky that my husband felt he could be honest with me. As the weeks continue to pass we move farther away from this situation but I am still grateful for his honesty. I hope that you find a new road to happiness.

  45. Years ago, my husband, then fiance, was told by some guys he worked with that a woman there had a big crush on him. He told them he was not interested and was happily engaged. They encouraged him to cheat on me. He got mad at them and stopped talking to them entirely. He told me as soon as he saw me that night. I was most hurt by the stupid guys than the girl not caring he was in a relationship. He said other women there kept telling her he was in a relationship. She never approached him though after that and he didn’t work there much longer as the company moved to a bigger building farther away.

    • I would be upset by both parties but yes, in this case especially with the men that encouraged him to cheat. Do people have no respect for anyone anymore? It’s quite sad! I’m glad he was able to get away from the situation, find a new job, and provide you with a greater sense of security.

  46. I have fallen for a man who was single before he got married. It wasn’t a crush. What hurt was he met this woman I knew that wanted him for financial security. He was an attorney. I didn’t care that he was an attorney. If he were a Kosher butcher, I would still fall for him. He was a nice guy. I never told him after that how I felt and after he got married, I just kept it to myself. The woman put on a good act though to get him. I think she knew that I had feelings for him and she just didn’t care. She knew through my mother (She tried to warn him too about her), but since she was Jewish and so was he, he had to marry a Jewish woman. I am half Jewish. I would have converted for him. That was how much I loved him.

    Regarding your article, this happened to my mother. Her first cousin had a huge crush on my father and she didn’t care that it hurt my mother and disrupted our lives. My father would take her side against us and feel sorry for her because she was sick all of the time. We could never be as sick as her and if I stayed home from school or work, God help me. I have a life long illness and he did not care at all. Eventually my parents marriage fell apart and they got divorced. He married my mother’s first cousin and he got a good taste of what she was really like. He found out real quickly he should have appreciated his family a lot more than he did because she was a waste. This goes back to my first paragraph. I always believe in what goes around, comes around. I would never do that to someone else whether they deserve it to happen to them or not. I don’t want it coming back on me and I wish other women out there would stop pursuing men that are attached and respect the fact that they will never fall in love with them while they are attached. Drop the fantasy and ground yourselves in reality! My father was never in love with my mother’s first cousin no matter what she thought.

    • It must be so painful to watch the man you love be involved with another woman. I can’t imagine the feeling and I’m very sorry that you have ever had to endure that, especially when the other woman isn’t good to him.

      I’m also sorry for you and your mother. I’ve never had a family member try to interfere but I can imagine that would be especially devastating. I hope that your mother was able to find a new love and move forward with a beautiful life.

  47. Interesting that you’re placing full responsibility for affairs completely on the woman. It takes two to tango, lady. Maybe if you kept your husband satisfied, he wouldn’t consider straying to another woman. Just because a woman has a “crush” on your “fabulous” husband doesn’t mean she’s some kind of devil woman out to get you. Maybe the woman has received signals from your man and is just responding in kind. As a woman, I’m entirely offended that you would place all the blame on the female instead of looking at the situation in a realistic way, which is that your husband is a normal man who sees an attractive woman and probably thinks about what she looks like naked. Like every other man on the planet. Stop wallowing in your insecurities and get a life.

    • You seem to have missed a big point in this article. For one, it wasn’t an affair it was an admission of feelings for another person. An admission of feelings does indeed only take on person. I’m surprised that you missed that unless you merely skimmed the content, felt offended and decided to leave your opinion here in the comments. While you are indeed entitled to your feelings I would appreciate if they did actually pertain to what occurred. I won’t blame my husband for a woman expressing her feelings for him. If there was an actual affair then of course he would be just as guilty. Perhaps you would benefit from reading and understanding an article in its entirety before being “entirely offended” that I would blame the woman (and in this case the guilty party).

    • This is the most ridiculous thing I have read. Did you even read what she wrote. She isnt placing blame on women alone for affairs. She isnt worried about an affair. He husband wasnt interested in this woman nor did he contact her. Her point was that this woman knew her husband was married but tried to start something with him anyway. That is wrong. She went out of her way to let him know that she was available for an affair, which are wrong and destroy lives. Doesnt matter who starts them. She was saying that someone who would knowingly try to have an affair with a married man has a low moral character. Which she does….so does a married man who tries to start an affair. ..however in this situation that wasnt the case. You clearly are not married and have low self esteem yourself. Anyone who would agree to play second to the wife with a married man clearly does not feel that they are worthy of being treated better. Have more respect for yourself.

    • Your response is silly. He wasn’t straying. A friend of his admitted to having a crush on him. You have taken a post that was about none of what you mentioned above in order to bash another human being. You assume that her husband did anything other than be himself in order to inspire a crush. That is a foolish assumption. As a human, I am entirely disappointed that you would be so reactionary in your replies rather than making a well thought out statement once your emotions had a chance to calm down. Take a time out. Read it again through unbiased eyes, if you are capable. And remember, sometimes the best way to respond to something you dislike is not to respond at all.

  48. I first want to say that I appreciate your post, and your willingness to respond to so many commenters. You seem genuinely interested and sympathetic and that means a lot.

    When my husband and I were engaged, a girl kept flirting with him. I tried to tell him what she was doing, but he just thought she was being nice. Women have a better intuition than men a lot of times. She eventually came up to me at a gathering and told me that she liked him and was going to pursue him. I was so taken back, I didn’t even know what to say. My husband had a conversation with her about how inappropriate her actions were and how he intended to marry the woman of his dreams, and I don’t think she ever spoke to him again after that.

    On our honeymoon, my husband went to get directions at a store, and a female began hitting on him. I suppose she might not have known that he was taken, but he was wearing a wedding band. He told me as soon as he got back to the car about what she had said.

    I’ve also had women and friends comment about how “hot” my husband is, and when we were dating they would flirt with him and tell me that if he was single that they would have him.

    Knowing my experiences and reading so many of the other comments I am amazed at the number of classless ladies out there. Morals have gone out of the window any more. If he’s taken he is off limits. That is that. Respect the man, his partner, his children (if he has children), and yourself! You don’t want to be the other woman. I think if they put themselves in the wife’s shoes that they might back off. What if the man you are crushing on was your husband, and another female was hitting on him? I imagine it would be a different story. Not to mention if he is willing to do that to his wife/partner do you think he won’t do it to you? There is a reason why second marriages have a divorce rate of about 67% and third marriages 73%.

    Women aren’t the only guilty ones in these scenarios either, but they seem to do a lot of pursuing. Men definitely are just as responsible. They should honor their families and be honest and loyal. Men should also not seek out married women. Thankfully, it seems we both have great guys.

    One of my pet peeves is people saying that a person must be insecure to be upset about things like this. You can be the most secure person, and still expect people to respect you and your marriage.

    • Hi Jane! I appreciate you taking the time to stop by, read, and comment. The very least I can do is reply as a sign of my gratitude. 🙂 You wrote quite a bit so forgive me if my reply is lengthy.

      The boldness of some women astounds me! The nerve of her to approach you at a gathering and tell you directly that she intends to pursue him is just so brazen. I’m very glad that your husband set her straight and defended you. That warms my heart! There have been so many sad stories come out of this post that I’m glad you have a man that stood up for you.

      I hate when my friends talk about my husband. I’ve experienced that too. While it is always nice to know that others approve or admire your husband it’s quite another when they begin discussing their attraction to him or how they would pursue him if he was available. I can never trust these friends after that admission. I worry about telling them of a disagreement or an irritation for fear that they will manipulate the situation to cause problems. How can you trust a friend after that?

      This post has generated so much blog traffic and I have read so many stories. There are those in the comments below but also e-mails and Facebook messages from those who wanted to share their stories but who did not feel comfortable sharing them publicly. I have cried for so many broken hearts, crushed souls, and shattered families. I just have a really hard time with this whole thing and the people that feel it’s ok. I don’t think I’ll ever understand it.

  49. I totally understand and agree with you wholeheartedly. My husband and I were high school sweethearts, married when he was 19 and I 18. While in school, we both had a common acquaintance who was crazy about my husband. She called him nearly every day just to talk and insisted they were just friends. To him, they were and I did not have a problem with this at first as I had male friends I just talked to as well and neither of us were really the jealous type. But after we were married and her calls increased, I eventually said something to her and the calls stopped. Fast forward 25 years to his class reunion where we met her again. She and I talked a bit and I really liked her. She was so outgoing and bubbly and I didn’t have a lot of friends and we just fell into a friendship. Not long after she and her fiancé became quite close to us and she asked my husband to “stand up” for her at her wedding as they had been “best friends” in school and her lifelong family/friends did not approved of the man she was marrying. We talked about it and while we thought it strange as neither of us had considered her a close friend and neither of us had ever seen a male “maid of honor”, I did not have a problem with it. He felt sorry for her and did it. This was the first sign all was not well. She and her husband became constant friends/companions and we had a lot of great times together but noticed she would tell stories about her and my husband’s past friendship that were lies and never happened. My husband and I just shrugged it off. She was obviously very insecure and if she needed to believe these false memories, what did it hurt? But she grew worse and more verbal with her feelings. At our 25th wedding anniversary party, I saw her hug my husband with her arms around his neck like a lover but did not know until later that she had whispered in his ear that he was the only man she had ever loved. He was so stunned when he told me this. At first I laughed and blew it off. I knew that he had never thought of her that way. We are very close and all our friends say they wish they had a marriage like ours – after 30 years we are still best friends, rarely fight and are very happy with each other. In my security, I could afford to be magnanimous and ignore it. But we became more and more uncomfortable as she was increasingly touchy and verbal and we began to distance ourselves from them. She would call my husband with some information she thought he’d want to know just so she could talk to him. He stopped answering her calls so she started calling me every couple of days. I stopped answering her calls. We didn’t want to hurt her feelings but I was hurt that “my friend” would talk to my husband this way. She had inherited an antique that my husband wanted to buy from her and told him if she ever sold it, she would sell it to him. One day she had finagled a visit to our home and whispered to him when I was out of the room if he would have sex with her, she would give it to him. He couldn’t believe it. He told me later and we decided that was the end of the friendship. I did not want to confront her, so we just stopped seeing them or talking to them. Eventually, she sent me a message asking what she had done to offend me. I told her we had hoped to keep from hurting her but as she would not simply let us distance ourselves from her and just let the relationship die, I would tell her. I explained all the things she had done, asked her did she really think he would not tell me what she had said and done, and that I felt betrayed and her obsession with my husband was more than either of us felt we could deal with and that we could no longer be her friend. She insisted she had no clue what we meant and that she was not obsessed with him. Since then she has tried on several occasions to contact him but he does not respond. Her latest was to send him a belated Happy Birthday message in October (his birthday is in March and she knows the exact date). I was lucky. My husband was never attracted to her and we have a very strong relationship built on mutual love, respect, trust and friendship. But I can easily understand how attempts like this can damage all of those things and the person expressing their feelings is only out to get what they want at the expense of a family, marriage and devastating heartbreak. The sad part is that I truly liked being around her, enjoyed what I thought was her friendship and felt so betrayed that she was my friend only so she could get to my husband. I am so glad you, like me, have a husband who is willing to share these things with you and understand your feelings about the situation as well. I hope you have a long and happy marriage. God Bless you!

  50. I’ve had this happen to me but on the opposite spectrum. I’ve had a kid I went to Culinary school with ask me to cheat on me husband with him. I told him flat out no and ended the friendship. I told my husband, who asked where this guy lived so he could go beat him up. This was when we had only been married for about a year.
    Most recently, after 5 years of marriage, I went to a church function and started getting text messages from an older gentleman at the church. He has three kids and I think his wife is gone on business quite a bit. I thought nothing of them at first, he was just asking how my day was going or about my new job. Then it got weird and he told me he couldn’t stop thinking about me. It really freaked me out and I ended that friendship. He tries to get into contact me still, this was only in the past few months, and I just ignore him.
    My husband and I are high school sweethearts and he is now in the Navy. I have complete and total trust in him and he has complete and total trust in me. We tell each other everything and really work to make our relationship work. We hardly ever fight and just in general enjoy each other. Our mutual friends call us “the youngest, old married couple” they know. What that lady did would have made me furious because I’ve had a few Navy wives who’ve lost their husbands due to talk like that.

  51. For the most part I really enjoyed reading this piece. I’m not married, but I’ve been in a steady relationship and I can only imagine what this might be like.
    The only problem I had was the part where you said, “…perhaps she isn’t a Christian woman (and bless her soul if she’s not)” before you mentioned the commandments you believe she broke, or the sins she committed. This is a harsh thing for a non-Christian reader to come across and I’m sure you’re aware that a portion of your readers weren’t Christian. I know you didn’t mean for it to come off as condescending to your non-Christian readers, but unfortunately that’s how it comes off as.
    This woman has committed sins/broken commandments and maybe it doesn’t Impact her because she isn’t a Christian so bless her heart.
    It makes it seem as though a non-Christian can’t tell the difference because they don’t follow the 10 commandments so they have no moral compass at all to guide their decisions. Such a beautiful opinion piece shouldn’t carry such a negative message.
    I don’t believe that I’m the only one who saw it that way and I hope you can understand where I’m coming from.

  52. This happened to me as well. The short story… A co-worker (14 yrs younger than my husband and newly married) expressed her feelings. Unfortunately, the flattery was enough for him to give in. We separated, and my 4 children and I moved hundreds of miles away. After a year of being separated (not divorced) we began to slowly work on our marriage, but the girl would not leave him alone and he felt bad for her. She was continually pulling at him. Just 2 mths ago, my husband was killed by a drunk driver.
    Your blog post said so many of the things I’ve wanted to say to her. Yes, he gave in to her, but it all starts somewhere and it started b/c she said something to him. My husband and I were married for 16 yrs. My children and I lost a year and a half with him because of the affair and just when things started to look up, he was killed. It’s hard to not be angry at her for all the lost time. It’s hard to not be angry b/c she’s trying to grieve as though she lost a husband. But God has been with me every step of the way and I know now why God kept telling me to wait and not divorce. I know now why God provided a place for us to move a year ago so He could prepare us to be on our own. Knowing those things doesn’t make it easier to deal with his death, but it is a constant reminder that God has always been watching over me and our children.

  53. Sadly this happens so often! It’s so sad to me that this is so common. Thank you for posting and being fully honest, because this is NOT okay!! I wanted to share something we agreed on when we started seriously dating because things like this were happening. We decided that we would have no friends that are of the opposite sex. I don’t have other men’s numbers in my phone (single or married) and he doesn’t have women’s either. It’s something we did to protect our marriage and not allow any window to temptation to be open. I have a close friend of the opposite sex who I have known since I was a child and we have remained close without anything beyond friendship for over 20 years now. However, when I began a relationship with my husband, we agreed that my friend could no longer be my exclusive friend, but would have to be my husband’s friend. Since we have been married I do not call or text my friend unless we call him together. My husband knows my friend is important to me, and so he was happy to make him his friend in order to maintain those ties. Some people have asked me if I think this is really fair. YES. Just YES. My husband is my best friend and I always want to honor and respect him and the covenant we have in marriage. If I thought that friendship was more important than my husband, I probably should not have gotten married. Another person told me she thought it was ridiculous since my friend and I had never been more than friends. To that I would say that this is true, but with friendship comes close emotional connection and understanding, and with that can come temptation during those inevitable rocky moments in marriage. There will be rocky moments and having the option to turn to a male friend during those times can be DANGEROUS! So we decided we would eliminate that option, for both of us.(don’t want to sound like I’m the only one who changed my friendships, my husband did this as well) If we do need to contact someone of the opposite sex, maybe for something at work or to help with something at church, we use group text. It just helps to have the accountability built in! We don’t ride in cars alone with someone of the opposite sex, don’t Facebook message people of the opposite sex, and don’t accept phone numbers of people of the opposite sex. It’s so hard to protect marriages these days with porn and hookup apps available at your fingertips. I appreciate your honesty in this post and just wanted to share what we have done to help protect ourselves from these things, because I have no doubt a similar situation will happen in almost ALL marriages.

    • My husband and I are very similar. Out of respect, we don’t have “privacy” with anyone of the opposite sex. It doesn’t mean we don’t have friends/speak to friends of opposite sex, just that we don’t have private relationships with them. No text, no fb message, etc. Many people say that we should trust each other. This isn’t a matter of trust. It’s a matter of respect for one another. I don’t say anything to anyone that I couldn’t say to my husband who is my partner in everything that matters. That is what is important to us, and our opinion of each other is more important than anyone else’s.

    • Its important not just because of sexual temptation, but because your platonic male friend might just not like the fact that you are happy with someone. I have a few male friends I have been close to over the years – and we all commiserate over relationships not working. But once I met my current partner and fell in love, they sat waiting for the ax to fall – which it inevitably did when we reached some incompatibilities in the relationship – as all relationships have happen from time to time. My friends were eager to point out that I deserved much better, but this is the man I am with now – and they were still in the space of finding their perfect girl… It became that space of emotional infidelity where someone’s negative viewpoint of your spouse from the outside can have disastrous results to your relationship. None of my platonic male friends liked my boyfriend, they all thought I deserved someone of a higher educational class. I liked him and was determined to make it work – because I felt comfortable and grounded when around him – and he was willing to work out the communication aspects and learn from me… So I stopped complaining to anyone about it not working and going to them for advice – I just stopped talking about it and figured it out for myself.

  54. Have an ex-gf/booty call do this to us. She wants to remain friends with my husband. I’m sorry but their friendship ended when they became intimate. Some people are okay with ex’s hanging around but were not. She blames it on me that it can’t happen. What bugs more is she does stay in contact by staying in contact with my husbands parents (who will not cut off ties with her).

  55. Thank you for sharing this. My husband works in the media and is very well known and liked in my area. He is on the radio and when he is out in public doing radio remotes, he tells me that women come up to him and admits to him that they think he has a sexy voice or that they have a crush on him. His ex girlfriend that broke things off with him before we knew each other 12 years ago moved back to the area and wanted to “catch up” after she heard him on the radio and decided to call into the station. While I blew it off as funny, so did he, and I know he would NEVER do that…it still hurts eveytime that happens. I feel a little more disrespected each time it happens and a little more insecure, again, even though I know my husband loves me and would never act on others feelings. I am just so lost about what to do and how to handle it because this is our family’s livelihood and I can’t ask him to leave his job and our only source of income. But your blog as inspired me. I don’t blame my husband one bit but now I have the courage to express my feelings. Thank you for writing your blog. I don’t feel alone anymore or ashamed in my thinking that crushing on a married man isn’t ok.

    • Hi Lynnette! No, please do not feel ashamed of your feelings and do not feel alone. I have received dozens and dozens (or 100) messages from women who have experienced the exact same thing. It is ok to share your feelings, ok to tell your husband that you feel that these women are being disrespectful to your marriage, and ok to be upset.

      So long as your husband is acting appropriately please refrain from being angry with him. We can only control our own words and our own actions. I hope that you are able to find a mutually happy resolution to your situation.

  56. Im just throwing this out there … people now a-days are so unobservant that there is a strong possibility that this other woman genuinely didn’t know he was a married man and if your going to hate her for thinking your husband was great then you also have to hate yourself because when you met him im sure you thought he was great too. Besides none of this should even matter because your husband did the respectable thing and kindly informed her he was unavailable and im sure you two are close enough that you can trust that That will always be his answer.thanks for considering my input and I wish you a great day.

    • Hi Allen. This really has nothing to do with her being unobservant as it wasn’t as simple as her not noticing a ring on his finger. We have both conversed with her and she had, in conversations, often mentioned me. It was very clear he was married.

      Also, the statements that 1) I hate her for thinking my husband is great and 2) that I must hate myself for thinking my husband is great are quite silly. I do not hate her but I am aggravated that she would express feelings for my husband. If I hate anything I hate her behavior for sharing a crush on a married man.

      You’re right that none of this should matter since he did the right thing but when it happened I was hurt and angry. When I took this to my blog I never imagined it would receive this kind of attention and it was meant to blow-off steam. Regardless, it has garnered a lot of attention and I stand by my feelings.

  57. This thing happened to me. At first, I tried to build a relationship with the female in question. I really did. Over a course of months, I knew she felt more. My husband, being naive and faithful, never thought she would have feelings for him. But he is a great guy! People are drawn to him. I knew is he felt more. I even invited her to our wedding. Shortly after our wedding, I discovered she did in fact confess her love for him. He was shocked. That’s when it him me, what the hell was she trying to do by telling him?! I was furious. Did u expect him to leave me? Cheat on me? Come on! She even came to our wedding. That must have been a real crappy day for her, seeing a man she fell for marrying me. I’ve accepted it, but it’s not okay.

    • Goodnes, reading your comment made me have a flash back! I had A very similar thing happen to me. My then fiancé had just moved in together with our daughter,when his ex-girlfriend tried to start a friendship with me. I as naive as I was befriended her back. The times she was over I would feel so uncomfortable with her flirting with him. He didn’t respond or flirt back. But I just shrugged it off and a few months later at our wedding (that she attended with my invite) I found out that she talked about how much she was still in love with him and come to find out she had sent him several FB messages! Which he never responded to. We are definitely not in contact with her anymore. We have been happily married for 4 years now 🙂

      • Congrats on your marriage and I’m glad you found happiness with your family! How awful that she would manipulate a friendship with you in order to draw closer to him and try to come between you. I’m glad you have cut off contact with her and that you are happy with your husband.

    • No, it’s not okay. I cannot believe she had the nerve to confess her love for him and still attend your wedding (I’m assuming that your wedding took place after her confession). You experienced the same questions I did. What’s the point? Why tell him? What were you trying to accomplish? It’s silly really unless you want to destroy a relationship.

