Something happened a few weeks ago that I have debated back-and-forth about whether or not to share here on Honey & Pine. At first I thought it was a private matter, but the more heavily it has weighed on me the more I feel the need to share and explain my feelings on the matter. I needed to explain why a woman’s crush on my husband is not ok.
It all started one evening when my husband shared with me an e-mail he had received. A female friend had e-mailed him saying that a friend of hers had a crush on him. There was more to the message (harmless informative content that is entirely irrelevant to this post) but that is the part that stood out. My husband responded with a note that the crush is flattering but that he is happily married and deeply in love with his wife. The female friend said she understood and the conversation ended.
Within minutes the ‘friend’ with the crush e-mailed my husband apologizing and hoping the friendship could continue without being awkward.
We thought, “Oh, of course the friendship can continue without being awkward. Everything is ok. It was just a harmless message.” It would have and should have been ok, but it wasn’t because it just didn’t stop.
Within days of her “apology” she began sending my husband new messages seeking out new reasons for needing him to see her. Her messages included:
- Wanting him to meet her just to hang out
- Needing his support for her life hardships
but it was the final message, the one that contained the inappropriate dirty innuendos and asked him to meet her at a hotel while I was at the office during the day (my husband worked remote from home at the time) that made me finally lose it. Each time she contacted him to meet up, my husband told her no and warned her that it was inappropriate given the earlier confession of feelings. Each time she contacted him, he told me.
Yet, she continued to persist until finally the friendship ended. Cut off. Completely. Goodbye.
When my husband first told me about the initial e-mail, I had smiled thinking it was cute someone had a crush on him and I dismissed it. It didn’t taken long though before I started wondering, “Why did she tell him? What was the goal here? What was she trying to accomplish?”
Now, there are those who will respond with, “But she didn’t tell him! Her friend did!” but I don’t believe, not for a single moment, that this woman was not fully aware that my husband was being informed of her crush on him. I believe that she knew her friend was telling my husband, and when he rejected her crush, immediately jumped online to e-mail him an apology. Not to mention there were all of the follow-ups…
I have a problem with it. It’s not ok and here’s why:
What is the Goal?
Why would she tell a married man that she has a crush on him? What’s the goal? What is she hoping to accomplish? If she wants a relationship with him, she has to realize that means he would have to leave his wife for her, right? She would be destroying a family.
If she is seeking an affair, she would be ok with the lies and the deceit that accompany that decision?
Why Tempt His Faith?
I include this because I know, due to the friendship, that she does indeed claim to be a woman of faith and she is well aware that both my husband and I are devoted to our faith. It upsets me that she would have such little regard for our faith and place my husband in a situation where he may be tempted to break both the 10th and the 7th commandments. He is strong in his faith, and never considered adultery, but I resent her trying to place temptation in his path.
10th – “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife (or husband as in my case), nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.”
7th – “You shall not commit adultery.”
Why would she try to willingly and knowingly lead a husband away from both his wife and his God? Her lust for another woman’s husband has the potential to ruin his marriage, damage both his and his wife’s hearts and lives, and lead his soul astray.
Expressing her crush on my husband is disrespectful, not only to me but to the sanctity of our marriage.
I could let it go if she didn’t know he was married but she did. She was ‘friends’ with us both! How classless and immoral to not only express those inappropriate feelings for a man with a wife, but to also display no respect for his wife or his marriage? Was she thinking he would keep it from me? Did she hope that they would continue a secret friendship or that she would somehow become closer or more important to my husband than I am?
Of course I understand how a woman could have feelings for my husband. He’s amazing – kind, considerate, romantic, compassionate, encouraging, intelligent, humorous, etc. He’s wonderful and I know I’m lucky to have him. But, he’s married which gives you no right to actively pursue him.
So, do I have a problem with her and her crush? Yes, I absolutely do. It doesn’t matter now if her feelings change, if she moves on to someone else, if she says she’s no longer interested because her morals have already been shown to be questionable and she cannot be trusted. Despite how much I trust my husband, I cannot trust someone who actively attempts to breakdown our marriage.
*Update* – When I first wrote this post I wrote it as a way of expressing my feelings on a message my husband had received. I had no idea that it would generate so much attention or that I would receive so many e-mails from women who have been in a similar situation or who lost their husbands to another woman. I would just like to say to everyone – THANK YOU – for visiting, sharing my story, commenting, for e-mailing me and/or for subscribing. Please, come over and connect with me on Facebook or Twitter. I love to interact with everyone and I’d really love if you stayed around.
*Update 2* – While the friendship can never be restored there is peace and forgiveness on the part of all parties involved.
Ladies, how would you react if someone had a crush on your husband? Would you be ok with it? How would you have responded if you were in my situation?
Check out one of my favorite marriage resources – The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by John Gottman Ph.D.