HAPPY AUGUST. I missed writing a Cherish: July post last month due to our move and, frankly, just forgetting so bear with me while I double up on this one to fill you all in on life lately. My last life update was in June when I mentioned that we were moving to St. Louis, MO for my career. It’s been a huge change and it took me longer than expected to really feel settled in. We were in a hotel for a while waiting for our home to be ready to move into, my career required a big change in job responsibilities and I had to learn a new software system, Brandon’s struggling through his benzo withdrawals, and even the little things like finding a new hair stylist and favorite grocery store have added up to quite a bit of stress. It’s been a struggle, for sure.
Brandon and I chose “Cherish” as our word of the year for 2018; at the beginning of each month I’m sharing a check-in to update you on how we’re living our word of the year. Our goal is to stay focused on taking time to appreciate where we are in life and being content with our day-to-day.
This transition has been hard on me and I’ve started seeing a therapist via mobile app twice a week for about the last month or month and a half to work through some things and get on track. Brandon and I created a summer bucket list to help us try to do better about living in the present and cherish our new lives here. There is a lot on our list we haven’t done yet and I know summer is almost over but we have gone to a baseball game, to the zoo, and a few other things so it’s not all bad.
August – Looking Ahead
Even though there’s been a lot of stress associated with this move, my new career, and Brandon’s recovery there has also been a lot to love about the midwest. The company I work for now is a million times better than the last place I worked and I’m enjoying my work. I love our home and we are in a great neighborhood where we feel safe and happy. There’s a lot to do and we have a lot to look forward to for the rest of this year. There’s always something fun and exciting going on in the area and as Brandon heals we look forward to doing more of it.
I’ve felt a lot of anger toward God lately too and I’m working to overcome that this month. I’m angry over Brandon suffering through these withdrawals, another huge life transition, our continued infertility struggles, and I feel like I want to scream at God like…”Haven’t we been through ENOUGH?!?!!” Brandon was sick at the beginning of our marriage and it took years for the doctors to realize he needed surgery and for him to heal. We have moved multiple times and even though we’ve succeeded and life has gotten better in each new place I’m tired of moving. We’re 7 years into this infertility struggle, have lost two pregnancies, and still don’t have a baby. It’s hard and there’s a lot of anger inside me. In my head, I know God is with us and He is not to blame for our struggles but in my heart, well, all I know is it’s hurting.
We are both focusing a lot on wellness right now – mentally, emotionally, and physically. The holidays are going to be upon us soon and we want to be happy and healthy so we can enjoy them. I need to lose weight (I’ve gained over 30 pounds in the last year!). I need to find my rhythm at my new job. I need to establish routine in our new lives. There is just a lot of life stuff to work out and I feel like I’m treading water but never really getting anywhere.
It’s going to be ok though. Psalm 46:5, right? It’s all going to be ok.
Ashley & Brandon (and the pups)