  58. I have delt with thw same things yet I am not married due to my own problems. (Daddy left unsuspected) and he understands. But some women with the want for him because of the amazing man he is. High school sweet hearts we have delt with a many “girls” who have tried to split us up just for a one night fling. Everything you’ve wrote I’ve thought and discussed with my man. Its so sad the world we live in so many men and woman thrive on taken people and look at it as an accomplished goal! I am glad to see the mutual outlook we share. Thank you for sharing.

    • Hello Samantha. I’m sorry that you have had to experience the frustration of people trying to interfere with your relationship. I’m glad that you and your boyfriend are able to stand together in the face of temptation and that you remain together. It is sad that there are so many people that consider it ok to pursue someone who is in a relationship. Thank you for coming by and for leaving your feelings.

  59. Trying to figure out why you felt the need to add “Now, perhaps she isn’t a Christian woman (and bless her soul if she’s not)…” Not everyone is Christian, and being one doesn’t make you a good person. Commandments and religion doesn’t automatically make you moral. You can be good without religion. So, having said this, I agree with the remainder of the article.

    • Hi Rmezz! I added that because I wanted to clarify that I’m not necessarily holding her to the standard of the commandments but rather my husband and I hold ourselves to those standards. As a person (a “friend”) who knew our faith I was upset that she would put my husband in a situation to potentially be led away from our faith. There is enough to struggle with on a day to day basis that I was upset she would add one more thing to work as an obstacle. I never meant to imply that being a Christian is mandatory for morality. I would fully agree that the two can be exclusive as I have met many amazing, and very moral, people who are not Christian and I have met many Christian people who lack any morals at all. I apologize if there was any implication that religion is a necessary prerequisite to being a good person.

      • I think it was probably the addition of “(and bless her soul if she’s not)” that made it seem very judgemental and high-horse-esque. It was the only point in the article that I was thrown off by, otherwise great read! I’m glad your relationship is so strong with your husband and it’s a shame that there’s so many people commenting with things along the lines of “it takes two”. That is not true at all. My husband worked as a server in a restaurant for a while and girls would leave their numbers on his receipts all the time. He’d tell me about it laughing and then crumple them up and throw them away. He was their server. It was his job to be nice. He wasn’t sending mixed messages. Granted, he didn’t wear a ring while serving because of the amount of time his hands were spent in goop and water and the danger of losing it at work was too high. Obviously my marriage wasn’t disrespected in these circumstances because these women had no way of knowing that he was a married man. My point is just that attraction can and does happen without both parties expressing interest so these comments are just kind of absurd and groundless. Your husband did right by you and blaming your husband for unwanted attention is wrong. If he were a woman with a man pursuing him I’ll bet there wouldn’t be a single comment here condemning her. It’s wrong. This woman and possibly the mutual friend are the only people to blame for this gross situation.

  60. I met my husband when we were both dating/engaged to other people. After a time as just friends, I found myself single and realized I had a crush on him. I kept that secret to myself and told no one. A couple of my absolute closest friends figured it out but never brought it up because we all knew he was in a relationship. It really wasn’t hard. I knew and accepted he was with someone, and I was ok with him being happy, because I wanted him to be happy. Time and circumstances worked in both our favors in the end, all without anyone having to cheat or lie or interfere in the natural courses of any relationships.

    I recognize I got lucky that we ended up together, but that does not diminish my belief that had we not, had he goneon to marry that other person, i wpwould never have told him of my crush. I equally strongly believe that women/men who do say such things to a person who is in a relationship (directly or via an intermediary) is doing so in the hopes that s/he will choose them… It is selfish and potentially destructive behavior in my opinion.

    • Hi Sherry! I’m so glad to hear that the two of you found your way together and especially glad that you did it without either of you interfering in the other’s relationship. What is meant to be will always find a way on it’s own. To destroy the happiness of two people simply because you want one of them to be with you is selfish, I agree, and I’m glad you did not take that route. This shows what a beautiful person you are and what a kind soul you have. Keep being such a kind person, your husband is quite lucky to have you.

  61. This is hysterical! Your husband had the correct response even though I think he is more involved than you are letting on, but you still are mad. And at the woman no less!

    What signals is this woman getting from your husband that admitting a crush is ok? Why is he even that close to her? Take a good look at your marriage…an honest look before you start the name calling. It takes two to tango.

    The vast majority of single women would never go after a married man. Just because he is dreamy to you doesn’t make him dreamy to me. So calm down. If you have every reason to trust your husband (and I don’t think you do) you have nothing to worry about.

    • Sue, I disagree with you. There are some single women as well as married women who would absolutely go after a married man. Really? You really believe that a single woman will not go after a married man? Don’t be so quick to criticize it may come home to you some day.

    • I am so sorry that you have obviously never met a decent man or husband. Your lack of faith in her husband, who you have never even met just shows how warped most people view marriage and the relationship between man and wife.

      The woman showed a clear disrespect for marriage, and that is not ok.

    • Hi Sue! You’re certainly entitled to your feelings on the matter but no, my husband wasn’t more involved. It was simply a matter of a woman who didn’t understand that some feelings are best kept to herself. There was a friendship and it could have remained purely platonic as it had always been except for this expression of emotion.

      I do agree, it takes two to tango, however in this situation there was only one person involved as the second (my husband) issued a very clear rejection. There was no “tango.”

      I disagree with your feelings about the vast majority of women. A few weeks ago I would have likely agreed with you but ever since this post I have received far too many messages, e-mails, comments, tweets, etc of women sharing their stories to believe that this is the case. In fact, the feedback has been very depressing and quite disheartening. Some of the men have strayed (and in those cases both parties are equally culpable) and in others he remained loyal and honest.

    • Wow.. presumptuous much? This woman, Ashley, expressed her personal feelings on her own blog, about her own marriage. Unless you’re the friend or crusher (and I think you are) you know nothing about their relationship. I really don’t think you are, in fact I have no idea, but my point was neither do you.

      • Hi Amanda! Thanks for coming by. 🙂 I appreciate your reply in my defense and thank you also for not resorting to name-calling and the other rude behaviors that other commenters (which have been deleted) resorted to in their replies.

    • I know a lot of single woman that have actually said to me if they see a hot guy and he is wearing a wedding ring that they take it as a challenge and do everything they can to get that guy. It’s ridiculous how some woman are and I’m not saying guys are totally innocent but I knew of/know why more woman that would over step personal boundaries just to get what they want.

  62. I completely agree with you! It is not okay. The woman definitely had an ulterior motive and does not respect the sanctity of marriage. This is part of the reason 40-50% of marriages fail. It is okay to have a crush, but if the person you are crushing on is married, you need to keep that to yourself and find someone else to crush on.

    • Tina, you are exactly right. I don’t begrudge anyone a crush and I understand that sometimes they develop without people really be consciously aware but to express those feelings is an entirely different matter and behavior that is completely inappropriate.

  63. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years. A few years ago a girls crush almost destroyed us. She also almost destroyed a few other couples after us. My boyfriend is a kind man who dosnt always realise that girls can take that kindness as flirting. Lucky enough we are fine now and happy, but that year was hell for me and I wouldnt wish it upon the worst of people.

    • I’m glad the two of you worked through it. Some people don’t seem to understand that these private, confidential conversations can be the beginning of a breakdown in trust which only leads to worsening problems. Like your boyfriend my husband is a kind man. He works with troubled youth and other human services so his huge heart and compassion is quite evident. That kindness can often be mistaken for more than it is which is unfortunate. Protect your relationship and always fight for it.

  64. We were in an opposite situation where my best guy friend made comments about his crush on me. I finally had to cut off conversation completely because it was not healthy, and I wanted to respect my marriage. I love and respect my husband enough to do that. You are absolutely right, we need to protect our marriages and keep that noise out!!

    • Good for you Gabe! It is very important to love and respect our partners and protect our marriages. It’s great that you recognized it was an unhealthy conversation and took steps to stop it.

  65. What kind of “friend” was this chick being in letting your husband know another woman has a crush on him? This “friend” sounds like a troublemaker. Kick her to the curb. NOW!

    And then chill. If you are confident in your marriage, all that scripture quoting is totally unnecessary. You and your hubby should laugh at the ignorant hussy who thought she should contact your husband personally after he shot her down via this mutual “friend”. If you are secure in your marriage, then take some pride in the fact that you picked a guy that other women can’t have. If he’s good looking, then you won’t be able to stop other women from taking a shot at catching his eye. Be PROUD of that, instead of worrying about it. If he loves you and doesn’t want anyone else, then there is no problem here. He’s doing a fine job shutting down the floozies who hit on him without you having a meltdown. And if he ends up NOT shutting them down, then you’ll realize HE is the one with the problem.

    As far as this “friend” who took the liberty of passing on the crush news to him, is she in middle school or what? Find some new friends. It sounds to me like SHE might be crushing on him, too. And pulled this little stunt to see if he is cheating material.

    • 🙂 I just replied to David (above) who mentioned the same thing. What’s up with this friend who made the disclosure? Honestly, I didn’t get the vibe that she was interested at all because of where she lives and her family situation so I dismissed it as an error in judgement.

      I am confident in my marriage and I’m sorry that you found the scriptures unnecessary. They were not intended to be preachy but rather to share my own personal feelings on why I felt her actions were so inappropriate. While there are plenty who don’t share my faith, and thus wouldn’t be spiritually offended, I am quite bothered when someone, who knows our faith, makes any attempt to lead one of us astray. We make quite enough mistakes on our own, as do we all.

  66. The husband’s friend is the one to watch out for. It is possible that the other woman didn’t know he was married or that the friend was saying this; but the friend darn sure knew! Maybe SHE was testing the waters for her own interest. However, great job on the husband for his response and great job on the author for defending the sanctity of your marriage. Sounds like a solid one!

    • Hi David! You know, you aren’t the first one to bring that up and we had a long talk about her too. At first I pretty much just dismissed her because she lives in a different state, is married and has children. While I felt it was disrespectful I didn’t get the vibe she was “testing the waters” although it’s possible. There is a growing distance in the friendship with her, we will see how it all pans out.

      Our marriage is a solid one. My husband is a great one and someone I feel I can trust completely.

      • That is awesome Ashley. It sounds like you do have a great marriage. It is wonderful to see a couple that is so willing to go-to-bat for the sanctity of their marriage. Marriage commitment is deeper than just not committing the act, it is a commitment of the heart, the mind, the eyes, the spirit, and the body. You guys get that and you defend it. If all married couples would do that divorce would disappear from the landscape. Keep up the awesome work. Your story is inspirational.

  67. Your making a lot of assumptions. Crushes are harmless. It’s not like she sent him a nude photo. The fact that you go on and on about it makes me feel like your insecure in your relationship and should probably seek some help.

    • Hi! I didn’t make assumptions, in fact I asked a lot of questions. In fact, my entire paragraph about the goal of the disclosure was quite riddled with questions obviously portraying my confusion about why there was even a need to share the crush. The last paragraph, about the feeling of disrespect, is also full of questions. Did I share my feelings? Of course. That was actually the point. As Christian people I felt it aggravating that any attempt would be made to lead my husband astray and I felt disrespected as a wife.

      I’m definitely not insecure in my marriage. It’s actually quite the opposite. I have a very strong and very honest relationship (which is why my husband came to me in the beginning with the disclosure of a crush) and I’m very happy. It is because my marriage is so strong that I become upset when someone attempts to interfere.

      I do agree that crushes are harmless however the disclosure of a crush, the expression of those feelings, is not.

      • If you were feeling secure in your relationship your post would have been “Your crush on my husband is okay.” not what it is. As a fellow Christian you are making Christian women out to look like crazy possessive jealous haughty women. There’s also a verse about love kept in secret is worse than something else that’s also pretty bad right? My brain is foggy without my coffee but anyways its great that he shared that with you but I bet now he’s regretting it. You talk too much and it sounds like this where as you keep blabbing on to say it doesn’t bother you, it does and if you don’t figure out a way to get past it it can cause problems in your relationship. Good luck.

        • She never said she was worried about her husband acting on the crush. She said she was worried about the woman thinking it was okay. Obviously this woman is not walking a path with God or she would not being having crushes on married men. Because in no Bible have I EVER read that was okay. This to me didn’t focus on it affecting her married, from what I read it did not, but on the fact that their are women out there who secretly HOPE that it would affect her marriage.

        • Not true. The issue here is the secret way it happened. Via email to the husband. Only. Not in a social setting where both were present. Whenever there is secret communication, there are never innocent motives. Im with her on this one. Yes, her husband was forthright in telling it happened, but it shouldve never happened in the first place.

          • Well then she should be mad at her husband for allowing whatever woman to think that it would be okay for her to tell him in that setting. Usually when guys do stuff like this it’s to “feel his wife out” to see what would happen if he were to cheat. As someone who’s been threw this and is now divorced I will say loosing my husband is the best thing that ever happened to me and my kids. He’s a better dad now that it’s only part time and we see more money from him than we would have had I stayed. Traditional marriage is super hard to maintain and I do believe it is outdated in our present society. Even if he doesn’t act on it in the physical form odds are he’s thought about it witch Jesus says is just as bad. He must have done or said something to this woman to make her have a “crush” on him. These things don’t just come out of no where.

          • That is ABSURD! You think you have to go out of your way to make someone be attracted to you?? In what world? That would be true for someone just seeking attention or affection. I would show my husband any message I would find inappropriate, not because I want to see what he would think, but because I don’t hide ANYTHING in my relationship. Especially something I know would be hurtful to him if he saw it after the fact. He would do, and has done the same thing for me. That’s healthy.

          • You have serious issues. Your arguments are coming out of your own negative experience and you’re projecting them onto this woman and her marriage. She’s right to feel disrespected.

          • Honey…I think you need to pray before you post anything else and also read your Bible. Traditional marriage is a God thing and jealousy is as well…our God is a jealous God over His children. Wives and husbands are very right to be jealous over each other and affection given outside of the bond of marriage. This woman is right in everything she said and did to protect her husband. I am sorry your marriage did not work out. Perhaps God has other plans for you but I know for a fact that if both husband and wife have God as their foundation that He can heal whatever hurt and help that relationship blossom and thrive and be healthy. Without God as the center in each of your hearts however it will ultimately fail. Marriage is hard…it takes work hard hard work to last. It’s hard enough for two people with God’s help to make it lasting and great without some crazy Jezebel coming in trying to cause problems. I say to the Jezebel back off and watch where she puts her eyes and affection. He is taken and completely off limits from any flirting or crushing. This woman has every right to feel the way she does towards her husband and it has nothing to do with self esteem…the most beautiful of the beautiful get cheated on all the time. So…please give her a break and before you comment again please pray and ask God is He wants you to say anything. I find your comments very rude and hurtful and I don’t even know you people. . . And by the way…I have many non Christian friends who would wholeheartedly agree with the author of this blog about this issue. It’s a matter of respect not whether Christians should not be mean to other women who are flirting with their husband. And as far as the verse goes in the Bible that says Love should not be kept secret let me just say this…the Bible never ever ever ever to infinity and beyond ever contradicts itself. God said in Exodus 20, “thou shalt not commit adultery”. He also says elsewhere, “thou shalt not look at another man’s wife (or woman’s husband) to lust after her (or him)… so the verse about not keeping love a secret in no way applies to a married man or woman. Please don’t confuse the two. God meant what he said about marriage being a sanctified unity. He expects us first if all as humans and 2nd if we are saved and His child to uphold our marriage vows as best we can with His help giving it everything we have and if that means calling out some woman who has nothing better to do with her time than to try to cause some married man to want her than so be it. I hope I haven’t been offensive but I could not read on without commenting on this post. That is all.

          • This couple is obviously a strong Godly couple, are you trying to sow seeds of doubt in this lady’s mind?? in your comments you make it sound like the husband is “testing the waters” and then saying marriage is outdated?? Even placing the blame on the husband in the last sentence?? you astound me!
            Bitter much?? the fact that THE HUSBAND TOOK CARE OF IT telling the “manhunter” to back off should have given you a clue. are you trying to make this lady doubt her husband? You do realize in the very same Bible you are referencing it also talks about people who sow doubt and discord. God hates it so much it’s actually in a list of 6 things he abhors (Proverbs 6) not only that but you are “speaking evil” against her husband (James 4)
            I pray that one day you have a better experience with a man, but I also want to say “Traditional Marriage” as you put it, is not and never will be “outdated” God’s word is everlasting, and “traditional Marriage” is the way He wants things to be, “One Man, One Woman-till death do they part”. If the people of the world decide they don’t want to follow God’s guidelines, well so be it. But that does not meant the God’s word (and incidentally God-John 1:1) are EVER outdated!!

        • I would like to assume you were in that “fog” when you posted this response. It is pure ridiculousness that you think she is not secure in her marriage because a female thought it was ok to lust after her husband and going as far to involve a third party in her shenanigans. It all seems a bit shady. And while it’s true another woman can’t take my man if he didn’t want to be taken some of these females that prey on other’s men need to be put in their places. Successful marriages are built on trust, faithfulness and hard work!!! These women need to find a single, available man and do the time to get what they want.

    • This is a reply that shows little or no thought. Let me preface this by saying I am a husband who has had this happen before. This was a high school attempt at testing the waters while being able to save face. If you know someone is married, and I am willing to concede that you can develope feelings of attraction and it not be intentional, but taking any action on those feelings is wrong. The author is correct that this was calculated by this woman by getting her friend involved. What is missed in this is that other friend getting in there is also wrong. Yes crushes maybe harmless, but any action on those are crossing the line. And informing a married man that you have feelings for him is taking an action. Let me turn this around a little. Would this response be different if the married man had a crush on someone and had told them? I think the protection of her marriage is perfectly fine and admirable.

  68. Married men are not available – what was she thinking? Thank you for sharing this because I had no idea this happens so frequently. I am in a newer relationship and already dealt with the exgirlfriend and exwife sending me hate mail – so I am certain I will have to tend to this in the future. I have a wonderfully loyal man with a good heart. Because this is rare, a lot of women are taken by it. No excuse for hitting on a married guy though!

  69. I think youre overreacting. You’re husband clearly said he’s happily married, that should be all that matters.
    Plus, I tell my coworker her husband is a “cutie” or a “hunk”, she always laughs and giggles about it. Today she texted him telling him what i said which she then sent him another message telling him not to let his ego skyrocket, cause “you’re ugly”.
    If you have jealousy or self esteem issues, then of course you’re going to not be ok with it.

    • I dont think it has anything to do with jealousy or self esteem issues. People dont understand boundaries anymore. Either way it is perfectly fine to become “jealous”. For the same reasons it sucks to find out your husband is having an affair. An affair doesnt happen like THAT- it starts out small. Its not wrong to protect that person you cherish, even if by just saying “I don’t like when you talk to him/her that way. Not appropriate.” But ultimately it is the husbands job to protect that. Hopefully the marriage and relationship is founded on enough trust that this would not be a concern.

    • the difference here is that this woman did not tell the wife. she allowed the husband to be told. if you tried to secretly tell your friends husband that you thought he was a “hunk” i’m quite certain your friend would not be so thrilled about your “compliment” then.

  70. It makes you wonder where these women get their nerve from! There was a woman that would text my husband 20 to 30 times a day. After several discussions about her texts I texted her and asked what her intentions were and if her husband knew she was texting my husband so frequently and bless her heart she never replied to my text or texted my husband again. I don’t think you over reacted. You seen the situation for exactly what it was as I did. May you and your marriage be greatly blessed!

  71. My husband and I were friends with another couple. My husband and the female from the other couple would go places together at times but not frequently. It seemed innocent enough until one day when I observed her looking at my husband with such longing on her face. My sister saw it too but my husband did not. I pointed it out to him and asked him not to go anywhere with her anymore. There was an argument that pretty much was him saying I was crazy and jealous. We had an 8 month old baby at the time. I ended up telling her how I felt about it and the friendship between us ended. My husband continued the friendship with her boyfriend. Eighteen months later my husband and I were having trouble and he went to stay at their house for a while while we worked out our problems. After about 3 months there, he comes to my house in the early morning hours to tell me that my car was in an accident and was totalled. The kicker, She was driving. She was working a night shift at a local convenience store and, under the pretense of taking her to work, they had left together. The boyfriend got suspicious because she didnt show up for work and went to look for them. When he found her and my husband, he got into my car with her and my husband was in the boyfriend’s vehicle. They were hit head on by a drunk driver. She had to be cut out of my car with the Jaws of Life. They both survived but she had severe injuries. When she got out of the hospital and recovered enough to walk she was back on the chase after my husband. I eventually left him and moved away from that area. I have forgiven him and her but I will never forget. I think back to that day and I wonder if he acted on it then and the wreck wasnt the beginning like he told me but only the beginning of my knowledge of it.

    • FROM a wife who has had things hidden from her, if his reaction is anger something was already going on when you tried to discuss this.

  72. I totally understand your frustration. I would not be happy either. That friend who divulged the crush would definitely not be considered as close a friend any longer. That friend was being disrespectful to you, her friend’s spouse. Especially her being a married woman, she should know better. If any of my friends showed interest in a married man, I would whole-heatedly discourage those feelings and tell her to pray hard about them. It sounds to me like that’s what needs to happen with this lady. Prayer. Thinking someone is attractive is one thing, but saying you have an attraction to them is a whole different ball game. I agree that the friend more than likely knew she was emailing your husband about her “crush”. It was probably started in some immature conversation I remember having with my friends in HIGH SCHOOL, about how “you think so-and-so is sorta cute and I wonder if he likes me too”. Then they go on and tease each other about how they’re going to tell so-and-so and see what he says, but “don’t tell him I know you’re telling him! If he says no I’ll tell him it was just a joke and I didn’t know you were telling him!” Yeah. Childish. She needs to go to church and find Jesus and He will guide her to a man who is AVAILABLE and MATURE. I pray she does and I pray your marriage will continue to withstand any outside influences the devil throws your way!

  73. I see it the same way as you! I don’t know what had happened to the women of today, but many have lost their class and respect for other women. It’s a sad thing when that is what you seen to have to worry about!

  74. I have actually had this issue and my husband did the same. It’s not ok.. not at all… but do remember that it’s also important to forgive but learn from what happened… I would definitely tell this girl that she is inappropriate… and keep a close eye on her..But Also Forgive her… As We have had our sins forgiven.

    • Thank you Britt. You are completely correct and I have had to seek God’s guidance in finding forgiveness for this situation. It bothered me to a great deal but I have reached a place where I can forgive and move on. It occurred weeks before I wrote this post and my heart has healed.

  75. This is completely innapropriate on so many levels. I completely disagree with those saying you overreacted. First, there is a MAJOR difference in making a casual comment to a coworker or friend that their husband is cute. The comment is to the wife, not the husband, and it is more of a compliment to the wife than anything. Second, the fact that he was sought out in a private email confirms that the intentions were there, especially because the crusher emailed him after the friend did. Third, the whole thing reminds me of a high school scenario. You had every right to be upset. It is great that your husband showed you and handled it the way he did. That does not mean that your feelings should have disappeared. A friend if mine often says, God is not going to bless a woman with another woman’s man. 🙂

  76. One woman cannot “take” another woman’s husband. If he, or even the wife, is inclined to cheat or leave, that person will do so no matter what. Simple as that. Keep yourself looking good, be a “good partner”, whatever, if they are going to cheat there is nothing you can do to stop it, and it is not your fault.

    • I agree with you. No one can ever “take” my husband from me because if he ever did leave, or cheat, it would be on him for ultimately making that decision. What I don’t like is someone putting the temptation out there to deliberately offer to lead him astray. I’d rather people respect our marriage and not entice a married man.

  77. I know several women who have a crush on my husband, most I’m close friends with. It doesn’t bother me in the least.

    • We all share different perspectives and I’m glad that you are comfortable with these expressions from your friends. What is most important is that you are not bothered by it but that if you ever WERE bothered by it that your friends would respect your feelings, and your boundaries, and stop.

      • I have had strange women make passes at my husband, and in front of me no less and that is where is crosses the line with me. Fortunately, my husband handles it like the gentleman he is. BTW, I think that person crossed the line. She was fishing to see if your husband was open to an affair. Nice article.

  78. I completely agree with you. Having a crush on someone’s husband may be innocent enough, but telling them you have a crush on them or doing so by way of a friend, shows intent. If there was no intent to pursue him then why tell him in the first place? I am getting married next year and women often tell me how handsome, nice, funny, etc my fiance is and it is flattering, to a certain point. For those who say she is overreacting, I don’t think it is overreacting unless she takes it out on her husband who is seemingly innocent in the situation or makes a big fuss with the friend. I think this is something that needed to be said as I know it is something I am uncomfortable with but have never expressed.

    • Thank you for your kindness. My husband and I are very strong and never argued about this. When I expressed my feelings he understood saying he would feel the same if the roles were reversed. As for the friend who disclosed the crush she was told that we wished it had been kept private as no good could come from sharing those feelings. She agreed, and apologized, and everyone moved on. Having someone pay a compliment (e.g. “Your husband is so handsome!”) is a kind compliment whereas something like “I have SUCH a crush on your husband! I’d hook up with him in a second if I could.” is an entirely different matter.

      Express your feelings…make them known…stand up for yourself and your marriage.

    • Little Lion, I would respond in much the same way. So long as someone is in a relationship it is inappropriate to express feelings toward another person. If this man is interested in someone outside of his fiancee then he should end that engagement prior to making other feelings known. Imagine how his fiancee would feel if she knew the man she was planning to marry was expressing feelings for someone else.

  79. I learned this the hard way from the “other woman” perspective when I was in my 20’s. I worked in a video store, and we had a very friendly (but not flirtatious), handsome customer who used to come in with his girlfriend. We all became friendly over their many visits to the store, and he was so open and cute I’d hug him when he came in. I wasn’t trying to start anything, in retrospect I think i was just young and stupid, and didn’t get a lot of hugs because I lived far from my huggy family. One day his girlfriend said sweetly and a little uncomfortably to me, “please don’t hug my boyfriend.” And it was like a big lightbulb came on. I had stupidly never really thought about how my actions were making her feel. I was mortified that I had been causing her anxiety without thinking. I’m so glad she spoke up, and it changed me. I thank her for that life lesson.

    • Thank you for sharing that perspective. I actually have no problem with hugs but I think that’s because I’m a huggy person myself. I hug family & friends and I comfort people by putting my arms around them or hugging them. I doubt it would have bothered me but had you hugged him and said, “You know, I have SUCH a crush on you!” it would have bothered me. I guess maybe I’m bothered more by words than by actions. It is good though that you were able to respond respectfully to her wishes and that you were able to see from her perspective. It doesn’t sound like there was any major conflict or rudeness involved and it’s opened your eyes to others’ feelings. Great lesson in there.

  80. I totally understand. Although in my situation, it’s slightly different. A couple of days ago, I found out that my boyfriend’s ex sent him a very personal email last June (June 2013). The time of her email was just 2 weeks after we started dating, and it was a couple of days after he first visited me since be became official. In her email, she said that she was surprised when finding out he is seeing someone. Surprised because they just broke up 6 months ago, and surprised because he didn’t tell her about it, despite their promise of telling the other as soon as one of them starts dating. She went on to give us her blessings, saying “I wish God would be with you guys because I know how difficult it would be.” Then, she concluded her email with “I loved you then, and I still love you.” My first reaction? I was stunned. I could understand why my boyfriend kept it from me: being sensitive for my feelings, and he probably still deeply cared for her at the time. But who does that? Sending an email to your ex right after finding out he/she is happy with someone else. I have to say that my tolerance for her has decreased day by day. From what I gathered, she was the one that broke it off with him, then started talking to him again after a month or two, then resisted getting back together when he wished to do so, then started checking up on him while insisted staying friends. She didn’t want to get back together with him, yet regularly contacted him, checked up on him, and wished him well, knowing he was not over her one bit. Then right when we started dating, she said that her love for him hasn’t changed. What was she trying to accomplish? Was she hoping that he would break it off with me? If so, would she ever get back with him? Or was she hoping that he would still love her and think of her while being my boyfriend? Then 2 weeks after that email, she hacked his Facebook and sent him another email. This time, she asked for sole authorization of their mutual Youtube account. In this email, she also apologized for accidentally signed in to his Facebook, stating the reason she didn’t know Facebook and Youtube are linked. WELL, THEY ARE NOT LINKED. Moreover, she apologized for seeing me, the girlfriend, and ended up wishing us well. She kept emailing him every couple of months, just to update her life, or even sent him collages of her photos, telling him she is still very happy and well. Yes, she never forgot to mention me in every email, telling him that he should treat me well, and saying sorry for not being good enough for him. The list of her emails went on.

    To be honest, I do not understand what she was trying to accomplish. What did she want? When I confronted her, she was slightly annoyed. She said that what was exchanged between him and her were supposed to be private. She also told me that she didn’t think they were communicating in the way that I was implying. And she concluded her response to me by saying “if you love him sincerely enough, he will always come back to you wherever he goes.”

    The thing is, I confronted her in November 2013. She started dating a new guy in December, and got engaged to him in March 2014 BEFORE meeting him in person. He lives in America, she lives in Vietnam. And he came back to Vietnam to meet her for the first time and to do the engagement.

    She is a Christian. More special than that, she is a pretty popular Christian singer in Vietnam. Most of my friends know her, and like her. I would have liked her had we not been in this situation. But until today, I still cannot respect her the way that I should or in the way that I want to. I really do want to respect her and be civil, but the more I find out about her, the harder it is for me to tolerate and sympathize with her actions.

    I just pray to God that this jealousy and anger towards her will not take the best of me, and that God would constantly remind me of other good things and blessings in my life. I hope He will do the same for you and your family!

    • Thank you for sharing your story with me. That must have been very difficult to handle especially with the repeated messages and photos. It sounds like she wasn’t ready for a full relationship with him but wanted to keep him “on the hook” in case she changed her mind. Perhaps not, but that’s the feeling I get while reading your story. I am glad that you are seeking God about your jealousy and your anger. I have had to do the same and I did finally reach a point in the last few days where I have been able to forgive and release my anger towards her. I hope that you are able to do the same.

  81. First off Ashley SPOT ON !!

    After reading most of the posts , it is obvious that some of them are NOT from a Christ like godly perspective; even if they claim to be. Just because Ashley has a problem with another woman having what some man consider a “harmless” crush on her husband, does NOT mean that she is insecure in her marriage or just jealous. It simply shows that she knows what is RIGHT according to The Word of God, and that she is willing to fight for what is hers, and that she is not ashamed to stand up and say so !! Ashley…YOU GO GIRL !!!

    • Thank you Teresa! I believe that many who have responded misunderstood the situation. They seem to believe that either I discovered my husband was involved in a flirtatious and inappropriate relationship or that there was an affair and neither was the case. It was never really a problem with the crush itself but rather with the reveal of having a crush. I do not understand the need to publicly admit the feelings for a married man.

  82. Oh how horrible! This must have been aweful to go through :(. Thankfully, you and your husband are open with one another and it never got to be a wedge between you. Even if he never responded I can only imagine coming across such an email being unaware…that alone could have done harm.
    I don’t know you and I would have responded with less grace I am sure! But in reading this I can almost feel your anger. I am not sure if you have confronted the person directly but I think it would be for the best if you did. I would hate to see Satan use this to make you sin by holding on to anger.

    • Hello Mrs. A. Admittedly I was angry when I wrote this post and if I had predicted how much attention it would receive I would have handled it with greater care and sensitivity. I am sure that my anger and frustration bled through. I did not confront the person directly as I allowed my husband to respond and stop it from proceeding. It was important to us that he shut her down rather than it appearing as though it was only stopping because of my meddling. As I mentioned it occurred weeks before I wrote this post and that was almost two weeks ago as well so it’s been about a month. I have sought God in prayer and I have found forgiveness with her and I am at peace with the situation now.

      Thank you for your concern for my heart and soul. You are truly kind.

  83. Amen!!!!! One of my “friends” touched my husbands butt. NOT OK!!! And our friendship hasn’t been the same since.

  84. My boyfriends ex had all of her friends add/follow me on all of my social media sites after she found out we were together, and would text him any time I posted a picture of us. She even went as far as to message his little brother on Facebook to get his number after he changed it, telling him it was an emergency, so he would give it to her and she called my boyfriend crying saying that he’s the only one that could help her, then she texted him and asked if he would come to talk to her for a little bit, and when he said no because he’s in a serious relationship she got mad and said that just showed her he never cared about her and to block her number, but continued to text him periodically and tweet things like “what’s meant to be will always be.” He always tells me when she texts or calls him, and completely ignores her when she does, but it’s very aggravating that she doesn’t respect that he’s in a serious relationship now. Especially when she has a baby by another man, and is still living with him!

    • I’ve had a looney toon like that too. The ex-girlfriend always hated me ( even though I had never actually met her). She would stop by his mom’s house while we were dating. After we were married, she was hanging around with his cousins, who gave her his phone number. He came in to my work that night and told me she had text messaged him and he went straight to have his number changed. I was like really girl? If he wanted you he could have had you. Accept reality!

      • They are crazy! It doesn’t matter how many times he tells her to leave him alone, or how often he ignores her, she just won’t drop it! One good thing is that none of his family likes her, so it’s hard for her to get any information from them, but to message his little brother and say it’s an emergency is really pushing it. I thought she had finally given up until she texted him again last night, and if she does it again I won’t hesitate to say something to her myself since she doesn’t want to seem to care when he tells her! Some girls have no class.

  85. I had a friend that told me “that if it wasn’t for me being around”, she would be with the guy I liked (that became my husband).. our friendship was never the same and we eventually stopped talking because of the way she acted and flirted with my husband every time she was around!!! Having a crush on a married person is not OK!!!

  86. I absolutely love this. However, I would like to point out, that someone can not be “godly” and still have the moral sense to NOT do something like this. Just because I’m not Christian doesn’t mean I’m going to go after any man other than my husband. (Nor would I tolerate any “crush” on mine.) Just my two cents.

  87. I just think it’s very disrespectful to you, your husband, and your marriage of your “friend” to inform your husband of the crush. If anything I would tell you if the person with the crush was making other inappropriate comments about your husband. I don’t see how some people think you are insecure by defending and protecting your marriage. Such silly talk. I will defend what is mine fiercely. Marriages take a lot of work and your spouse is important to you, so why is it “wrong” for you to be upset when someone tries to destroy what you have worked so hard for and care so much about? I’ve seen people who do nothing about a situation like this because they don’t want conflict, and then the person with the crush takes it to the next level with no encouragement. I know I wouldn’t appreciate anyone telling my husband that they have a crush on him or even that he is good looking.

  88. I agree that it’s not ok and you have every right to be upset! I think it’s awesome that you and your husband have such a. Strong foundation. My only other thought is that you forgive her. I’m not saying be her friend or that your husband spend time with her just that forgiveness is also a big part of God’s love.

  89. If anyone thinks that this was “harmless” then let me tell you, it’s NOT!
    My husband of 25 yrs flew home for a family wedding, I couldn’t attend because we couldn’t afford the airline tickets for both of us, but he went with my blessing…I even purchased his tickets and extended his trip by two days, just so he could spend more time with his family.
    At the wedding he was re-introduced to a former girlfriend, who was best friends with his cousin, and a few days after returning home his cousin sent him a text, telling him that “Lisa” wanted to know if she could have his number so she could text him…my husband foolishly said, “Yes.”
    And that started a 4 1/2 month emotional affair that only ended when I discovered it via Facebook.
    It’s been 4 yrs now, and my marriage is in serious trouble. I have forgiven my husband, but he has never shown true repentance, and to this day calms up and refuses to discuss the affair, “because it’s in the past” and we need to move on.
    The trust I had in him was destroyed, and I can tell you with all honesty…that once trust is gone in a marriage, it’s very difficult to find it again.
    And BTW, You can bet your last dollar that these two “friends” were working together, and if your husband had not been a man of loyalty and integrity, this could have turned into something very damaging to your marriage.

  90. I can’t begin to express how glad I am that you made this public. I unfortunately was 21 when my father and a friend of my mothers actually broke up our home after my parents had been married for 25 years. Both parties were married but destroyed that trust. It affected 5 children, but they didn’t care about that!! It caused me to have severe trust issues with people around me. It almost succeeded in breaking up my own relationship leaving my child with an unhappy home as well. It took a long time to ever trust my husband again and I still don’t trust people. It is a shame that others don’t think or care about who they hurt. We live in a society of entitlement with few morals. Unfortunately the people that cause all the hurt rarely see any consequences of their actions. There are plenty of single people out there maybe they should focus their efforts on that! Also, shame on the friend that condones and encourages that behavior. I would NEVER email a married man for any friend because if they will break up a home, then what’s to say they wouldn’t do the same thing to me!!! I am sorry this happened to you. Tell your husband what an outstanding man he is for sharing it and discussing it with you, most would not have for fear of an argument. I know I am trying my hardest to show my boys what marriage should be like.

    • Almost the same exact thing happened with my parents! The lady wasn’t married, but my dad and my mom had been married for 24 years. Crazy how people don’t think about the extreme hurt it causes others. I’m not married either, but I have HUGE trust issues now, and don’t have any interest in marriage, like I did before

  91. I found this article on the page of the girl who exchanged nude photos with my husband. A “mutual friend.” I’d laugh if it wasn’t so pathetically obvious it was posted because she feels guilty.

    • Oh!! My…I am not sure how I would respond to such a thing. That is behavior that would warrant a whole new post / thoughts / feelings. I just can’t even imagine…

  92. Those who commit adultery and ruin families and marriages should be stoned. I am so tired of this culture of whatever makes you happy is OK. This garbage is not OK. Time to get rid of no-fault divorce and start punishing those people who break up marriages. 90% of the time, there is plenty of fault in a divorce and it’s mostly from adultery. Shun your friends who are in adulterous activity. Avoid cheaters. Don’t endorse the behavior and maybe people would start thinking twice about cheating. Remember, those who cheat on their spouse will in some way cheat on you, their business associates and family. Never trust a cheater.

    • Hi Bob! I appreciate your passion but I wouldn’t go so far as to say those who commit adultery should be stoned. We live under the Grace of God and everyone, including the cheaters, deserves forgiveness. There will be no stoning.

  93. Thank you for sharing this. It was like I was reading our on story. My husband and others tend to say that I am just over jealous however, I feel like you do. The same thing happened to us, a fellow coworker of my husbands decided that she would send him text messages as just friends. After looking at her Twitter, I noticed she was having relationship problems of her on and was very unhappy with her boyfriend. When my husband received the text from her, he confronted her at work and told her to never text him again that it was not ok. Her reponse, “I didnt threaten to kill you so I dont understand what the issue is”. I tried to chalk it up to she is young and dumb. But truly, it was a total level of disrespect. You may ask how she got his number…. Their numbers are on an emergency contact list at work that each person has access too. My husband persued it with his boss that he felt her actions were out of line and that he was a married man. His boss called her in and spoke with her. Its now been 5 months and according to my husband, she hasnt spoken since. This truly has caused me though to constantly question my husband, ask if she spoke today, if she emailed him at work. It really has caused me to not trust him fully. I cant explain why I feel this way. I wish it would have never happened. He was honest with me and came to me the day it happened and showed me the text. The text was really nothing harmful but it was her response that caught my attention. She sent him a link to some stupid story. He ask who this is. Her response was “Really?”… Why would this girl feel my husband should know her number. I wish you would write a blog on how to get past this issue once it happens. Every day for the last 5 months, I have wanted to go to his job and ask her why she felt it was ok to text my husband and why her response was Really……

    • Hello T.L. I’ll do that. I’ll write that post for you. It may be a few days, or the early part of next week, but for you I’ll share how I moved on. <3 For now, please try to express, to your husband, how grateful you are for his honesty and his protection of your marriage. Rather than asking him if she called or e-mailed or spoke tell him that you are trying to move beyond how hurt and disrespected you felt when she was reaching out to him and that you appreciate him being so honest with you when it first occurred. This will help you focus on the positive feelings between you and your husband rather than doubt him. From what you shared he responded appropriately so please express that to him. Express how much you value his honesty. Encourage that continued openness between you.

      • Thank you so much! I should add to the story too that six months prior at an office party, he did not introduce me to this girl or two others at his job. That is so not like him because he is always on point with introductions. After the eating, I asked him why he didnt introduce me, he stated that those people were not important to him so he did not feel the need. Six months later, she text him and here we are now. Oh and yes, this was the only text, I checked all phone records for months prior. I look forward to reading your post, as you can tell from my writting, I need it.. My personal struggle is so deep rooted. My prior husband and I were together 7 years. I found out he had a girlfriend the entire time. Seems all of our friends then knew it as well. I was the only one that missed the signs. I never want to miss the signs again. My husband now is wonderful, a total God Send. When this incidnet happened, I went into a total panic. It was as if it was a sign I could be missing. I started wondering had he talked to her as just a co-worker and she took it the wrong way. Her response to him asking who it was really throughs me for a loop. Of course, I should know that these type of women do not need a reason or a method, they just do what they do. This literally dominates my mind daily. I wonder while he is at work if she is speaking, smiling, emailing. I pray and pray to be able to let it go. The last thing I want is for my husband to quit sharing things with me when they happen. He knows about my prior husband and all the cheating issues. My husband now is so good with me, he goes over the top trying to assure me that he is doing right. Its as if Im a wounded animal in spirit that he is trying to help through this. I am a former police officer so I automatically see bad in people and consider everything suspect so I feel this doesnt help matters either. I am trul y crying out for help.. I do not need this little girl causing problems with my marriage.

        • Why are you tormenting someone innocent over your own issues? She sent a friendly text. There is no reason for any rational person to believe that means anything at all. I’m legitimately afraid of people like you.

          • Please get off of my post… Your comments are not welcome. You do not know the whole story, there was proof of her true intentions as were displayed on FB. So if your sole desire in life is to attack people on blogs that are seeking advice from Ashley then you need to get a life or be removed from the blog. .

    • She sends a friendly text and he confronts her at work and then tries to discredit her, and you ask about it daily half a year later and yet you admit it was nothing harmful? The poor girl was just being friendly with a coworker and the two of you seem to be on a campaign to ruin her life.

      • Unwelcome text to a married man are not appropriate. If you think they are, then you are no different then this girl. Get a life and get off of my post to Ashley.

  94. This is how my 1st marriage broke down. A female “friend” of my ex-husband’s (one we both tried to help find a place to live @ one point) text him about a friend of her’s that saw him somewhere & thought he was “sexy”. My ex didn’t show me the message & had no problem w/ getting the girl’s # & starting a relationship with her. Our children were 4 & 2 @ the time & he actually left our daughter’s 4th birthday party early 2 be with that woman. Even after this I tried counseling to hold my marriage together but my ex wouldn’t keep going w/ me & I realized I couldn’t trust him anymore & that he really didn’t care.
    I found out later that the girl who hooked my ex up with the “other woman” was also seeing seeing a married man. So apparently neither one of them cared that they were destroying families.
    I have now been divorced for 4 years & my youngest child still wants us 2 get back together. However, we have both remarried & he still hasn’t changed. He has a step child & new baby w/ his new wife. My husband & I have adopted a child & hope for more.
    My life now is beyond Blessed. My husband & I teach children’s classes on Wed & Sun nights @ church & we do the sound system during both Sunday services. I made a LOT of bad choices in my life but God has got me where He wants me now. My husband & I teach our kids that wherever God leads them, we will support them!

    • Mrs. Perry, the beginning of your message is heartbreaking but the ending is so beautiful. It sounds like you have been on quite an emotional journey but God has led you to a wonderful life with a loving husband and children. How blessed are you?! This makes me think of my favorite verse, “God is within her, she will not fall” – Psalms 46:5. It fits you.

  95. Well my husband thinks it is ok to talk to other women on social media and I for a fact have gone through his phone and found text messages from women and he jas the nerve to say that why cant he have female friends, I am sorry but that is not ok, that always leads to something else and if he wants to destroy what we worked for years and leave 2 along with another one on the way then by all means go, but remember the doors will no longer be open for you, to me I say its so disrespectful and so trashy what some women will go through to have what does not belong to them, trust me there are plenty of men but why go for a married man is something that I will never fully understand

    • Susi, I’m sorry that your husband has behaved this way and exhibited a disregard for your feelings on this matter. Try to speak to him, out of love not anger, and express your feelings. Try to find a compromise. Can we have female friends but no private messages? Can he private message but you have access to accounts and passwords? Find what works for you and something you’re both comfortable with. It’s not about control, it’s about compromise and respect for one another. I’m fine with female friends (and I have male friends) but there is no private communication. It goes both ways in our marriage and it works for us.

      • Hi Ashley, yes I have talked to him before about this issue and he assured me it is harmless and well I left it at that, but it goes on that he still does the same thing, he has just been very sneaky about it this time. I have blamed myself because I felt like I did not do enough and well again I have talked to him about this but I feel like he will never change his way, I pray that one day he will change the way he thinks. I have asked him to join me in going to church and getting some counseling, I for sure do not want to have my family destroyed because of this.

  96. I agree with you 100% I had a friend tell my husband (a friend in highschool at the time), that I had a crush on him. I didn’t know he felt the same way and well its almost 10 years later we are happily married and have.2 beautiful children. I know when I had her tell him about my crush I wanted a relationship with him.. But we played it ad I didn’t know she was doing it 😉 so I know from experience she wasn’t being harmless. Glad you took a stand.( And yes my husband was single when all this happened)

    • Amanda, I’m so glad you added the “and yes my husband was single when all this happened” because for a brief moment I was worried you were sharing a story about breaking up his relationship. 🙁 I would have had mixed feelings – happiness that it worked out for you two and you find joy together but sadness for the woman who had her heart broken.

      What made me smile the most about this was when you said “…high school at the time” as that is exactly what her behavior made me think of. High school. Testing the waters.

  97. The fact that she revealed herself by supposedly apologizing to your husband was just another way of saying hey I’m still interested and since you now know who I am you might be more tempted to hook up with me. It’s just another way of putting the bait out there. 😛

    • I agree Mindy and I wish I could say that was the one and only e-mail she sent but it was not. There were others that followed before she finally disappeared. It was disheartening but the situation has been fully resolved.

  98. I find it disheartening that everyone is having to refer to people as “a good Christian woman” etc. Why can’t they just be good people? I know plenty of people who are not Christian who would never step foot in another person’s marriage. The world would be a better place if everyone started referring to others as good people, not just your biased view on what makes someone worthy.

    • I agree LovePeople. It is my perception that people have commented with “a good Christian woman” because my own faith is so apparent and they are relating to me. At least, that is my hope. I would never want anyone to get the perception that I believe someone must be Christian in order to be good. That is certainly not the case. There are good people of all (and no) religious beliefs, all ethnicities, all locations, all sexualities, etc. I’m sorry if you received any kind of negative perception from this post or the feedback. It is far better to love and accept people for being people. Their beliefs, etc, are just an extension of who they are and definitely not a required prerequisite to being good or deserving love.

      • Thank you for your kind response. I am happy that you and your husband handled this responsibly and it really shows how trusting you both are. I for one, have been in this situation also and had the same outcome. It is a natural response to this situation, and she definitely crossed the line by telling your husband.

  99. My divorce will be final on Monday, ending a 22 year marriage. My husband not only had a relationship with another woman, but she goes to our church and they go on a “mission” trip together each year. The worst part is I am left carrying the burden of their secrets. 2 families destroyed.

    • Hello “Picking up…” and please forgive me for my intrusion here but why are you left carrying the burden of their secrets? There is no responsibility on you to carry the burden of others who violated your trust and broke down your marriage. While I wouldn’t actively go out and spread the world I would also not force myself to lie about or deny the occurrence either. We must all face our sins and accept our mistakes. Do not let their mistakes be your burden.

  100. I completely agree with this woman…I just wish she could change one line. She said she COULD forgive her if she hadn’t known that he was married. As Christians we are called to forgive even the most sinister actions- I hope she can still forgive this woman. That being said, she’s spot on! It’s NOT ok what the woman did and she should separate herself and her husband from her!

    • Hello Liz. Thank you for speaking your heart and for that gentle reminder. That is feedback I have heard regularly since sharing this post and it is something I had to pursue. I just realized that the publish dates do not appear in my posts but this was written almost two weeks ago. Since then I have been able to forgive this woman and my heart has softened. At the time I was writing and speaking from a place of anger when I should have sought forgiveness before ever publishing this post.

  101. I had the same situation, but this was done to my face ‘in jest’ and in CHURCH no less. Who does that?? The so called friend, told me that her friend {right in front of her} missed her husband so much {her good, faithful husband was away in the military}, and that she had a huge crush on my husband. I went home and told my husband, and he could obviously see the disdain in my face, and although I had no worries, he let me know he would be avoiding her. Could I see why she had a crush on my husband? Of course! He’s a man of honor, loving, patient and protective. Could he possibly be tempted? Of course! When those words are openly spoken {my friend has a crush on your husband, or you flat out say it to the person yourself} you are HOPING that something will come out of it. YOU need to take a second look at yourself, because you’ve just incredibly demoralized yourself, and you will find it very difficult to find the man of your dreams, when you’re off dreaming of someone else’s man.

    • Lisa, how bold that woman was to not only share feelings but to do it in church and in front of you! I would have been very upset. I am glad that your husband so readily accepted your feelings and took the necessary steps to avoid the temptation of the situation. That speaks very highly for the two of you and the strength and commitment of your marriage.

  102. Before my husband and I were married, women at his job would tell him or others that they liked him. All of this while knowing who I was and that hr was going to propose. Also happened while we were engaged. It’s not okay, and I would be extremely upset. My husband tells me everything, and it is honorable your husband told you. Pray that the women who emailed finds the Lord.

    • Thank you Cie’ra. I wish that people (men & women) could understand that they need to respect a relationship. It’s simply not ok to put yourself out there and attempt to pursue someone who is already committed. I am glad that you and your husband are so open with each other. Your advice about praying for her has been common in the feedback I have received and I have been doing so. It was a challenge at first but it gets easier every day.

  103. I am living proof that this can and WILL destroy your family. I had a friend – I considered a “best” friend who blatantly and yet playfully told me what a crush she had on my husband. This went on for years, she was friendly with my children and was even present at my oldest daughter’s graduation party. SHe chose this evening to follow him around as he picked up and returned glassware etc…to the kitchen kidding about the two of them doing “all the work” while I sat socializing …..planting seeds…..then of course as those seeds of resentment and deviceivness grew – who was there to just swoop right in “BE THERE” for him?!? We have been divorced three years now – my 25 year marriage. Blown to bits. No husband, no children, no home – no family. And of COURSE their relationship lasted about a mint and a half. But if I knew then what I know now….

    • I’m so sorry Michele! That reminds me of another agreement between my husband and I; an agreement to never allow anyone to speak negatively about the other without speaking up. There have been times that my husband stood up for me and then, later, in private, we discussed what had happened and he shared that he did disagree with me but there was no need for a public argument. We settle the matter privately. If we then later have a different stance on something, well, people can change their minds! It’s the same about someone being critical (you socializing while they do all the work). Our agreement is to defend, defend and discuss later. Have a conversation that, “When I was cleaning up and you didn’t help I felt…” this keeps your communication open and the negativity of others at bay.

      I hope and pray that you find a new happiness and a new love in this new chapter of your life. I’m sure the hurt and betrayal is still very real but I hope that you embrace the new opportunities in you life.

      • My wife and I have this agreement as well. I will stand behind her all day when she says the sky is green, but when we get home will tell her I disagree. Although generally it is me who is wrong…

  104. It just occurred to me that we feel the right to protect our children from bullies, from physical dangers, from pedophiles and don’t apologize for it. Why shouldn’t we feel the need to defend our marriage from dangers as well? We also feel we have the right to our physical property. I’ve read stories of people who had their home invaded or other possessions and they rightfully are furious, are incensed, and want justice. No one tells them it’s harmless, get over it! Defend your marriage be you man or woman.

    • Hello Octavia! I share your feelings. There should be no need to apologize for speaking up or defending any part of your life whether it be your children, your marriage, your faith, your property, etc. It is important that we feel confident in expressing our opinions and speaking up for ourselves.

    • And you would know this because you are a licensed psychologist and have treated her?

      If not, then your thoughts are probably incorrect and just go to further how terrible our society is about mental illness.

  105. If your happily married there is no leading someone astray this woman’s husband is clearly devoted he told her right away and though he was flattered had no interest in pursuing this so why freak out. Yes it’s disrespectful and I would never condone cheating as I think it’s a horrible thing but to get worked up enough to blog it means somewhere in your mind your insecure and concern of how this effects you smh if you know you got your man you have no worries

    • I would completely disagree. First, she is bringing awareness to an action that apparently seems to be happening more than it should by the looks of the responses below. Second, it does not mean that she is insecure, it could just mean she wanted to vent about some succubus that attempted to threaten her relationship. Finally, people blog about everything so that is a worthless argument.

    • Insecurity lies with the women that seek and/or aid other women to attain a “man” on behalf of sin. Its quite the opposite as you state pananthejazzy. God’s will is live a clean life spreading the Word, there is no way these jezebels are living that life. The writer of this article is just letting other women know that this ill behavior exists in both ‘godly’ and ‘worldly’ people.

  106. Amen sister!! That is wrong on so many levels >> It happened to me and the pain was unbareable fo r years but I have moved on and survived the marriage didnt she was to persistent and he was weak and untrustworthy in the end . But I am a happy survivor now and better off without both of them in my life .

  107. I agree with mostly everything this post says but the title is a bit misleading. Having a crush on my husband is totally ok. It happens and there is nothing anyone can do about it. its a natural part of being human. Its the doing something about it thats not ok. I’m glad I clicked on it to read it, but my first thought was this is just a jealous woman being insecure.

    • Hi Christine. I debated for hours about a title for this post. It would be more fitting to have titled it something like, “Why Telling My Husband You Have Feelings For Him Is Not Ok” but that is far too long especially for the set-up of my blog here. I settled on this title but I’m sorry if you felt it misleading. I agree with you that it’s the doing something that is not ok. My question is, do you feel that expressing that crush is doing something or are you referring solely to a physical action?

  108. I have been dating my boyfriend for about two years now – and we are very happy! We have talked about getting married next year. He told me recently that his ex girlfriend (they dated for a few years) called him and she was very upset about a recent break up. She reached out to him for emotional support – and that deeply bothers me. (they got back together the very next day – so I feel like it was just an excuse to talk to my boyfriend.) I am not the type of girl who freaks out over occasional contact with an ex as long as it is friendly and on the surface. I feel that emotional support should be reserved for me and for his family members. I just don’t think it is appropriate for her to call him looking for a shoulder to lean on. I know that if I talk to him about it he will keep it from happening again. How should I tell him that it bothers me? How do you feel about people being friends with the ex (if no kids are involved)?

    • ive been in a similar situation and it also bothered me quite a bit. i know some people are ok with their partners ex’s and even try to be friends with them, but imho it can create more harm than good. past is the past, no need to drag it back into present, no matter how good it used to be, and keeping some kind of emotional bond with the ex seems really wrong to me.. my bf’s ex was in a bad state, being an addict, she kept asking for financial help and moral support, which he would not refuse – and i was worried sick, since she was the one dumping him, also not THAT long time ago. and in a way i felt sorry for her but ive decided that me and my feelings are the priority. i think the most important and wise thing to do is avoid any scandals and reproaching, but instead try to talk to him calmly and sincerely, and just explain that the current situation makes you feel upset, vulnerable and insecure, and you would appreciate it very much if he did something about it. it worked for me, and eventually she understood that she is not welcome and she just moved on.. i hope you too will figure it out, good luck.

    • I could completely understand that she is looking for a shoulder to lean on, however your boyfriend should not be this shoulder. She is an ex for a reason. Many women cannot be trusted. I cannot say that I would be okay with my boyfriend talking to his ex because in some cases, but certainly not all, exes cause drama. They think “well I couldn’t have him so no one can”. (My bf’s ex actually told me that) You may know why they ended things so that is always a factor to look at. Tell him it bothers you. Ask him if he would be comfortable if tails were turned? Otherwise you will probably let it bother you until you explode and it’s all downhill from there! Good luck!

    • I would absolutely tell him that it bothers me. Their relationship ended and thus he is not the shoulder for her to be turning to every time something in her life goes wrong or she is suffering hurt feelings. While I would never ask that he be mean to her he should also make it known that he is unable to be her emotional support. I would simply tell him that it makes you feel uncomfortable that she is reaching out to him expecting him to be a shoulder for her to cry on. Let him know that while you respect that they once had a relationship it’s important for you to know that her connection to him is in the past. Hopefully he will respect that. As for being friends with the ex, neither my husband nor I are friends with our ex’s. It is important for us to keep those doors closed and in the past. That is something that each couple has to settle for themselves as everyone’s comfort level is different.

  109. People are not property! You do not “have” your husband and he cannot be “stolen”. He made a commitment to you, and he upheld it. To imply that he is something that can be taken away from you denies his agency in his own life, and it’s demeaning. You have proof that your marriage is secure from the threat of infidelity. Not everyone shares your morals, your faith, your ideals, or your thoughts on marriage and family. Luckily, you married someone who does share those with you. The rest of the world does not have to conform. You are free to think whatever you want, but I think it’s incredibly damaging the way we talk about our spouses as if they’re our favorite item and someone might steal or tarnish them. If he had encouraged the woman with a crush, it wouldn’t be her fault that your husband decided to take her up on it — he is a full human being with the ability to make his own decisions (as evidenced by his decision to decline her advances). That’s a scary fact in relationships, but accepting it is the only way to be truly secure in what you have and not view your spouse as a coveted object being assaulted from all sides.

    • Hi Hannah! You seem to have misunderstood because I did not refer to my husband as property nor did I address anything about him being “stolen.” I never referred to him as a favorite item or a coveted object. In fact, the problems I had with this woman’s expression of a crush is that I questioned the goal of her behavior, I had issues with how she was tempting him into immorality and I felt it was disrespectful.

      I, in fact, did not address anything about stealing a person I view as an object. I am sorry you seem to have misunderstood my post.

      • I agree with Hannah. Even though you never directly referred to your husband as an object or thing, your tone implied it. “What is wrong with you that you would try to willingly and knowingly lead a husband away from both his wife and his God?” as if she alone could do that. Only your husband can be led astray. If the shoe was on the other foot and you received an email from someone saying they had a crush on you, would you be tempted to cheat on your husband? If your relationship with him is as strong as you say it is, of course you wouldn’t. Your husband is his own person, and he can only be led astray if he wants to be. And maybe she didn’t have a goal. Maybe she just made a dumb mistake and felt stupid for doing it afterwards.

        • Hi Rachel, I can understand your perspective. I may not have communicated clearly but what upset me as her willingness to put him in that situation. We are talking only about fidelity here but I feel equally upset if someone tried to put my husband in a situation where he would have to face the temptation to steal. Even if he refused the opportunity immediately it was still presented and it is the presentation I have a problem with.

        • Rachel I agree with this point. what women don’t understand married or not a man going to be a man at the end of the day married or not and to be honest the so called “happily married” ones are the WORST ones. if u are not insecure as a woman or wife why feel “disrespected”? If you on your job as a woman and wife why are you worried about another woman ? crush or no crush.

          • Well, I wouldn’t go that far, Jazz. My point is instead of painting this girl to be a potential homewrecking harlot, I think it’s better to realize some people may not be as well developed morally as others. She probably is a little naïve and may have had a crush on your husband for a while (which is flattering for you too, I think – it’s nice to know other people think your significant other is attractive). Her intentions could have been bad, but they could have also been naïve and poorly thought out. It’s better to forgive and move on then resent the girl. Ashley, you said bless her soul if she’s not a Christian. Be a good Christian and forgive her. Unless you’ve spoken to her personally about the incident, you don’t know what her true intentions were, and it’s not very fair to pass judgment until you do.

          • Rachel, I agree that she is a little naive and that her actions were poorly thought out. This post was written about two weeks ago and a lot has transpired since then. She sent additional messages, far more inappropriate than what I wrote about here, but my husband and I have addressed her behavior with her and she has apologized. I have forgiven her and amends have been made. She is young and is going through a challenging time in her own life. I do agree that I let my emotions get the best me (I’ve always admitted that my temper is my greatest flaw).

      • I agree with Ashley. If you know that a man is married, why voice your crush, unless you have the wrong intentions? We all have our weak moments. We’re human. I love my husband dearly and I know he feels the same. But he IS human and may entertain the idea at a moment of weakness and I know he’d forever regret it. ut the damage would already be done. Why even tempt him? Respect marriage. It’s inappropriate to speak to a married man or woman in that manner. And I can say this because I am guilty of it. Before I married my husband, I did make such comments to married men. And my intentions weren’t innocent. So no, it is not ok to tell my husband that you have a crush on him.

    • The rest of the world doesn’t have to conform? That’s the problem here, the world won’t conform to the idea that a marriage should be sacred. That’s why there are so many broken families today. The world SHOULD conform. The family is SACRED. HANDS OFF!

    • Thank you! So far I read only the first 4 words.of your comment and i was thinking that the entire time I was reading this little article….

  110. Hi,I see that I have a similar situation and would like to get feedback from y’all. I have been with my fiance for eight years, lived together for five years. We have a one year old child. We lived in the Caribbean, I had to come to the US to complete my education. He didn’t want me to leave, but in the end he agreed. So it was been one year since we haven’t seen each other, needless to say he hasn’t met his son. Since that time, we have been in contact. Until recently, he found someone(another woman), he says he wants to be with his family, but he got lonely and did some stuff. He says he is no longer with that person, it was a 2-3 months thing. Now we are going to go for a short visit, for my son to meet his dad. He wants us to be a family,but I don’t know if I can trust him nor do I feel like I want to be with him. I feel betrayed. I didn’t find anyone else. He was the one that wanted to get married, i was the one that didn’t feel ready for marriage. We have had many joys and sorrows in our life. I still care for him, but am confused. What is your opinion?

    • Follow your gut! You know what you really want! If he cheated once I believe he will again but I’m not expert.

    • IRE, I believe you said it yourself when you said, “nor do I feel like I want to be with him” and “I was the one that didn’t feel ready for marriage.” Please don’t make this decision because you haven’t found someone else. The impression I’m getting from your comment is that you are not in love with this man but that you still care for him as the father of your son. You need to really search your heart. Are you in love with this man? In the year apart have you missed him? Ached for him? Dreamed of him? Have you, as a woman, felt love for this man as a potential husband or have you only thought of him as your son’s father? I feel like the answer is already in you. Good luck to you and I hope that you find happiness.

  111. Ashley, I agree.
    I want to share a short story. My husband and I worked together in an office. He is a smoker, and went out smoking with whomever wanted to accompany him. More often than not this girl asked him for a cigarette…It did not bother me…until she came to me and told me, “Are you his wife? I though you are his sister…” Let me tell you… English is only our common language with my husband, we are from 2 different country, he does not speak my language perfectly (not at all) , our skin is DIFFERENT… I mean.. just an idiot would think we are brother and sister.. And I will never understand how could she come to me with this silly explanation….
    But… there was no more smoking together for them.

    • Silly. I mean, why would someone interpret you as siblings if you looked and spoke so dramatically different? I understand there are families who pursue foreign adoptions, so it is possible, but it’s certainly not the first conclusion I would jump to. While that could have been entirely innocent it also could be perceived as her using the smoking as an excuse to be close to him.

  112. I mean, ultimately if your husband decided to be with her, it would be his fault. He’s either willing to cheat or he’s not, there’s no in-between, and “temptation” from another woman expressing a crush on him wouldn’t change that one way or the other.
    If I found out a girl had a crush on my husband, I’d be pissed for a few minutes, probably, but there’s really no need to overthink things to this extent.

    • True. If he decided to be with her the ultimate destruction of our family would be on him but that doesn’t mean that I can’t speak up when she puts the temptation and the offer out there for him.

  113. I am amazed at all the women who think going to married man to say they have a crush on them is ok.. I would be more careful around the “friend” who was the go between, she is certainly no friend of the wife.. Yes , people at some times are attracted to others who may be married.. the problem is when it goes out of their head and into their actions.. Why on earth would someone who really cares about a couple or considers them friends put something out there?? It is a very blatant flirting and fishing exposition..

    • You’re right Maudie, that is exactly the problem. When the crush/feelings go out of their head and into their actions. There is just no need for the expression of feelings when one of the people involved is married or in a relationship. Thank you for understanding.

  114. I agree that this woman clearly had less than honorable intentions with your husband. However, I don’t think that you need to respond as defensively as you did. You said yourself that your husband is a good man and would not violate your trust. That should be the end of the story. No need to let a woman who either does not respect herself (why would you want a man that you’d have to share) or is trying to prove something to herself (that she can “win” a man from someone) bother you to this extent.

    • Even if her husband is a good man and has the best of intentions — he is still just a man and he can be tempted and led astray. Been there and have the divorce to prove that a good man can fall. It SHOULD bother her. This time he told her. There is no guarantee he will tell her next time.

    • Hi Katie! I understand your feelings completely. If I had known when I wrote this post that it was going to garner this kind of attention I would have included more details of her behavior. There was behavior both before and immediately following the admission of feelings that I didn’t feel the need to share when I was first writing. In retrospect I wish I had so that I clearer picture would have been painted. Either way, this occurred weeks ago and I have forgiven and moved on.

  115. I agree 100%, women do not need to “crush” on a married man or any man in a committed relationship. Women, we are our own worst enemy! My example is that my husband out of the blue started talking to an old high school friend. They’ve been out of school for 30 years! They were friends on fb and she thought her husband was “talking” to a woman at work, she found text from her on his phone. So she calls my husband to tell him about it, they have not spoken in 30 years other than a comment on fb. The thing that bothered me the most was that he didn’t tell me he was talking to her but I found out when he showed me something from his fb page and I saw a message from her where they were suppose to meet. I couldn’t understand why they were meeting? She was doing the exact same thing with my husband that her husband was doing with a person from work? How does that work? I started looking around phone records and such to see how much talk was going on, it was a lot in a few days. Even while we were on vacation! I was livid! I never had a trust issue with him before and now I do and it sucks! We both travel with our jobs and we both talk to the opposite sex and I have always been comfortable with that. They stopped talking as soon as I found out, it ruined my vacation.

    So, with that said. WOMEN need to respect other WOMEN! Why are we always trying to hurt somebody? I will never understand! Forgiveness is hard when someone is messing with your family but it takes 2 to tango and my husband should have told me about it from the beginning and I probably wouldn’t have had an issue with it or at least not the one I had! Why did she think he would meet her? The million $$ question.

    Thank you for writing this, it seems like everyone has a story! Sad, sad, sad.

    • You said it! It is “sad, sad, sad.” Even beyond these comments I have received Facebook messages and e-mails from so many people sharing even more heartbreaking stories. I’m sorry that you had to experience this breach of trust and I wish that your husband had felt able to communicate with you. It is easy to feel suspicious and wonder why she had felt th need to reach out to someone she hadn’t seen in 30 years rather than a current close friend.

      I hope that you are able to find the healing and the peace you need to heal and move forward.

    • I’m sorry but I never stated that anyone who isn’t Christian is below me or deserving of my pity. Sure, it saddens me to know that there are those who haven’t felt the love of God that I have but that’s not pity. I would never state that someone is below me. My comment about bless her soul was meant merely to say that I recognize she may not feel the need to follow the commandments, and as a Christian myself that saddens me, but I do wish that she respected the faith that my husband and I share which holds US to that standard whether she feels the same obligation or not.

  116. You know when her crush on your husband is not OK…. when your husband entertains any bit of it…. that’s when.

  117. Ashley-Thanks for sharing. I have been married for 21 years and we have a great relationship. While I have not been in your situation, I totally agree with you. I know a single woman that flirts with married men. While her intention may not be to carry it any further than some “harmless” comments re: their good looks, I find it extremely disrespectful not only to these men and their wives but to herself. She feels that their wives must be used to it since they have attractive husbands! It’s okay to have friends, even exes of the opposite sex, but married means married. Period. No need to overthink it.

    • You are exactly correct Noelle. It’s a matter of respecting someone’s marriage and understanding that it’s not ok to flirt. I’m perfectly fine with friendships and even complimentary behavior but there is a line that should be respected and, to me, that line is pretty clear. Saying something like, “I have such a crush on you!” is completely inappropriate.

      • I don’t believe that allowing your husband to be friends with another woman is acceptable. I think that is a lie that the world tells us. Instead we are to leave and cleave to our spouse only. Why would a married man need any type of relationship with a woman other than his wife? If it’s work related talk, then that is an aquantance not a friendship. No sense of fufillment should be found elsewhere. Family is where we should invest time and energy. It is a choice to befriend someone of the opposite sex.

  118. That is exactly how my husband’s affair started. He fell for her flattery. We separated and I moved out. Thank God he came to his senses and I was able to forgive him only with God’s help. We are back together and better than ever. I believe the other woman fed off the power she got from destroying families as she had done this to several other families previously. You did the right thing by standing up for your marriage and your beliefs. The article is perfect and I will share it.

    • Thank you Robin. I’m so glad to read that you were able to forgive your husband (I have been able to forgive this woman as well but it took a little time). I’m also happy that you and your husband were able to reunite and work past your separation. I appreciate you sharing the article as well. That means a lot to me.

  119. A woman who knew my husband was married, happily with children, proposed that she should come over the next night. He was busy reading at the time and not really paying attention, so I thought (I, by the way, was seated a table over and the whole story was repeated to me by an acquaintance of ours, with excellent hearing). Any way, he made the comment that she could come by the next evening that I would be gone to my mother’s with the kids-ck. wife here, steam coming out of ears- my friend said wait a minute and let her finish. I did, she said that the hussy asked my husband what she should wear? He replied, something appropriate and she said, how about ‘nothing’. My friend said that he looked at her rather funny for a second and asked—-“Why would you do that? Don’t you think that cleaning the rugs and floors would be done more comfortably in jeans and a shirt or at least a dress and apron?” Supposedly, she sat back, looked at him and said “WHAT”? and he replied, “you are the person my wife hired to do the housework while she was gone to her mother’s and he would be out of the way working the night shift?”, aren’t you? My friend then said that he sure did misunderstand what that gal said and it was sure funny. I said, funny(?) yes, misunderstood(?) no, that was my husband being the wonderful guy I married. OK, so it wasn’t anything threatening, but I still told one of the most obnoxious guys in the place that there was a gal over there who had said she liked him. I know, petty and small, but I felt better.

  120. This goes both ways. My wife had a co-worker do a very similar thing. Unfortunately it ended up with my wife sleeping with him while I was out of state working to support her and our son, and then again while I was at HOME laid off. Her and another co-worker later were caught exchanging inappropriate email and texts. We’re still together and I’m still fighting with depression, the lack of trust, and the fear that it’s going to happen again or it already is. I told her What I thought he was doing when she said they were hanging out, I knew. I think the biggest reason I’m trying so hard is because of our son, it happened so many times, and in my house. I wish I knew how long it would take to get somewhat back to normal, it’s already been a year. I still hurt so much.

    Sorry for the venting.

    • Austin, please do not apologize for venting. You are more than welcome to share your story and express your feelings. It does indeed go both ways as people of both genders seem to be disrespectful of the vows of marriage. It’s sad. In your case your wife participated in the infidelity and that must make the hurt so much worse. I commend you for trying to work through the issues and for trying to put your family back together. It’s admirable that you are willing to put in the effort both for your marriage and for your son. I think the amount of time it takes to feel normal is different for everyone. There is no specific timetable. No one can say to you it will feel better in 6 months…or a year…it’s individualized for everyone. I’m sorry for your hurt and I’ll pray for your family. Much <3 to you, your wife and your son.

    • From one man to another you will never be the same. You can’t be the same husband or father to you son until YOU love yourself. I personally couldn’t stay …

      • I can see it taking a while, the feelings of insecurity and inadequacy are overwhelming at times. I don’t think that my fathering has been affected too much, aside from being a bit short from time to time. Being the same husband on the other hand, well that’s a different story. Especially when it comes to bedroom activities, she felt she had to get the other guy to want her in that way but doesn’t have the same drive with me, it makes me angry and I don’t like feeling like that.

        • I am an older lady and I have a nephew in his late 20s who has a situation similar to yours, in that his wife has checked out of their marriage except for living under the same roof. His heart is shattered into a million pieces so now he lives to be an excellent father to his daughter. It is very painful to watch as I love him dearly. So, I feel for you, too, and hope you’re able to find someone to confide in, perhaps an older man you respect, for guidance and direction and most of all to let you express your anger. I prayed for you before I wrote this and whenever I pray for my nephew, I will pray for you, too. Peace.

    • I had a friend who went through this, husband admitted mistake and wanted to come back. Wife took him back and they went to a Christian counselor. She said it would never have worked unless they went through counseling because she never could have trusted him. It’s been 10+ years since then. She also advised me to go to counseling when my husband left for another woman – so I would know that I was ok. I felt like I was okay, but counseling was good for me.

      • Both of us have gone to counseling, I feel they listened to what I said and then just reiterated it back to me. It didn’t help with my trust or self esteem issues at all. It has really got me to the point where I get upset about her lack of interest in having sex with me very frequently. I get upset because I have to work so hard for it and the other guy just had to send a text. Supposedly he sweet talked his way into it then kept her doing it by acting like she wasn’t good enough anymore, I don’t know.

        • Imagine what you’d tell your son if he came to you in despair over a girlfriend having sex with someone else right in front of him — then follow your own advice.

          No kid should be raised with the implication that it’s okay to be treated like trash or worse — like they don’t even exist — by their future spouse.

          • I’m not sure what you’re getting at, follow my own advice? Who’s having sex in front of him?!

  121. I actually experienced something a bit similar to this when I was newly married… albeit in a much more harmless-seeming guise–a young girl (13-ish) from where I grew up, would always run and hug my husband whenever we visited back at my old church, which was often at that point. I never liked it, because she had made it clear that she had a bit of a crush on him. So one day, I just looked at her, and said something along the lines of, “That’s MY husband–keep your hands off!” She kind of exploded in a little teenager-ish drama, but she NEVER hugged him again. LOL

  122. Dear Single, I want to tell you God loves you and though it may seem at times that He has turned His back on you, He hasn’t that is a lie that Satan is feeding you to make you feel more alone and pull you farther away from God. And marriage is hard, it’s not all love making and cuddling. It can be heart breaking and lonely at times even when both the husband and the wife love each other and don’t mean for it to be. Keep your head up place your joy in the Lord because that is where true joy resides!

  123. This could have been written about my own marriage and my husband’s “friends”. I took a completely different approach although my husband politely but firmly said “thanks but no thanks”. I used my husband’s email.. with his permission to tell them both about themselves, how disrespectful and rude their behavior was. Then, as this was back in the old MySpace Days, I took screen shots of those inappropriate emails and posted them for all the family and mutual friends to read and know what type of “friends and family” they had. I then told them publicly and in one last email that in the future if there was any further inappropriate behavior towards my husband… I would make it my life’s mission… to make both of their lives completely miserable. I would intentionally ruin them financially, their credit, their relationships, their business, their friendships.. anything I could get my hands on. For-EVER. I meant it too. I am a God fearing Christian woman but the devil himself doesn’t stand a chance on my bad side. They picked the wrong one. My husband, more than once has brought it up, almost glowing with the shot of self esteem that gave him letting everyone know not only did a cute girl from high school still have a crush on him but his wife would throat punch her if she made another move. 😉 God bless… <3

  124. It was the fact this woman had so much disrespect for his wife his marriage and God. Her and her friend had disrespect for all three. Ashley acted a lot nicer then I would have because I would have went to the friend and the woman with the crush and told them both. People want to call the wife jealous. NO… its calling people out and making them accountable for their actions. Ashley was very right in feeling the way she did. It’s not jealousy its rightful indication. I was in a relationship for 4 years and this went on. The bf kept saying I was jealous, I’ve never been jealous, but it was the disrespect other women showed to me. Finally after common sense kicked in…a little looking behind the scenes…finally learning my worth in Christ…I realized that relationship was dead from the beginning due to he…in my own words…acted like a little puppy dog who peed all over himself with excitement every time a woman or girl paid the littlest attention to him. I was “blinded” by “love”, but that wasn’t love. Finally walked away before it turned into a lifetime of it. If you’ll read the word it plainly states about flattering tongues…
    Proverbs 26:28 A lying tongue hateth those that are afflicted by it; and a flattering mouth worketh ruin.

  125. The world is filled with trials and temptation for everyone. This was your husband’s. And thankfully, he stopped it before it started. While I agree, these women had no business interfering with your marriage, focusing on it and them seems equal to focusing on the negative, while you should be celebrating a husband who is faithful and committed. Not every woman’s story ended this way. Being tempted by another woman or sin in general happens because we live in a broken world. Simple as that.

  126. I’m going through this right now with my boyfriend. Not even married yet, but we have every intention on being married. Thank you so much for this article. It expresses everything I am feeling perfectly.

  127. I worry about some of these ladies who seem to believe their husband is a possession rather than a person; I would be far more worried about secrets that were kept…the mixture of “I’m a Christian” followed with “I will ruin their lives” is also contradictory. I have to wonder, do some of these people REALLY love their husbands or need them to pay their bills so they don’t have to work for a living? Sorry, I’ve met way too many women who rely on a man for basic survival.

    • He is your possession, just as you are his possession. And that doesn’t mean you “own” him. That doesn’t mean you control his life or that you consider him an object. It means he is of 1/2 of who you are. Marriage binds you as one. But I agree with you, even the smallest of secrets can bring down the sturdiest marriages. I also agree that “ruining their lives” won’t stop unfaithful spouses. As far as women relying on men to pay their bills, my husband & I both work full time & we have 2 small kiddos so we’re both always broke, so I don’t know anything about that. Lol =)

    • Hi Stephanie! I do not look at my husband as a possession, not at all. Rather I look at him as a person (flawed as we all are) who made a sacred commitment to me as I did to him. I become upset with anyone makes any attempt (however mild or extreme) to put temptation into the middle of our marriage. I also never made a statement about ruining anyone’s life. While I admit I can have a temper I would not seek revenge. Also, not that this needs disclosure, but I do not rely on my husband to pay my bills or support me. In fact, I have the primary career in my family and, since my husband’s recent surgery, have supported my family. I am with my husband because we love and mutually respect each other. I am with him because we feel as though we are two parts of the same soul. Thank you for understanding.

    • We made a commitment to each other. He to protect me, I to protect him. I have no issue with him, he did nothing wrong. The stability of our relationship is irrelevant. The infestation needed to be addressed at the source with these “friends” and I exterminated it. Thanks for your concern. As far as finances are concerned, I make more than he does. We have seperate bank accounts, always have. The way we view each other in our marriage is our business. He is not my possession but he is my territory and make no mistake trespassers will wish they’d been shot.

  128. My husband had a woman at work that kept pushing that they should go “out to lunch” together. He politely told her no and that he was married repeatedly but she kept pushing. My husband was getting to the point he was going to tell her exactly what he thought when a co-worker came by and heard what was going on and told her if she kept pushing that my husband will say something not polite and he will say it loud so everyone will hear it too. She finally laid off. I am thankful my husband tells me what happens and doesn’t leave me out of the loop. He has had one co-worker who didn’t know he was married that flirted with him and when he told her he was married she apologized, which I giave her respect for.

    I think women who crush on or flirt with married men see that they are in a commitment and secretly want that but go about in the wrong way to get it. Such as trying to get with a married man.

  129. I’ve never had someone actually came out and say that to my husband, but I’ve had many girls try to make a move on him as I stand next to him! I can remember one time we were at a bar for a family function (I was 9 months pregnant at the time) and the waitress was so awful to me. Any time I asked for anything she would ignore me and get only what my husband would ask for. He told her over and over how I was his wife, that I had gestational diabetes, could only have water and please bring me something. She would ignore every request. Then I walked away to get my own water and when I returned she was pulling her skirt up to show him a “bruise” on her rear end. He immediately looked away from her. I walked in between them and told her if she wanted to keep her job she’d get my water. Needless to say I never got my water, she never got a tip, she lost her job that night and my husband and I left immediately after that happened. Why do women think it’s ok to flirt with a married man? Why did we even have to be put in a situation like that as a couple? Did she think she was going to get a better tip? My husband told her I was the one in control of the money that night. I just cannot stand how some people act. Its very hard to not act or be jealous in moments like these.

  130. I have to admit, when I was younger, I did crush on a married man. I kept it to myself, though my friends knew. When he showed interest, and started flirting, I told him to go home to his wife and kids. I was not going to break up a perfectly happy family for such a fleeting thought as a crush. I knew it was wrong to covet, but I think that I did the right thing, and did not entertain the idea. To this day, I still fancy him, but I will never let him know that. Ever.

  131. to the woman who told my husband she was in love with him and had been for years and regretted not telling him until now —- THIS.

  132. My wife went away on a two month training for work last September. While she was there, she met a man and they became friends, talking in the lobby and stuff like that. One night, I called her because she was distraught and she told me that someone at the training was spreading rumors about her and this man having an inappropriate relationship. Crying, she reassured me that it was untrue, and I believed her because she had never once in 18 years lied to me, plus I knew from her family’s past that she absolutely hated the idea of having an affair. In January of this year, she told me that she wanted to separate. That she had never respected me and that she never had the chance to be independent and try to make it on her own and wanted that chance before she was “too old”. We have three children, 18, 15, and 12. As I pressed into the matter, I found that she and this guy had sent more than 3,000 text messages and who knows how many emails to each other from November to January. Finally in February, she admitted that they had had an affair the last four nights they were together on the training. Then in March, she told me that she had sent him money to help him move, and that apparently before he broke things off with her, he had made the 12 hour drive from where he was living and spent three days with her while me and our boys were out of the house. She has told me multiple times that she wants to move out. They have maintained contact with each other, first through her regular email, then he convinced her to create a secret email account, which I found on our computer. The last time I know they talked was about two months ago. I caught her emailing him at work when I surprised her to go out to eat. I have tried to keep our family together. I’ve tried to suggest counseling, tried to change who I am. I lost my job as a teacher, in part, because I couldn’t focus on my job at the end of the school year last year. To this day, I have no idea what is going to happen. I pray for my family, I pray for her heart to turn back to God. Some days I see a difference, others it seems like it’s the same. The guy she cheated with recently moved back to where he is from, which is only 2 hours away. She has changed so much that our kids can tell a difference and wonder what is going on. She comes home and drinks, she listens to vulgar music in front of them, and when they object to her behavior, she dismisses them and tells them either they aren’t her father, or that she’s old enough to do whatever she wants.

    • This breaks my heart. I’ll pray for you and your family. My oldest brother went through a similar situation. His now ex-wife, moved to London with another man and abandoned God, my brother and their 2 children. She even signed away her rights as their mother and they have been adopted by my brother’s new wife. While it was the most horrible thing to witness-so much heartache and stress–I am so happy that it turned out the way it did. I pray she will turn back to God and get her priorities in line.

    • Why don’t you let her move out? It sounds like she feels prisoner to the home and wants to be free. I think if you love something, you need to let it go. Love is love, love is not possession.

    • Honestly, drastic changes in a person’s personality like this can be signs of a medical issue. This sounds more like a brain tumor than a woman you have known and trusted for years suddenly becoming a monster. I would urge your wife to see a doctor.

  133. I recently got out of a committed relationship where this was a central problem to our ultimate breakup. My boyfriend constantly had girls texting him, and I noticed it happened to be the same ones over and over and were girls whom he had never mentioned to me before. It worried me, so I checked his phone one night. I saw that a girl he worked with had confided into him that she liked him and was frustrated because she didn’t feel that he felt the same way. He never told me or knew that I knew. I finally told him when I came to learn that their coworkers thought they were dating – he never mentioned to them or to the girl that we were dating. That broke my trust, but I loved him and cared for him enough to try to work on trusting him again so our relationship could get back on track. He told the girl that we were dating, but he knew that I wasstill unconfortable with their friendship. He continued to talk to her frequently. One day, I saw he had a text message from a different girl around 8 am that said “Good morning love :)” I told him it was innaporopriate and any girl should not be texting a guy like that if he has a girlfriend or SO. He told me not to worry, that they were only ever friends and she talks like that to everyone. But I noticed he started talking to her more frequently, so I checked up on it. Turns out, she had started talking to him about getting back together. He never once told me, he even lied to my face about the fact that they jad previously dated. This all caused so much distrust, and still to this day I have no idea if he ever cheated on me. I don’t think he did, he just cravd the attention from multiple girls. It’s extremely painful to be with someone who is supposed to care for you, but surrounds himself with others who also give him the attention he should be going to his significant other for. It breaks my heart that I allowed myself to go through the hurt more than once. A relationship with no trust is nothing at all, and something as simple as an innaporopriate text can tank a relationship in a heartbeat. I still love him, but the hurt is even worse.

  134. How did they get his email in the first place? The other women are not going to be a problem as long as your husband is not entertaining any ideas & is truly trustworthy to the vows of marriage you both made. What I would wonder is why this women & her friend felt the courage to even initiate an email about a crush to begin with? Considering these are grown women & not junior high pre-teens we’re talking about. Keep in mind that most people say, “I never saw it coming.” Keep your head up & ears on.

  135. When my previous marriage was struggling, I knew something was up… We went to counseling, one session, when I tried to do the exercises recommended, he said.. “I don’t want to be married and it’s over”… Come to find out, he was seeing another woman and she was pregnant. Hummmmm… he’s never married her. As much as I loved him, he is not the man I married.

  136. i think this could extend to “why your inappropriate interactions with my husband are not ok” because some girls may interact with married men as if they had a crush on them, but never admit they have a crush. this has made me feel extremely uncomfortable, and i’ve confronted these girls just to have them lash back calling me insecure and aggressive when all i’ve asked them to do is to stop confiding in my husband and going out with him to bars, etc without my knowledge. they claim to just be his “friend” but in my terms, they have crossed the line, as has my husband, but there needs to be boundaries between any married person and anyone of the opposite sex.

  137. i personally have hit on an engaged man, but I was completely UNAWARE of the fact he even had anyone special in his life. as soon as I found out I immediately backed off. Since then I have not and will not speak nor look in this man’s eyes. as he should be able to go home and tell his fiance/wife/girlfriend that I have not messed with him. that is how all women should think. there’s just no boundaries, respect, or morals anymore. and it’s very sad.

  138. The only difference in your story from mine, is being married. We are not married but we’ve been together for five years, and the other girl emailed him while we were celebrating my birthday together. He told me right after he got the email. I was so upset that she had the nerve to do something like that. She even said, “I know you and her have been together forever, but I needed to tell you.” How disrespectful! I’m so glad you wrote this, because now I know my feelings toward the situation are NOT irrational. Thank you for this!

  139. I would be upset too if I were in your situation, but still, the way you talk down on this third person saddens me. You are of course aloud to be upset, but it seems to me that you have decided to hate this person forever. Everyone makes mistakes, and I am pretty sure she does regret expressing her feelings towards your husband. Just think about it and ask God to help you forgive. I am 100% positive that he wants you to stop hating her and try to forgive instead =) If we all were to hate people for their mistakes, well, then there wouldn’t be much love left in this world.

  140. This is probably a very weird question…but what are you supposed to do when a teenager has a crush on your husband? I went with my husband to a friends house and his friends daughter was flirting with my husband. My husband completely ignored her and we laughed about it when we got in the car and left later on that evening. But the more I thought about it, the more mad I got.

    Should I have not worried about it because teenagers don’t understand the dynamics of boundaries and relationships? Should I have said something? I’ll be honest, I felt incredibly threatened. Maybe it’s because of my own lack of confidence, I don’t know. We’re both 33 and the girl was around 16 or so.

    • I would say don’t worry about it initially since she is so young. It was probably flattering to him more than anything. I would Assume your husband is not interested in a girl so young but their are men who are exceptions.
      She probably thought it was cool talking to an older man and felt some sort of way.
      If it happens again I would probably say something. But for now don’t worry about it

    • Honestly, as someone from the teenagers perspective (now grown up, with a fiance, a great job, etc etc…) I wish that his wife would have said something to me to encourage me into a place where my behavior didn’t affect their marriage. I sometimes wonder what my innocent actions resulted in within their marriage. (not actual actions but in the more metaphotical sense).
      Don’t worry about your confidence. He chose *you* to marry and make his *wife*. No other person can beat that. Not even some flirtacious 16 year old. She needs good examples of women in her life that will help guide her into the woman she is to be. Now is your chance to help come along side her, like I wish someone had done for me.

    • What you’re supposed to do is almost exactly what you and your husband did — ignore the inappropriate behavior in the moment, then laugh together about it later.

      The last step is the most important though: trust the husband that you chose to marry and don’t bother yourself about it.

    • Either talk to your friend, or talk to the daughter yourself. If it’s not addressed NOW, she will end up being like the woman that e-mailed Ashley’s husband. They need to be embarrassed and learn boundaries while they’re still young and impressionable, especially it’s from someone they respect or admire.

  141. I have a similar situation but with my boyfriend. His ex wife decided to divorce him & marry a woman. She continues to be friends with him & calls him periodically and even invites him over for dinner when I travel back home. We live in different states.
    I have expressed my feelings if not trusting her to him but I feel he diesnt see her as a threat to our relationship.
    What should I do?

  142. Straight women hit on my man all the time and it’s quite humorous to see their faces when they learn he is gay and that they’re so far out of luck that they can’t even be properly jealous. 🙂

      • Hey Ashley! When such a thing happens, there’s definitely nothing else that provokes and stirs such a strong defensive and protective emotion within me- because, gee-whiz, I love my boyfriend more than anything. It’d break me to lose him. Luckily, most gay men know their place and back off quickly (especially when they realize without a doubt that he’s taken) before we ever get to the point that you unfortunately had too- granted we’re not married yet. I can image though that if it did/does, I’ll be having a talk with them one to one. It’s relieving to hear my boyfriend would do the same for me. Thanks for asking! Wish you well Ashley!

        • That’s great to hear! I’m glad the two of you have such a strong relationship. It’s good to feel secure in your relationship and know that you can bond together against a threat. Any intention to get married (and is it ok to ask that?). If so, congrats and many happy wishes for you both!

          • Thank you! Sure! Yes, now that marriage isn’t illegal in our state, it’s definitely in the books! 🙂

  143. I also have to question your husbands friend. Why was she passing along that she had a friend that had a crush on him? She knows he is married. Is she trying to break down a marriage? She is at bad fault here too. As a married woman myself I would have a serious problem with one of my husband’s friends trying to tempt him into sin. I certainly would no longer want him or her part of his life. There would be broken trust.

  144. Man, if that happened to a friend OR to my partner & I… that would be sad. It would basically mean the loss of a friend. Them voicing their interest is tantamount to saying they don’t care about the friendship, let alone the desire to be monogamous.

    Now, strangers hitting on me or my partner absolutely don’t have the same underlying disrespect or lack of morals/ethics (unless we’re walking hand-in-hand or out to dinner). And I would guess it’s also somewhat different for those in a Polyamorous relationship.

  145. I don’t think the crush itself matters. But you’re right that any person who expresses their feelings for a married man is doing wrong. There’s nothing to be gained from sharing those feelings unless they were saying, “We need to back off of this friendship because I’m feeling some inappropriate closeness to you. Please understand that I will not be around you socially anymore.” But she wasn’t. And even after the feelings were brushed off, she said she hopes the friendship can continue without awkwardness. Of course not. Even with the best of intentions, going forward the knowledge is between them. Of course it’d be awkward!

    If she had the crush and never expressed it, it’d never have been an issue, but she didn’t leave it at that. She made a passive attempt to get him by having a third party feel out whether he’d go for it.

    • At Matthew 5:27-28 Jesus said: “You heard that it was said: ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who keeps on looking at a woman so as to have a passion for her(or him) has already committed adultery with her(or him) in his heart.”

      The point being that the crush developed in the first place because the person kept looking. Envy developed and then a crush. So even having a secret crush and never revealing it is wrong!

        • anoynamouse, you are referring to the old testament when tattoos and carvings in the flesh were being referenced to idolatry, satanic and wicked doings of the dead back in those times.

          The 10 commandments are God’s law which his people should and are expected of him to live by- shall not commit adultery or covet anyone/anything are 2 of his 10 Commandments.

  146. When my husband and I were first dating, be was also dating another girl. We were both aware of each other and I personally didn’t mind. I knew that he was a trust worthy person and at that point there wasn’t a physical relationship between us. Long story short we fell in love and the other girl was then told that they could no longer see each other. She did not take it well. She was/is the best friend of my husband’s bestfriend’s wife. Which meant that we would run into each other from time to time. During our 4years of dating, she would show her a$$ at a party here and there…obviously still holding out hope (and anger). Time passed, we were married, and she drifted away to lead her own life…until one night…my husband went to his friends house for a party that I decided not to attend. As luck would have it, she was there! She proceeded to get wasted (as she always does) and decided that would be a good time to tell my husband that he chose the wrong woman!! He told her that judging by what he saw in front of him, he definitely made the right choice! She also told his best friend that she was still holding onto feelings for my husband and that she would wait for him. Well…she’s going to be waiting a loooong time!!! Since then, my husband has made the choice to not associate with her and if he knows she will be somewhere he’s been invited to go, he will not attend. By the way, when I asked to speak to her about it, she refused and avoids me like the plague. In the end…he is mine as I am his….

  147. Good points and valid feelings. I think this post could use some more grace. “I could forgive you if you did not know he was married but you did.” I hope that you’ll be able to forgive her anyway. Also, it’s probably better to assume innocent motives whenever possible. I’ve never made anyone (including me) happier by assuming something was malicious when I could have instead assumed it wasn’t. Mercy triumphs over judgement.

    • What innocent motive can there be for a woman telling a married man that she has a crush on him? I can’t think of any way that could be innocent.

      I do agree that she should forgive her, though I’m not convinced that was what she was saying. My impression was more that she was saying that it was a step too far, and their friendship was no longer possible.

      • The first way to give the benefit of the doubt is what Ashley already mentioned, that her friend could have taken the initiative herself to mention it, either because she thought she was doing a favor or because she wanted to gossip. She might have then informed her friend of what she did, knowing her friend would be too shy to allow her to do it if she had asked before-hand.
        Another possible interpretation is that it was motivated by honesty and a desire for full disclosure. She could have been thinking that it was dishonest of her to continue a friendship with him while harboring these feelings and that he should know. If I put myself in her shoes, it could happen that I have a friend who I develop feelings towards. I didn’t ask to have the feelings, but since I do, I have the option of hiding it from them or telling them. I might wait a bit and hope that the feelings go away, but then decide that I should be up-front even if it means risking the loss of a friendship. And while I personally wouldn’t, I can certainly imagine being too shy to say it directly and allowing a friend to be the messenger.

        So, I’m certainly not saying we should be naive or foolish. But we should extend grace in our interpretations of people’s actions. We should pick the best interpretation, just as we’d like others to do for us.

        I think you’re correct that she wasn’t trying to express a refusal to forgive. However, people can still take it that way. Many people could read this as either encouragement for their own unforgiveness or as a Christian being anti-forgiveness, so I’m saying that the post itself could use more grace. Also, there is a level of unforgiveness in telling someone that friendship with them is no longer possible because they are not deserving. None of us our deserving. Imagine that the friend was in fact motivated by honesty. Would she be hurt by this response?

        I think there is a way to show an intense love for your spouse while showing restraint and understanding toward others. And I think the internet needs more of that. It would be really novel to have a woman post something that at the same time affirms her deep love and commitment to her husband, while running contrary to stereotypical jealousy. Assertiveness mixed with understanding, trust, and forgiveness can be a powerful thing. If she could avoid pity or contempt, she could even express compassion for anyone who has not found someone, starts getting feelings they don’t know what to do with, or feels a need for affirmation of their own worth and desirability.

  148. Oh how I would love to reach out to you. I’m going through this right now with my childrens babysitter. (Old babysitter.)

  149. I think it’s also completely disrespectful of the friend who informed your husband of the crush in the first place. I would question her motives and loyalty as well. To clarify, I am not in any way trying to take blame away from the woman who had the crush…just saying there were two shady people in this situation, not one.

  150. How about a married man who tells a married woman he has a crush on her and then tells his wife that she’s the one who pursued him? And then said “Christian” wife tells everyone she knows based on the lies her husband told her? And said man continues to reach out to the woman who is trying to remain friendly (huge mistake there trying to be the better person)? It’s not just women who do this sort of thing.

    • Should have known better, my advice to you if what you’re saying is true that the man is still reaching out to you is to forward all communications from him to his wife. If not then you must enjoy it and by you keeping silent then you yourself must have something to hide. Maybe you are still trying to be the other woman and if that is the case then it shows your version of what happened is just that, ‘your version’. Maybe you are still trying to leach on to this married man behind his wife’s back. If not, stop. Let her know who is doing what with proof. Otherwise you still don’t know any better. You’re just happy playing this game and whose to say, maybe he did tell the truth and it was you lying all along.

  151. Not married but was in a 4.5year committed relationship and while my brother was home from the war on berevement after our dad passed on my brother and boyfriend went out to have drinks and were hanging out with a few people. Found out a few weeks later that he had been texting one of the gals from that night and he told me and apoligized and said he would discontinue contact with her. She did not stop and continued to text with him and while i was out of town on business he made some mistakes and ended our relationship. This woman had met me before and knew we were together. But kept at it and got him to leave me for her. And when im out and about and run into them she tries to be all friendly with me. They deserve each other. Shes cheated on him at least once and they live at that bar almost every night. It sad but im better off now.

  152. Totally agree…no it is NOT alright for another woman to have a crush on my husband.
    The only way you can forgive this woman is through God. I had to choose not to be bitter & choose to forgive. As hard as that was & as much as I wanted to take matters in my hands, it was only through MUCH Bible Study & prayers was I able to truly say, I forgave her, even though I never meet her. Satan will use anything he can to ruin marriages between husbands & wives in this world. May the Lord bless your marriage!

  153. Love this! I went through this with my (now ex) husband, who thought the crush was harmless and laughed at my concerns. Months went by, and I started noticing things. When we finally called it quits, he moved her in almost immediately after I left, and she announced her pregnancy soon after that. Such crushes are NEVER well-intended, harmless, or acceptable.

  154. I’m going through a divorce right now because I trusted that my husband of 13 years wouldn’t mess with a ‘friend’ who had a crush on him. Disgusting how easily these things can begin.

  155. Many years ago, a girlfriend aatold me my husband was so cute. I honestly didn”t athink anything about it, She had a nice looking, very successful husband, and it never occurred to me that there was anything to it. Time passed, and the couple’s marriage failed. The day after the divorce went to court, the husband came to our home and took a ride with my husband. When he returned, my husband asked me if I knew that the wife had had an interest in him. I said no, but then i remembered what she had said. It turned out that she had told the judge during the divorce the same thing. My poor husband was floored. He was embarrassed, because he cared a lot more for the friend than for his wife. But there were other of our friends in court that heard it. He was afraid of what they thought. She made one call to our home to try to connect with my husband, but by the time I gave him her message, she had given up and moved out of state, where she died. I did not make too much of it, because I knew my husband better than she did, and knew where he was all the time. I just wish I had told him at the time, so he could have at least some idea that she might do this, even though it was years after the remark to me. The devil knows who to use, and sometimes, he underestimates the devotion of a man to his God and his family.

    • It is different if friend says they think a spouse is cute. but if they say to spouse anonymously they have crush that is very different. I think people are cute all the time but I would not dream of dating any of them.

  156. My husband just recently went to his old place of work to help a friend who still works there and the lady in the office (who flirted with him continuously while he worked there) asked him outta the blue to move in with her and her son… She knows he is married and has 2 children, but still had the nerve to ask. He told her he couldn’t and wouldn’t do it because he had a family at home waiting for him. Why do people try to ruin marriages when there’s plenty of single people out there?

  157. My husband went through a medical program a few yrs ago as the only guy in a class of 38 girls. The number of girls that made it perfectly clear they were interested or threw themselves at him knowing he was married with a kid was just sickening. Some women have no morals at all!

  158. Wow your husband is awesome. Some people may never have told their spouses about that in the first place. As for the random friend of a friend/soul destroying temptress, hopefully you can have the chance to interact with her in a meaningful way besides just this post on a blog. I’ve been personally saved by forgiveness for mistakes many times by people I now learn from and have love and respect for. I’m just glad they accepted my apologies and my commitment to be a better person. I hope the same for this woman as well.

  159. About 15 years ago my husband was coaching basketball in a then, small private Christian Junior-Senior High School. He was also a substitute on days off from his full time job the hospitality industry. He had an enthusiastic personality, boyish charm and a daughter about the same age as “Sherry’s” daughter. Sherry paid a lot of seemingly innoocent attention to my husband and he occasionally gave her rides to the school. My “spidey” sense kicked in and I let my husband know that this very married woman had a thing for him. He somehow managed to say something to her (don’t remember how that went) at some point when she was gushing over something he had said or done. She was immediately flustered and went on about
    “Oh I love you but like a brother. I just like being around you” My hubby was truely floored. He thought I had an overactive imagination until he forced the subject with her and could tell by her reaction (stammering and stuttering) that I was right. At the time, I thought maybe I was being silly but I am so glad I said something and that my husband handled it head-on and in an honorable way.

  160. A friend from high school friended me on Facebook a few years ago. At first I didn’t think anything of it, other than reconnecting with an old friend, until he sent me a message indicating that it wasn’t so innocent on his part. I immediately unfriended him because I felt it wasn’t a good situation. I didn’t want to have anything to do with causing contention with his marriage and I certainly wasn’t interesting in harming mine. I believe marriage is sacred and that other people must respect that relationship. I think the author did the right thing.

  161. A “friendship that can never be restored” is not “true forgiveness” if you are the one who refuses to allow it to be restored.

    • So if your friend raped your child, you’d forgive them and let them babysit again? How about NOT! You can always forgive, but you can’t ever forget.

    • Wrong Travis. Absolutely you can forgive someone without no longer wanting a “friendship” with them. You can be kind, cordial, and friendLY with people without having an actual “frienship” with all of them. There’s definitely a difference!

  162. No, you’re right,it’s not ok.
    Happened to me and my husband when we were first married. An old friend of his literally threw herself onto him, and pushed me away from him (physically) and went on to tell me that he’d never love me like he loved her.
    It took me a very very long time to forgive her.

    Same goes the other way, too, though.
    After we’d been married about 8 years, an old boyfriend tried to contact me and tell me he wanted me back (he knew I was married) … of course I told my husband and cut off all contact with the guy. The first incident hurt me, and I know the second incident hurt my husband.

    And like you said, “Did you think that he would keep it from his wife?” No. All relationships are built on trust, and you have to tell each other even the icky stuff that people say to you, or else it could fester and turn into a sinful fantasy.

  163. Blown WAAAY out of proportion!!! If one TRULY trusts their spouse/significant other, then this should be immediately dismissed! So they were “hit on” so what??? There was no covert activity and the husband in this case divulged all. Be proud he is attractive enough to be hit on and GET OVER IT!!! Really, no harm no foul!!! Jealousy is usually a perceived notion.

    • I don’t feel this is a jealousy situation as much as she feels disrespected. She was simply letting this woman know her feelings. It wasn’t right of either of these other woman to overstep their boundaries in a work email no less and make it an uncomfortable situation for all involved. If it’s mine I’m going to protect it.

      • I understand your position I think. Boundaries are good to an extent but one cannot place boundaries on people one doesn’t know of. Her husband may have been hit on many other times, we don’t know, but he handled the situation appropriately. I still say it is more of a trust issue. Personally the same has happened to me and to my ex but, again, I felt as did my ex that it was a compliment rather than an insult, let it go and kept on with our lives. People make mountains out of mole hills all too often which lead to even bigger problems. One should be able to be secure in the relationship entered into and, if not, maybe something was lacking all along. Jus sayin…..

        • The trust issue isn’t between her and her husband, it’s between her and their supposed friends. Sure, her husband might be hit on often by strangers, however, that is different from a friend whom knows he is married. She’s not trying to place boundaries on people she doesn’t know, she’s placing boundaries on a “friend” trying to come in between her marriage. It’s not harmless if the other person has an agenda for making her crush on him known.

          • I agree with you Chris. My real thinking is that if the E-mail had never been mentioned the incident would never have happened nor would this discussion. However, if the wife had ever found out without her husband telling her we would be in a totally different discussion. Many times we handle situations like this and never say a word thinking nothing about it but don’t let it get out!!! All was aboveboard here so why not just let it go rather than beat a dead horse so to speak?

    • Wow. There were hurt feelings, the loss of friendships, feeling betrayed by those “friends”, and I’m sure it was all painful and disturbing. Shame on you for being so flippant and dismissive of another person’s hurt. Your disagreeing with her experience and reactions doesn’t give you license to be blasé and cold.

      • Thought this was supposed to be a discussion with different opinions and takes on the situation not a pitty party!!!! I gave my “opinion” and you gave yours, obviously at different ends of the spectrum. Still just opinions!!!

        • It is a place for sharing opinions, as you just stated yourself. Ashley’s certainly not having a pitty party. I suspect you to be very young and inexperienced based on your use of punctuation and verbiage. I imagine if something like this happened to you, your tone would change. You would appreciate genuine support and encouragement. If this ever happens in your life, I hope you receive these things.

          • You obviously didn’t read my first post or at least comprehend it because if you had you would have noticed that I HAVE had the same experience and did exactly what I suggested she or anyone else do. Btw; I am over the age of 50 and was a practicing provider for over 40 years. Seems to me you make assumptions quite readily and without fore thought. I was simply making an observation and recommendation that would have resolved the situation equitably and without further turmoil. We seem to exaggerate and dwell on situations so much theses days and in the end it just makes them more volatile and hurtful! In this particular situation an advance was made, it was denied, an apology was given in good faith and accepted. Nothing else transpired so what else do you suggest should happen??

  164. I may not be christian…but I don’t care of your dating married with what gender…if you know someone has explicitly joined in a personal exclusive relationship it really doesn’t matter what you feel towards one of the parties. Especially if your a friend. As a friend you also have made an unofficial agreement to be there and not cause hurt or strife. I’m glad your husband did the right thing. I am sorry your “mutual friends” however thought it was ok to not only potentially intrude on a very exclusive part of your life but also betray their unspoken agreements of friendship to both of you.
    Ending up with crushes is natural regardless of any factors is normal and instinctual, however acting on it in any way is completely unacceptable.

  165. I think kit was wrong I wouldn’t want to deal with this but hear is the thing we all do some women want what is taken and they can not have problems in some cases it does and they mess up a marriage but it’s also knowing your spouse and trusting in them. I would be upset but know my husband would never do anything and will always tell me. This world is messed is so many ways but all we can do is follow the path of God and believe in Him.

  166. If you have never been in this situation you should not be bad mouthing this woman. I have been through this. She was my best friend and I brought her in to my home, helped take care of her child and treated her like a sister all while she was pursuing my husband behind my back. She wanted the life I had. The affair did happen and I don’t even know for how long. He is no longer my husband and I am no longer naive. No matter how much trust is in a relationship there will always be temptation. As she stated these woman are classless and will resort to whatever they have to do to get what they want. The saddest part is the majority of the time they want the life you have and don’t realize that it took two to build it and as one commenter stated it only goes downhill once they do. No she is not overreacting, she is reacting and I absolutely commend her for it!

  167. You had me on your team until: “Forgiveness was given but the friendship can never be restored.” Luckily Jesus doesn’t treat you that way. In reality, no forgiveness was given THEREFORE the friendship can never be restored.

    • Who cares about a friendship? That girl was never a true friend in the first place for the amount of deceit that went into the planning of that email.

    • Forgiveness doesn’t mean allowing a threat, an untrustworthy person back into your life. The woman who offered sex to my hubby while I was out of town has been forgiven but she’s certainly not welcome in our home and spending time with her on any level just isn’t gonna happen. Inviting her back into our lives would be foolish and it would definitely send her the wrong message.

    • Forgiveness doesn’t mean allowing a threat, an untrustworthy person back into your life. The woman who offered sex to my hubby while I was out of town has been forgiven but she’s certainly not welcome in our home and spending time with her on any level just isn’t gonna happen. Inviting her back into our lives would be foolish and it would definitely send her the wrong message.

  168. I’ve read both sides of the comments. Some think that it should be immediately dismissed and it’s deemed harmless while others prepare for the inticement and determination of the so called innocent little crush. Only thing about these situations is if you dismiss it than they think there’s a looser rein on your spouse so it gives them the green light and makes them more aggressive in pursuing someone you have invested your time, you heart, and so many memories in. Who wants that? You should always show a little concern at least. I trust my husband, it’s the home wrecking females ( and that’s putting it in nice terms) that I do not trust. Some of them are very aggressive with this type of behavior and you have to go ahead and let them know in advance that she won’t be taking your spot and for her sake she better hope she can get over that crush real quick.

    • Exactly. Knowing the hubby has shared this with his wife , presenting a united front can be a buzz kill for women interested in another woman’s husband. If she doesn’t go away, more stringent tactics are warranted.

  169. After reading the comments on here, I am astonished at how people were so easily attacking the author of this article. One comment had said that forgiveness did not happen simply because the friendship between the husband and that woman was NOT restored.

    Allow me to comment on that.

    It’s called a boundary. You can forgive, but boundaries have to be set. That’s just wisdom. If that friendship was restored, I would guarantee that woman would pursue the husband again. It’s a root issue. Saying “sorry” doesn’t help with a root issue: The root is still there. When a plant is not destroyed by the root, it will grow again. If that root issue (whatever it is) is not dealt with in that woman, it’s going to spring up again if the relationship is restored.

    Setting up boundaries are healthy. This is a healthy boundary. There was a line that was crossed that shouldn’t have been crossed, and the boundary helps with that so the specific line would not be crossed again. For example, when you have a neighbor’s house next to your house, there is a boundary line that tells you what land is yours. If there was no boundary line, you would have no idea where your land ends. Boundaries are simply lines to tell you where not to cross. This is what this wife is doing.

    She did forgive, but she posted a boundary….which is wise. It’s in no judgment of that woman who pursued her husband, but just to protect that woman and the husband and wife.

  170. Totally agree with the author of this.. It is one thing to hit on a single man or even a man you believe to be single but once you hit on a man you know has a wife and family that crosses the line. It shows her true colors and intentions. Its not jealousy it is common sense not to try to break up a marriage. I honestly believe if the husband would have initiated a relationship on the side with this woman she would have been completely fine with being his mistress. How sad that women can do this to one another. Good for you and your husband for being great people and honest in your marriage!

  171. After reading these comments and seeing all these people’s situation, it really makes you think. When you have been in a simular situation, I don’t think it is fair of anyone to judge either party. Your husband is in a relationship with you and you only. Yes it is completly inappropriate for any woman to approach a married man. However her husband in this instance did the right thing, some men do not. And if your husband is the one who ends up having the affair you seriously need to re-evaluate your marriage. He obviously isn’t being taken advantage of. Further more if she is your friend, how do you not know it wasn’t exactly what this article truly is about…Friendship with the opposite sex is not possible when you are in a committed relationship or Married. Talking leads to other things wether we intend them to or not. When you are married, you are each others best friend, there is no need for you to find that in another woman or vice versa!

    • Exactly! Hubby and are never alone with a member of the opposite sex. It’s dangerous to allow even the appearance of impropriety into your friendships. Mistakes happen, no need to invite them.

  172. I love this, it’s so true, I see so many people saying “so what” but, I have to say I admire you for responding the way you did, my response wouldn’t have been nearly as “Christianlike” and I would have had to ask for forgiveness, but, no, it is never, ever, ever okay for someone to do that.

    • I am super shocked at the “so what” responses of women here. She and her hubby dealt with it together. This leaves no question on the part of other women that he and his wife are committed to one another and that no secrets exist in their marriage. That’s how this is done! 🙂

  173. Omg! You can’t be real! Do you own a dictionary? Look up character, moral, and especially INTEGRITY!! If you want a lasting marriage, these traits essential!

  174. Is it ok to have a crush on a married man if you do not tell him AND you do not pursue anything,flirt,encourage,etc?

    • NO! The word of God clearly says in Matthew 5:28: “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” And of course this applies to women as well…..

    • Only if you’re interested in being a masochist. You’d only be hurting yourself in that situation. In essence, you’d be chasing something you can’t have while denying yourself the possibility of finding a real relationship with a single man who will value you for you.

    • No. Even that’s not OK. Guard your own heart. There is no reason to focus any kind of crush on a married man. Ever.

    • Hey now. Having a crush on someone doesn’t mean you obsess over them or imagine having sex with them. Yes, it’s much easier when you have a crush on them, but sometimes you can’t help who you develop feelings for, especially if you’re at an emotionally vulnerable place in your life. If you have a crush on someone you shouldn’t, you aren’t automatically a terrible person, but you do need to make an effort to guard your heart and distance yourself from this person.

  175. I wonder how many of the people criticizing the author have experience with someone crossing the line in their own relationship? I don’t think the writer was out of line in her reaction. Yes, it is loving and kind to give people the benefit of the doubt whenever possible. When someone is rude and nasty in traffic, for example, I remind myself that I don’t know what is happening in their life. Maybe they just got devastating news. Maybe they are on their way to the hospital to see an ill family member. But in the event this author related, two people made an “eyes wide open” decision to communicate a “crush” on someone they knew was in a committed relationship. It was EXTREMELY disrepectful. So, yes, Ashley forgave. That doesn’t mean she has to pretend it never happened. That would be naive. I was in a 20 year marriage to a man who loved his female friends but loved me more. He had female friends but he never crossed the line into inappropriate behavior, and he never allowed women to cross that line. Regretfully, after my marriage ended, I was in a 5 year relationship with a very different type of man. He had “friends” who crossed the line of appropriateness on a regular basis. I was uneasy about some of the behavior, but both he and the women claimed I was just insecure and jealous. Well, no, actually. As I eventually learned, he was sleeping with these women. If I had listened to my instincts instead of trying to prove to everyone that I wasn’t “jealous,” that I was “cool,” I wouldn’t have wasted five years trying to make something unworkable work. I firmly believe that if you want to be true to someone, you will be true no matter what temptation is thrown in your path. Conversely, if a person wants to cheat, they will find a way. Part of remaining true involves honoring your relationship by not puttng yourself in a situation where it would be easy to cross a line. Attention from other people is flattering, but protecting your relationship needs to be more important. You can choose to walk away from temptation, or you can walk towards it. I am blown away by how bold some women were with my ex partner when they knew he was in a relationship, and I was blown away by some of the things guys would try to pull with me, right in front of him. Not everyone respects boundaries. Those people need to be shown the boundaries. Everything in life is about balance. I don’t ever want to be a person who sees shadows where none exist, but I also don’t want to be so naive as to believe that everyone’s motives are pure. Whenever I need a reality check, I ask myself if I would engage in the behavior I am questioning. In the case Ashley has described, would I ever ask a friend to let a married man know I had a crush on him? Absolutely not. Nothing good or honorable could come of that. We should all be showing the same respect for other relationships that we want shown for ours.

  176. The author came out of it with a blessing and knowledge about what her husband thinks about her and how much he values there relationship. he was offered the chance to cheat . but chose to tell her about it . he could have kept it secret but it would have looked worse if it had gotten back to his wife . he is a brave man man some of us would have just felt weird about it . as for the lady who announced she was interest know she should not be let off the hook . the author is right there was nothing to be gained by tell her husband she was interested . the was what Potifer wife did . I think the story might have ended differently if Joseph had told Potifer.

  177. I Just wanted to say thank you for writing this. I have recently had this same situation in my life. My now ex husband chose the other woman. It just fathoms me that they thought it was ok. I 100% agree with you on it. It Is Not ok!

  178. This BS happened to me before. I too dismissed it and when she was around at car shows etc she would tell me how pretty I was and how I reminded her of a prettier Megan Fox etc.
    Then one night she calls my now fiance very late claiming someone broke into her house and she needed help.
    I dont think it was as extravagant as she made it seem and I later stalked fb messages and saw there was a little flirting there.

    I believe just a little crush will eventually lead to more..cut it out as soon as possible.

  179. I disagree completely. If you have complete trust in your husband, your relationship, and both of your relationships with God, it shouldn’t matter who wants to get in the way of it. Your husband made a commitment to YOU. That female did not. It takes 2 people to have an Intimate relationship (physically, mentally or both) so if he’s the one who made the commitment to you that is HIS fault, not hers.

    • Cassiecassie911, no one who has an affair-physical or emotional- starts out with the intention of having one. I speak from personal experience as the daughter of a Christian Pastor who left his wife of 25 years and church with no warning because of another woman’s “harmless” crush. I place a great amount of responsibility (not all) on her flirtation, her calls for “counseling,” and her attention to a married man. What may have started as innocent turned into flattering a married man and chipped away at the weak spots in him and ultimately destroyed a marriage and a church. She has admitted that she new what she was doing and that she intentionally flirted with him because it made her feel good to have control. He admits that the attention from a young beautiful woman stroked his ego and devalued his marriage.

      It is ABSOLUTELY wrong for another woman to have a crush on a married man, but it’s even MORE wrong to admit it. If you aren’t constantly on your guard, then it doesn’t matter how committed you are. I know of countless Christian leaders (male and female) who have fallen to affairs. Some marriages have survived and others have not. But if you think the only person responsible should be the person who is married, then you are part of the problem. It is all of our responsibilities to protect the sanctity of marriage

      • Yes. Plenty of blame to go around. She shouldn’t have pursued him and he should have turned and ran. A reminder to guard our hearts always.

        • He did ‘turn and run’ so how is anyone to blame but the one who pursued and the one who sent the email for her?

    • I trust my husband but that doesn’t mean I will invite or allow someone to be a part if our lives that displays unhealthy behaviors. Just because a husband can be trusted doesn’t mean he should be subjected to individuals that show a lack if respect for marriage and neither should I. She did the right thing. She addressed the less than acceptable behavior with those involved, forgave and moved on. That is turning the other cheek and creating healthy boundaries. Ignoring or allowing bad behavior is consent to allow it to happen. Sometimes people need to be given boundaries if they haven’t learned them in their own their own.

    • Complete trust in your spouse is wonderful. Discussing it openly is, too. This isn’t a matter of worrying about your husband giving in to temptation. It’s a matter of bringing it out into the light for discussion, further shoring up the marriage. When these things happen, and they will, it’s a wonderful opportunity to address it together and address it with the temptress. She was wrong, not addressing it would have surely given her hope that she had opened the door even a little. Men who don’t know how to handle this or are afraid to tell their wives often get into a situation they never saw coming. I’m very happy this couple dealt with this as they did.

  180. I believe this story is more about women, we should have more respect for each other, and know that God would never send you someone else’s husband. If you can take a man away from his wife, then someone else can and will take him for you.

  181. When I was in pharmacy school a friend of mine told me that one of the medical school students had asked her if I was married, when she said yes, he then asked her to ask me if I fooled around. I was horrified. She pointed him out and I was even more horrified because he had been creepily following me around for two years and through two schools! Several times a week I would turn around and there he was. I never spoke to him, not once. When I became pregnant (by my husband) my last year of school he and his friends started staring at me and soon after he drove his car into the path of a train and died. After that his med school friends gave me mean looks all year. So nooooooo, crushes on a married person are not ok and sometimes border on obsession. This guy acted this way without ever having spoken to me, creepy.

  182. The real point of this blog is not Ashley’s husband or the quality of their marital relationship. The point is, when did it become acceptable to throw yourself at a married man, and what kind of friend enables that by being the go-between? Of course, people of all stripes feel attracted to other people, married or not. But as civilized, moral people we should strive to curb our behavior. Ashley is right–what was the woman’s point of revealing her crush except to hopefully “start something” with the man? And what about the go-between acting as match-maker? I’m glad she confronted this, sending a message that she is willing to protect her marriage, even if it means shedding a former friend.

  183. This is a wonderful blog! People forget the sanctity of marriage and think it doesn’t matter anymore. I am thankful you stood up for this and did not accept it. I saw a comment below that the lady that had the crush is not a fault but I disagree. Lusting after another womens husband is wrong and trying to lead him astry is also wrong and extremely disrespectful! Thank you for sharing! Hopefully this will give other women the courage to stand up and speak out when something like us happens to them!

  184. Happened to me and my hubby of just past our 9 yr anniversary how do people claim they even have a soul at all when they do this because there straight evil souls of Satan that bitch wanted to split u up trust me its not OK for her to do that evil hating jealous Satan bitchs

  185. I completely agree! I’m not married yet but I am engaged and the end where you wrote “it is simply because your morals have already been shown to be questionable and because you cannot be trusted” stuck with me. I constantly say that about a girl my fiancé is friends with. She got mad at her boyfriend and asked mine to come get her to “hang out”. He didn’t know her boyfriend was in town till he showed up to get her and then they went to dinner and she took coupley pictures with my man just to piss off hers. I found that very disrespectful to her boyfriend and to me. She has never shown me respect and I am nice to her while she is around and I’ve forgiven her for her crazy stunts but I will never trust her.

    • I say forgive her then keep her out of your life. She’s crossing boundaries and has no respect for you or your relationship. Fiancee needs to step up and end the friendship. It’s completely inappropriate. Who knows what she’ll try if she isn’t put in check.

  186. I got married young, and my husband at the time treated me horribly. We lived at my mom’s house saving up money, and 18 days after we finally got our own apartment he started cheating on me! It was worse than cheating, he brought the girl (cough harlet) to our house and would kiss her right in front of me!

    So after a while of trying to work that out, we got a divorce. I’m honestly glad that all happened to me because I married the wrong person and now I am with an amazing man :). But that shows how destructive those kinds of things can be.

    • Ugh! I’m so sad that happened. I’m also so thankful you found a wonderful man who loves and cherishes you!

  187. We were married for 9 years and had 3 children. It happened to me. A so called friend, our babysitter, I could tell by the way she looked at him. In my case, however the crush was reciprocal. After realizing and my husband not coming clean, months passed, We let our marriage die. Trying to avoid him breaking my heart, I moved on with my life, developed a crush of my own, and asked for a divorce. It was only then that he confirmed my suspicions. They had “inappropriate feelings for each other, but were trying to do the right thing”. He asked me to come back a few times, but they had started dating, as soon as, I moved out. Why would I go back? If he had truly wanted me, he wouldn’t have replaced me so quickly. I am remarried now, and they are married.

  188. Forgiveness doesn’t mean allowing a threat, or untrustworthy person back into your life. The woman who offered sex to my hubby while I was out of town has been forgiven but she’s certainly not welcome in our home and spending time with her on any level just isn’t gonna happen. Inviting her back into our lives would be foolish and it would definitely send her the wrong message.

  189. I am super shocked at the “so what” responses of women here. She and her hubby dealt with it together. This leaves no question on the part of other women that he and his wife are committed to one another and that no secrets exist in their marriage. That’s how this is done!

  190. Does a coach critique the referee’s bad call if they know they win the game in the end? It is not the role of Christians to pass judgment, as we leave that to God and persist with our faith in His plan.

    • Who’s passing judgement? There is a huge difference between judgement and observation. If my friend tried to interfere with my marriage , our friendship would be over. I’ll forgive her. But allowing her another opportunity to behave inappropriately is akin to hiring a shark to babysit my baby.

      • But marriage isn’t the purpose of your existance, at least not from my understansing of the Word. You have given your friend conditional forgiveness, and if we are to soak in the undeserving grace of our Lord then we aren’t in the right place to give grace to those who only deserve it. These “sharks” you’re referring to are human beings, and the same types of sinners that Jesus spent his time with.

        • Forgiving someone doesn’t make them or guarantee that they will change. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to let them stay in your life and potentially continue to harm you. As for judgement, we *are* called to be discerning. We aren’t called to be ostriches or doormats or fools.

          If a person molested your children, then you/your children forgave them, would you really just let that person take the children to the park or an overnight camping trip because, well… you forgave them and now you don’t want to “judge” their motives??

          Christians are called to look at situations and make choices based on those situations/people/behaviors, etc… *We* don’t get to pass the judgement on someone’s soul – that is certainly God’s business, but we aren’t called to be foolish and stupid either.

          And no, marriage isn’t the “purpose” for a Christian’s existence. A Christian’s ultimate purpose is to glorify God and enjoy him forever. Part of fulfilling that purpose, however, is having a Godly focused marriage when you are married. (Not everyone is called to marriage) Marriage, according to the bible, is a picture of the relationship between Christ and his bride – the Church. That is why Christians should take is much more seriously.

          • Showing love and grace to those who don’t deserve it is certainly “foolish” and “stupid” if you don’t understand what has been done for you. Christians should always act out of love, even when it trumps rational thought. It certainly would be stupid for a perfect man to die on the cross for a bunch of sinners, don’t you think? Luke 6: 28-30, Luke 14: 12-14, Matthew 19: 21-35, 1 Corintheans 13

    • I’m so over the ridiculous misuse of “judging”.

      Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. (‭Galatians‬ ‭6‬:‭1‬ NIV)

      If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. (‭Matthew‬ ‭18‬:‭15‬ NIV)

      My brothers and sisters, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring that person back, 20 remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sins. (‭James‬ ‭5‬:‭19-20‬ NIV)

      In this world we ALL have to protect our marriages. With each day that passes it’s one less day the enemy has to kill, steal & destroy and he’s on a war path it seems.

  191. I think that its not just about you, and your husband in a situation like this, but it is also about the other person involved here. Notice how I didn’t address them as “the other woman” or any sort of stereotypical term that could have been used. I say this, though, to note, This person is indeed a person. A human being, and I’ll be damned to think that their feelings do not matter. To tell your husband may not have been the proper way to go or to handle the situation, and I definitely disagree with them having gone through someone else to do so. However, If you don’t be honest with the people around you, it will almost certainly make the situation worse than it could be if you just told the truth. Does God not want us to be honest and kind to our neighbors, friends and family? Does God not see fit that all of his children make healthy decisions regarding their own lives? Here’s exactly how I view this. The truth hurts, but it is better to know the truth than it is to hide it, and eventually, cause the situation to be worse. Had I not been honest with my then best friend, when I told him I was in love with him, despite him being in a relationship at the time, I wouldn’t be with him as his fiance today. My being honest wasn’t to break up his relationship, and it didn’t. It was to be honest with myself and with him to avoid later trouble. We stopped speaking with each other for a month or more after that, and it was later that I found out he’d broken up with her for reasons irrelevant to this post. I don’t agree with this. I understand being upset about it, but thats when you deal with it Privately, not publicly and address the situation to resolve it, even if the friendships cannot be saved.
    Be honest with yourself, your significant others, your friends and family, and however much it may hurt to do so or may hurt them, know that this is what establishes trust with others.
    I lost my mother at 17, just last year. I may not seem like it, but I’ve learned a lot from a woman who proved she could do more than anyone ever thought she could. And honesty is one thing you had to have with her, and everyone I was raised around. If you disagree, please do not be hateful about it. I respect all other opinions on this post, however I have the right to give mine as well as you all. Thank you all, and may God bless you every day.

    • I agree with you. Sadly it has to be said. I don’t think it should be hidden. Lying out of omission does not make you trustworthy and honest. And it can mean happiness if someone isn’t happy.

  192. Not every flirtation ends is infidelity. But no infidelity ever happened that didn’t begin with a flirtation. It would have taken no special gift of imagination for the interloper to have guessed that an affair with the author’s husband was as likely to follow as it would be that he might reject her.

    It takes an extraordinary kind of immaturity (and a sense of entitled self indulgence and a lack of empathy) to set a thing that has consequences in motion, while pretending not to have intended any of the likely outcomes. Nothing about the initial email speaks of a woman who is willing to own her own actions. Once the author knew she was dealing with this kind of person, she was right to make the boundaries of what she would tolerate clear. I’m glad for the author that she’s forgiven this woman. But forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation.

    As for whatever lack of trust the author should or shouldn’t have in her husband…we, after much growth and evidence, may learn to trust God without question. However faithful and committed the author’s husband may be (and he does sound like a treasure) he is not God, he’s a person. No one of us is above temptation, no adult should give another person the kind of trust we aspire to have in God. In fact, all of us (including the author’s husband) benefit from knowing the limits others will tolerate.

    When this happened to me, my husband was at a particularly vulnerable place in life. He was flattered enough to let it go on far too long. So embarrassing that he hesitated to break cleanly. While it continued, he shared things with her about our marriage that are usually kept between husband and wife. The woman felt confident to discuss and make judgements about me, without ever having met me. All the while, deliberate effort was made to keep this secret from me. The specialness their friendship took on made it embarrassing and difficult to break it off cleanly when I found out.

    Between the two of them, at some point there was a discussion that a
    little outside harmless fun is good for a marriage. Nothing about how
    their little fun played out in my home proves that to me.

    The relationship didn’t culminate in an affair, but the definition of our marriage changed. I don’t assume without question that my husband is always on my side. He has to know that he is not the man he meant to be to me when we married. I reserve something of myself now, that I gave freely before. My husband feels it’s absence. There are places we avoid now, only so that we won’t have to have a conversation beforehand where I say “Don’t put me in a position to be humiliated” with the understanding that I will do what I need to do to take care of myself.

  193. I read the story, I read a few comments (that I’m completely shocked by) and personally I think this blog speaks volumes of your great character, wisdom and power of your faith as a wife and christian. It takes a true person to stand by your faith through trials and tribulations. Your blog is inspiring to women and I think you handle things in a very mature way. I applaud you for that :). It’s even more inspiring for you to forgive this person (s). Personally, I hold on to things, unfortunately, and even though mistakes were made years ago… i still struggle greatly with forgiveness and pray about it daily. You always here “let go and let God” but that’s easier said than done. Your faith and respect for yourself, husband and others is a very amazing thing! Thanks for sharing your story!
    God Bless!!!

  194. Good for you! To others that brought up the topic of Christianity, Ashley being a Christian was not the issue. The issue here is that another woman was making it a point to let Ashley’s husband know that she was interested in him. Shame on her. Ashley, your feelings were justified. You are a married woman that respects the sacred bond of marriage. You hit it on the nail when you mentioned Integrity. Kudos to your husband for rejecting her advances and also for you as you handled this situation with a level head.

  195. This is a great article. I am a single, Christian woman. I can’t think
    of any good reason to let a married man know that you have a crush on
    him. And to think that you could continue to be friends afterward as
    though nothing had happened is ridiculous. You are blessed to have a
    wonderful marriage, and thank you for making others think!

  196. Good post, especially since, for the most part, she focused on the woman’s actions, not her feelings. I don’t think we can help who we feel attracted to. It’s difficult, if not impossible, to make yourself stop feeling what you feel for another person. From my own experience, the only thing a person really can do about an inappropriate attraction is to refuse to act on it. We can, however, help how we act. Maybe the woman didn’t choose to have feelings for the author’s husband, and just the feelings in and of themselves don’t make her a bad person. But she did have a choice in telling him, because, as the OP said, what did she hope to accomplish by telling him?

  197. She also added a little bit of poison to his mind. Whenever you fight or he’s feeling down she will always be in the back of his mind. That’s what she wanted to make herself known in his mind. To make it know that should anything happen she is there. Disgusting.

  198. My marriage was ruined by just that, a simple crush on my husband and she refused to give up until she got what she wanted. Worse? She ruined my kids having a family..their father. I could NOT have said this better myself! Great work!

  199. Very good post, the only thing I have to suggest is that if this woman is not a christian then the 10 commandments don’t not “apply” to her in her mind the way the commandments “apply” to us. She may very well not even know any of the 10 commandments. Only in our minds is she breaking and commandments/laws.

  200. Three months before my wedding my fiancée ex started calling him and texting him telling him she loved him and wanted to work things out and said she missed him. I too was not ok with this. It was very upsetting for me to know this lady was trying to ruin every thing that we have built together. Luckily for me, my now husband, is faithful to his beliefs and religion and informed her he was in love with me and was going to marry me. I understand you can have a crush on someone but if they are married and have a family it is completely wrong or even if they are committed and unmarried it’s wrong. It makes you wonder is some people even have morals. May God help them find their way if their souls have been lost.

    • 3 Months before! That’s insane… She’d call my hubby after midnight, and ask him to come pick her up cause she was driving home drunk, and he wouldn’t, but he’d stay on the phone to make sure she got home safe…
      She did call me the week before the wedding to tell me about all his SINS… Thankfully, she stopped calling, texting and harrassing us both about 6 months into our marriage.

  201. My husband is a paramedic in the Army, working at the local base’s hospital. And he see’s women all the time coming in with issues and begging that their spouse not be informed of their visit, due to cheating. I find it so sad that our country’s service members often trust their brothers in arms more than their own spouses. As an Army wife, I have learned that a wedding band, a marriage, children, and even a firm “I’m happily married” will not deter most women from seeking pleasures outside of their marriage, and instead try to find them within mine. Now, I am a special case. I was raised by God fearing, down to earth, southerners. I was bred with respect and loyalty. And I understand that now days most women are not, but to have the audacity to tell ME that MY husband looks “very sexy” in his uniform is insane. To then further throw yourself at him, whether I am in attendance or not, is highly disrespectful. Granted, my husband and I are a very special couple. I married a man 11 months into our relationship who had a deep hatred for romance and all things female, and who had sworn not two years before to never marry. Now, at 22 years old, my husband is happily.married to a loyal and loving wife, and exploring the possibility of a baby. But when women hit on him, in public, it’s harsh. Army wives are a culture all our own. We make tribes almost, and our tribes are loyal to no one but our own. I usually try to avoid such groupings. BUT I do have friends, who DO tell me when you’re Desperate self decides to sink your claws into my fine husband. Now, at 18, my jealousy may run a bit deeper than some. I am protective of that which is mine, especially the man I have chosen to spend my life with. I trust him wholeheartedly and have no doubt he will turn you down, however your approach will depend on if it is done smoothly or if it will soon bite you in the butt. (Army men are loyal to their brothers. They will tell on the wife!) My husband is loyal to me, and I have no qualms about him being surrounded by other women, because I know where his heart lies.But the second you put your grubby paws on my husband is the second I step in.

    I am beyond sick of women not understanding that a marriage means back off, EVEN IF the husband approached you. If you know he is married, have some self respect and don’t lower yourself to a level of “home wrecker”. I honestly feel bad for guys, because they have had to deal with this very same thing since the beginning of time. “Yes, that pretty woman you are hitting on is my wife. Now leave.” But nowadays it seems women are more open to degrading themselves. I find it sad when women I know are married hit on my husband. Because I AM the kind of woman who WILL tell your spouse.

  202. I believe I would respond the same way if not worse. When my husband and I were dating (but it was obviously leading to marriage) his ex emailed him to “reminisce”. I jumped on that computer and put her on blast, saying he was in a happy, loving, serious relationship and had made so many new memories with the loooove of his life he had no memories of her remaining to reminisce over. however my husband and I believe people of the opposite sex can’t be close friends and shouldn’t be put in tempting situations.

    • I feel like this came out of my own mouth! Lol…..I don’t believe opposite sex’s can be close friends without feelings getting in the way….I mean how do most relationships start??? That’s how mine did!….his ex and a few random girls tried to make him stray but it was an epic fail to say the least

  203. My ex-boyfriend and I both moved on in life. We both married other people and have kids. We have remained friends all these years and chat on FB from time to time. He was my first and I still care for and will always have feelings for him. My husband passed away nearly 3 years ago. I would take my ex back in a heartbeat.

    • I hope you mean “I would take him back in a heartbeat IF he were still available, but he’s not and I respect his marriage.” Otherwise, your post doesn’t really fit here. I would suggest you figure out what traits make this guy “take – back – worthy,” and keep them in mind as you consider other men to date and potentially marry. 🙂

  204. Ashley, you spoke truth. Married & single women need to be informed about topics like this one. Sadly, our nation has become desensitized regarding moral values. Thank our Heavenly Father for teaching the truth in His Word, & leaving (to each born-again believer) The Counselor to help guide us. Sin starts with wrong thinking. This is where we need to nip it in the bud, which is what you did. I too, was faced with a situation where a young co-worker decided my (former) husband of 22 years, was her night in shining armor. He succumbed to the flattery & attention, began a three year affair with her, & literally lost everything that truly matters — his wife, the respect of his sons, his home. All that he once held dear was changed forever for a relationship based on sin that didn’t last. Thankfully, forgiveness was God’s saving grace re: his relationship with his sons, plus he & I have forgiven one another for both are shortcomings. But because he didn’t make an effort to prove himself to be a changed man…the man God created him to be, after five years of separation the divorce was finalized. I wouldn’t have survived the brokenness if not for God’s love, mercy, grace, & promise to never leave nor forsake me. My Lord had a new beginning for me in women’s ministry & a new godly Christian husband to love me in a way I never experienced before. Has it been an easy journey…no. Lot’s of growing pains, but once I surrendered to God & became a Christ follower, God has been equipping me to serve Him according to His will & purpose. When we trust & acknowledge our Lord, He will direct our paths. Proverbs 3:5-6. Thank you, Ashley. God bless.

  205. When I was 15, I had a huge crush on the dad of the kids that I babysat. That being said, I would have NEVER acted on it. He was very attractive and he knew it. When he was the one to come home first (when his wife wasn’t there), he would walk around without his shirt on. He also would always volunteer to be the one to take me home. He never hit on me but would say little subtle things to me. While I was flattered, I let him know that I had a boyfriend that I loved and would rave about how wonderful his wife was. My parents had taught me how sacred marriage was and thankfully instilled morals in me.

    My husband is very attractive and is has a job in management. He controls hiring and promotions. He deals with flirting on a daily basis. Thankfully he is VERY trustworthy and a Christian. I don’t expect him to tell me about every time a woman flirts with him but he does tell me when someone goes just too far.

    The reason I am saying this is because I’ve been on both sides of the fence. I completely agree with what this article says. She has every right to feel this way toward that woman and to discontinue their friendship. I knew that the crush I had on the dad was wrong. I’m very thankful for the upbringing I had and the positive influence my parents had in my life. While my husband has had several women let him know they are interested, he has let them know that he is not. I think it’s completely disrespectful to try and pursue a married man. It seems as though a lot of people no longer look at marriage as the sacred thing that it is.

  206. I completely agree with this. Also, if the husband’s soul is so easily lead astray (let us not forget that cheating is a two-way street. This is not Eve tempting Adam but a fully capable adult making a decision that will affect his entire family) then he will probably do the same to you. Convictions are convictions and if you don’t have them for your first family, you won’t have them for your next relationship.

  207. Writing about her causes you more stress than you need. Worry about your husband. That’s all you need to do. It won’t matter what they say to him, it’s what’s he says. In that, you have trust. I’ve been worth a habitual cheater. Lost my marriage over that, and I’ve found out that there will always be women who don’t careyou. They only care about themselves. Worrying about them is wasteful.

  208. Been there done that. I prefer not to go into detail about my situation other than to say, with God all things are possible.
    I do however want to ask a question. For me it has been over a year ago. I learned during that both of her marriages were a result of her cheating with them WHILE they were married. I also learned that before us, there was a situation with a married preacher she tried this with. AND since mine, another wife messaged me to tell me that this woman had tried to do this to her. Also that the husband & this woman moved in together at one point. Praise God, her husband is now home.
    I am a Christian, & I believe in forgiveness. My faith & my husband’s has gotten us here, now, together about 20 years. My question is this, how can I forgive this woman? She is still out doing the devil’s work. We live in a small town. Everybody knows everybody’s business. Her grown kids don’t even want to be around her. I get angry every time I see her or her name is mentioned in something. She was posting scripture on FB & in church every time the doors open. I was even at a revival at one point & she was there. I prayed with her children when they went to the alter. We were also on an Emmaus Walk together, the week before I found out she was trying to steal my husband. My family has moved on. My husband & I are great. But I haven’t forgiven her. Not sure I can.

    • Hi Tammy! When I was thinking this whole situation over and dealing with my feelings on the matter there was one thing I had to keep reminding myself of over and over and over again…we are all sinners.

      It helped me to remember that everyone struggles with their own personal feelings and many struggle with feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, self-loathing, depression, anxiety, low self-worth, etc. Yes, this woman may be repeating the same behaviors over and over and she may be committing the same sins over and over but don’t we all have something specific that we continually struggle with? Lust? Anger? Gluttony? Drinking to excess? Swearing or Foul Language? Impatience?

      Perhaps this woman, with her obvious conflicts between the faith of her heart and the behaviors of her life, is in greater need of prayer than we realize. Is it hard? Absolutely. It’s an extreme challenge to put aside our personal feelings and offer forgiveness but please try. Forgive her for her behavior toward you and pray that God moves in her the way that she needs to move into life where her behavior isn’t negatively impacting those around her.

    • Simply put, you gotta let it go and let God! He is the one that is in charge. He is the only one allowed to judge. Not us, because as we judge, we will be judged.

  209. This happen to me! But it was to late, she was already blind to the marriage and our son! The punk used reglion and they both did not see anything wrong. But I know in my heart was also true to the marriage. But it is up to gd to decide what my direction is now in life.

  210. This happened to me as well. My [now ex] boyfriend, father of my twin toddlers, was pursued by an [ex]childhood friend (from out-of-state) that I’ve known since we were 4 years old. She is “Christian”. When I read her really sexual Facebook messages to him, I politely asked her to stop messaging him on Facebook, and SHE was appalled! She couldn’t fathom how I’d request such a thing. She said she wouldn’t message him on Facebook anymore… she was right, she decided to start texting him instead. They started talking on June 12th. By the 28th her mouth hadn’t gotten any cleaner. July 5th, she convinced him to leave our 3 year and 8 month relationship. July 11th, they told each other via Facebook that they loved one another, having never met. She finally came up here in August to meet him after going into debt to do so. She was just up here this weekend to celebrate my exes birthday with him, and used the death of a dear mutual loved one, to excuse herself from work. Everything you wrote in the beginning, all of those questions. This female had the nerve to tell me she looked forward to raising my kids back then. When presented with the opportunity the other day to watch our children (since she had time to rifle through my belongings in my home), she didn’t want anything to do with it. She only wanted the man to the family she broke up… not the family.

  211. Similar situation happened to me too. My husband and i have been married for 28 years. We have 3 grown children 3 grandchildren and 2 more due anytime now. We were on our way to a happily ever after. We are both born again Christians. We have a great family and we had awesome friends that we did everything with. We had a perfect marriage and a perfect family. Ok if you believe that you have lost your mind. We were told by all our friends that we had the fairy tale life. The perfect marriage. Great kids. Godly family that were faithful in our church. We traveled often and spent quality time with our family and friends. We had the home the cars. We had everything we wanted with great careers and so on. We had some problems in our daily life but nothing i felt we were not able to handle on our own. All I can say is beware. I had no clue what was about to happen 2 years ago this month. We had a family that we were friends with for many years. Our children were all the same age. Our youngest daughters were only 5 days apart in age. They had been friends since 2nd grade and they are 21 years old now. They had shared their birthdays, their sweet 16th party, they had prom together, we had their graduation party at the same time, we vacationed together & we spent every holiday together. We had so much in common. We were bffs. My so called BFF was in a marriage going down the drain. I found out from the husband that his wife and my husband were seeing each other and possibly having an affair. My life as I knew it was over forever. Without all the details of my reaction needless to say I went off on my husband. I had to have my children come calm me down as I was about to break the commandment of “thou shall not kill”. I found out over the next 2 years of back & forth questions & answers that the relationship had not gone all the way to a full blown sex affair but in God’s eyes and in mine it was close enough. I ask my husband to leave and I was filing for a divorce. This went on for 2 very long years. We were on and off for the next 2 years. I knew it was wrong to divorce but my heart said to do it. I confronted the EX Friend and told her to tell me every little detail. I had to hear it from her. She told me everything. She said that it just happened & she didn’t mean for it to happen but it did. She said that she was in love with my husband. Ok so you think I’m going to break that commandment again, Right? Well I didnt. What’s so sad is that I actually felt sorry for her as I knew her situation but not sorry enough to give her my husband. I being the Christian that I am did all i could to keep from beating the you know what out of her. I told her to leave my husband alone and to never contact him ever again. I said if you do I’m coming after you. Well it went on as I said for 2 years. I went into a deep depression. I didnt want to work and i lost much needed income. I stopped eating. I lost 4 pant sizes and was skin & bone. I forgave both him & her and decided to move on with my life. My husband has since come back to me and ask for my forgiveness. Yes I did forgive him as a Christian should do. We are trying to work on our marriage. It is hard even though they didn’t actually have sex it still hurts me. I lost friends (so called friends). We left our church as a result of this therefore leaving all the friends I had behind. I lost trust in my husband i lost respect for my husband and i have lost the love that I once had for him. Ladies it’s NOT ok to go after another woman’s husband. I can say first hand it HURTS EVERYONE involved. Please stay away from a married man or married woman. Please do NOT get too close to anyone like we did. Its not healthy for any marriage. Keep your friends & relationships at a good distance. Dont think that by being around friends that you are safe. The devil knows your weakness and he is looking for every way to destroy the family. I hope that someone is encouraged from my post. God is still in control. God bless. Malinda

    • I am so sorry that you went through that, but being through what I have been through, you are so wrong about it not being healthy for your marriage to be close to another couple. Actually, it is very healthy. It does not always turn out that way. It is the friends that you turn to for support, as well as God and the church. Wow!

  212. I wouldn’t be surprised if anyone had a crush on my husband: d-uh, he’s a catch, that’s why i married him! So that someone was tempted to be attracted or to pursue a relationship with him would not be surprising; however, the NERVE of conspiring to let him know… THAT is the problem. The idea of someone sending out a probe to see if he would be interested in an affair. It makes perfect sense to me that you cut that friendship off, as that person can no longer be trusted, at least not now. It’s good that you were able to confront and forgive, but that doesn’t mean you can or should reconcile.

  213. I had a similar situation happen to me! I was pregnant with our 3rd son and he had a heart defect. I had to deliver him in another state that could do the 3 stage heart sugery. My husband and I hired our kids teacher to watch then after school until my husband got off work! My son passed away at two months old waiting for a new heart. After the funeral the teacher started texting my husband saying if he needed a shoulder to cry on she was there for him! She told him I was going through enough! He shared all the text messages with me and I did call her out! Her words to me were: I am so sorry! I told her she preyed on my family and our loss! She told me that 90% of marriages don’t last due to loss of a child!!!! Needless to say we transferred our boys out of that school! My husband and I are happily married and have been together for 19 years! I’m glad my husband told me about this teacher and we worked through it! I know a lot of couples that have divorced after losing a child but it brought us closer!!!

    • My mouth literally dropped open reading your comment. I’m not married but what on earth is wrong with people? ! How could anyone be so bold, so disrespectful and so ugly?!!!

      • This happened three years ago. We tried to stay in the school but it was a small town school and we were new to it! We told the principal. Things got bad for my kids. The teacher had her son and other kids bully my boys! We got a emergency transfer and pulled them last October! Their new school is about a 25 minute drive but a blessing they took them in! They are very happy and that’s all that matters to me! It is sad that people can be so cruel!

  214. No one should ever pursue a married individual. I just wanted to share my thought about the “crush-ers” knowledge of the incident. The “crush-er” may or may not have been aware of her friend’s intentions. I say this from a personal experience regarding a single individual. I had informed a friend that I found one of her single, male, friends attractive. I had no intentions towards/about him, and I thought my comment to my friend was between she and I. Later on, I received a message from the individual on a social media website. He was flattered and contacted me; however, I was devastated. I am a very shy individual, and I didn’t want him to know. I felt like my friend had betrayed me and my trust, by telling him something I believed to be confidential. I did confront her about it, and from that point forward, I didn’t tell her anything that I wanted to keep confidential.

  215. Preaching to the choir. I lost my husband and family because a “friend” began expressing to my husband how great she thought he was. She even accompanied us to church as a family “friend” along with her 2 daughters. No it is not ok, yes her character has been revealed and NO she is not to be awarded any amount of trust in regards to your husband or family. I now know to call a spade a spade, not to hold back and that this is just one more of Satan’s games to break down what God ordained. Blog away…..this needs to be retold, to warn good Christian ladies (and men) of the dangers that appear harmless. This is not about forgivness, but trust. Thanks for writing. Someone certainly will gain strength from this to protect their marriage and home. These homewreckers need to move on cause we are not going to stand by and take it. Bless their hearts…

  216. I just wonder, why didn’t your husbands’ friend stop this woman? If she’s a friend, she had to know he’s married. Why send an email in the first place? Why not just say, “sorry “Betty” but he’s married.”

  217. This was GREAT!!! Thank you for sharing. I’m so glad that your husband chose to be open and honest with you.
    I had to approach my husband about a female co-worker. She was sending him several text messages on a daily basis. She worked on his team so they were located in the same place which made no sense to me as to why she couldn’t just ask him the questions face to face. She had even begun to occasionally text him when they were not at work. I finally confronted him and asked hin to talk to her. I told him that if he didn’t talk to her, I would do it for him. He didn’t like that idea because it would embarrass him. I gave him the opportunity to talk to her and the texting did slow to an appropriate level. I explained to my husband that I was not accusing him of any wrong doing but that this woman was going through a divorce, was very vulnerable, and may perceive his attention as something more than it was. I also explained that I could tell the first time I met her that she had a crush on him because of the way in which she would talk about him. Although I wasn’t her biggest fan, to say the least, I didn’t want this woman to be hurt by allowing herself to fall for someone that was unavailable. I told my husband that by texting and keeping those lines open he was allowing her to believe there may be something between them. He had never thought of it that way. He just looked at it as he was texting “one of the guys on his team” so what’s the big deal. He thanked me for giving him that point of view. He would never want to betray my trust nor potentially hurt his co-worker.

    That being said, it is easy for us to blame the “other woman” when an affair happens but we really need to place the blame on the one in the relationship with us. THEY are supposed to be committed to our relationship. This other person owes us nothing. Do not get me wrong, I wouldn’t let them off the hook completely nor will we be new BFFs, but no one “forced” our spouse/boyfriend to have an affair. They should have said no. Point blank. Period.

  218. I had a very similar situation to this, ironically enough, it surfaced exactly 1 year ago today… The day I saw your blog! This has been one of the most stressful situations we have ever endured! It is all the things you mentioned and then some! We are still not totally through it, possibly because of the differences in our story, but we too are Christians, fighting for the sanctity of our union. My husband means the world to me, he’s worth fighting for! Thank you for your post!

  219. I would be hurt terribly if this happened to me. I am sorry that you had to go through this. When a man or woman takes the vows of holy matrimony people need to know that means off limits!!

  220. I was married to a man who gave in to temptation more than once. All of the women knew he was married. I blame both parties. I know two of the women turned to my ex husband when they were unhappy in their own marriage (they should have been talking to their husbands not mine and my ex should have told them that very thing). I also finally divorced him after 16 painful years, it was against my faith, but I just could not live that way any more. Good for your husband that he resisted the temptation!